What small thing/s did you do today to chip away at your avoidance?

[Teasel]

Slowed down and was more mindfully present.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Not perfect, but progress.... I'm trying to address things as I can to deal with problems in this new apartment.

 

[ms spock]

I went and rescued an tawny frogmouth.
I got up at 5am and cooked four Vegan cakes for a celebration.

 

[ms spock]

I got up and went walking straight away.
I also did some singing and learning.
I also played a musical instrument.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I sent 2 emails this week - one to the property mgr about a 4 month old work order and the other to a VP at my cable service provider. It was so hard to climb that wall of shame, but I did it.

I also made myself go into my bank branch to get my rent check. More shame to deal with.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Continuing to deal with my cable provider. It's a mess and I know it. It's not just me. I think anyone would be as disgusted as me at this point. I'm not sure they would be beating themselves up as I am though. i.e. Why did I go with this company? Why did I trust them? Why have I put up with all of their bad customer service? I must have done something wrong to have all of this bad luck with them rain down on me. It's about me, right? So, that's how that scenario plays out. Then there's the other argument that no matter what I do it won't make a difference. Hmmm, well, this has been going from bad to worse for 4 months now, so maybe I'm right. Need to find a Plan B for cable service.

I need to follow up with property manager. There is a serious moisture/mold situation going on here. Why are they not responding? Why do I have to keep on emailing and calling!??!@?! I hate conflict! I can't continue on this way though. So, I get myself all upset and look up landlord tenant laws, read the lease, have conversations with myself..... It's awful. I know that I have a difficult time regulating my emotions, it's part of CPTSD for me. I just wish it weren't. I wish I could be "normal." Ha, said it. Anyway, I will try to call tomorrow and send an email, expressing that I am having severe allergic responses to whatever is going on in here. There's always code enforcement if this continues. Did I mention that I hate conflict?!

Blech! Anyway, I'm trying to take baby steps and do what I believe I CAN do each day. I'm trying to accept that some days it's not going to match what I used to be able to accomplish. I am struggling, so am trying to get myself back into the mindset that any point on the 20 point scale that I can accomplish each day is a win for me. Patience. It's helping a little to read about how others are dealing with this situation. I found another website with good articles that is helping me to understand a little better and to appreciate what I am able to manage right now. It's just frustrating; I used to be so high functioning. I don't like having droopy wings. :(

 

[ms spock]

I have been doing the Self Compassion Break repeatedly this morning. I am challenging my distorted cognitions.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Well, I sent the emails and I got responsiveness.

The cable provider - Well, they think they've done enough. So, I can deal with it as is or I can get another provider.

The property manager - Someone came out to assess the moisture/smell situation and it looks like he'll be doing construction to remediate the hvac/water heater closet. Major deal - they have to remove the a/c unit and the water heater. Huge inconvenience. More strange men in my unit. Electric bill going through the ceiling, I'm sure. Anyway, I hope it will work. The maintenance man was here today and doubted this was the problem. The mold guy tried to fix what was wrong in the laundry room, but it didn't work, so he'll have to try something else. What a mess! The other part of the work order was addressed, although there doesn't seem to be anything that can be done about the humidity in the apartment - Hello, why do think there is a mold issue?!?!?! Is anyone connecting dots except for me? Also, this guy will have to come back because the original installation of the fans was incorrect (i.e. ready to fall) so when he was tightening them one of the globes broke. Heeeehh!

So, I stepped up and asked for help and requested service. Two boxes checked. I'm exhausted.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Using a lot of positive self talk and encouragement, noting the payoffs for doing things to help myself instead of pondering the usual negative chatter when I don't.

 

[Teasel]

Sorted out plenty of things today. Avoided my avoidance by vetting out and at it.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Well, I got into my car yesterday and the tire pressure light came on. I made myself go to the dealership despite all the reasons I don't feel comfortable in doing so.... Well, maybe I should have been avoidant. I left 1 1/2 hrs later with an estimate for over 1,000.00 to replace 2 tires and an axle boot!!!! Really?! Talk about kicking a butterfly when she's down! Dag!!

 

[VioletButterfly]

So, I finally went someplace else to evaluate the tires. I was told that they do need to be replaced, but there was no talk of "blow-outs", etc.. This mechanic told me that I'd be fine for a few weeks if need be. He also provided me with an estimate to replace the tires, alignment, and the CV axle that was almost half of what the dealer quoted. I've never taken my baby anyplace else other than the dealer so I'm leery. I have to call the service manager for an exact quote and to discuss my last visit. Inwardly shaking. I don't know why. It's crazy-making! Authority figure? Man? Power disparity? Abuse response?

The other issue is the apartment. In short, this has been and is a cluster. Up on deck right now is the contractor coming back to create more havoc in the unit by finishing up the HVAC closet construction. The deal is, though, that he came by to evaluate the smell and my allergic responses to it, determining that the problem was mold in this closet. Hmmm, he's replaced board, drywall, and painted, and yet the smell persists. The mold in the closet wasn't the culprit. Is it mold or something in the walls? Is it coming from the garages under my apartment? Who knows?! So, it means I have to deal with the property manager and I'm just frozen in that regard. I feel like I'll need to get a lawyer and then leave. Well, the stress cup has overflowed and replenished the Atlantic Ocean.

I did need to follow-up with the maintenance man who came by 3 weeks ago and broke a fan light cover. He was supposed to replace it. So, I texted him about it. He said it wasn't available, but that he could come by today. No, VB needs a day out. So, we're set for Monday. I also need other things done while he's here so I was freaking myself out by wondering if I could just ask him or if I needed to go through channels with the PM. OMG. I'm making myself crazy. So, I rang my virtual hands all afternoon long and finally sent the text just now. So, step one, accomplished.

Lastly, I'm avoiding the job scene. I'm looking, I'm worrying, I'm freaking out, I'm afraid. Good grief!

Okay, time for some self care and compassion. I'm going to the library and then around town a bit. Need to contemplate my next soup as I'm about out of chili so maybe I'll look at recipes when I return here to my cell. I might even be able to get myself to remove the chipped polish that's been on my nails for way too long. I don't know what that's about. Maybe depression? I've never experienced this lack of personal appearance care before. I don't much care for it. Makes me even more sad.

Okay, lifting my wings up off the ground and dusting them off.