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@ladee your comment about being a "shitty mom" breaks my heart. You did the best you could and when you knew better you did better, which is what you are doing now.
When we apologize to our kids, I find they have very forgiving souls.
Thanks @Heather, this situation has been a long work in progress. He has a lot of problems of his own, refuses help. And I have been his target for a long time. I am working on me. That's all I can do.. so it will come together one day, or it won' t. I feel better about myself today, and I will get healthier, so even if he continues to do what he does.. I will now more what to do, not do. ect. I was a shitty mom, but I'm not a shitty mom today. So it is up to him to take care of himself now. I appreciate what you shared. I try now to 'apologize' with actions more than words. Try to really show him how I am today. If he accepts that, that would be awesome.. if not, I am still healing and will continue my journey.. I don't deserve to stay stuck because he is.... I love him with all my heart. but am caring about myself today too... so, trying not to get attached to an end result.... what ever will be will be... thanks again for sharing.