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What small thing/s did you do today to chip away at your avoidance?

I managed to remove the polish from my fingernails, however, there are still vestiges of it twinkling there. Did I use house paint or something?!

I also went to the library and came home with 10 or 11 books to look at. Three of them are Paper Princess books. I just love those books. :) The others concern how to "fix" myself. Well, some part of me is still in the game, so that's good news.

I finished up with the contractor yesterday. They were here for 3 hrs after being 3 hrs late. Oh my. All that work, mess, and stress for nothing! The smell is as strong as ever and I'm still reacting to it. Oy! Well, the maintenance man is coming over on Monday morning, so I'll ask him what he thinks. Then, it's time to pick up the phone and start making calls. First up, an attorney just in case...

The car is next up, so it is my plan to address this before Thanksgiving. I will need to follow-up with the tire store and with the dealer so that I can decide which route to go. I did have a blessing come through when trying to figure out financing since I don't have a job and am flat broke. I lucked into 6 months of "0" interest from an existing credit card. Thank you finance gods!

That leaves me with the job situation. Praying for guidance.

So, small steps one day/one issue at a time.
Getting in holiday blues already, I was getting more stable for 2-3 months but I can feel it hitting me like a huge slump.
Spend some time planning december so I have black on white, what has to be done, holidays, appointments, tracker for mood and habits that may help it, page of quotes for winter and self care and random helpful ones.
Went out for a walk, cleaned, did little tasks, even though depression hit so hard today I just wanted to melt into the ground- or my bed.
I need to do a lot of document stuff over December and it terrifies me.
Today I made a list of all of it in my planner so I can make it into more comprehensible digestable thing. And I can break it in smaller tasks. Couldn't make that list for 2 weeks and the whole task looked way bigger before I wrote it all down. It's starting to get in the realm of possible looking at it black on white so it was a step forward for me.
Well, I forgot to pay the rent and it will be due on the 1st. I did make an effort and went to the bank today when I remembered. I went to the office building to drop off the check and the door was locked. I texted and left a message for the office manager. We'll see if they try to charge me a late fee when I take it in on Monday. I can't stand this PM or this apartment. A total cluster.

I've put off the car. I don't know what I'm thinking. I just want to bury my head in the sand on this one. I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision and letting the wrong person do the work, that I'm frozen. I'm kind of understanding this MO. I don't trust myself and am afraid I'll make another wrong decision, trust the wrong person, and I'll be hurt again. Well, if I have a blow out because I didn't do the work on the car, then that'll hurt me as well and I will have made a bad decision in avoiding getting the work done.
So, I drove over to the PM's office today with my rent check and had to leave it with the building receptionist. She called the PM and told her that was waiting to meet with her, but the manager was stuck in traffic. By the time I'd made it to my car, the manager had texted me apologizing for not responding to my call or text from Friday, and that rent is really due by the 4th. Huh? It would have been nice to know this since I spent the weekend ruminating and wringing my mind over all of the scenarios surrounding this and the other problems with the unit. (I have a serious problem with this behavior!) She also acknowledged my service email from last evening - AC/heat is out, telling me that the handyman would call me. Well, tick tock, he didn't call so I texted him regarding an ETA. He told me he didn't promise the manager that he'd by by today, but that he'd try to squeeze me in this afternoon. Well, I texted the manager indicating that it would be going down into the 40's (F) tonight and that I needed heat, asking if someone else could address this issue. Within in a few minutes, the handyman texted back that he'd be here at 1:00. Now, all we have to do is to figure out what toxin is invading the air in the unit.... That's the deal breaker. I'll go at this tomorrow; I have a horrible headache and the grounds people are here using blowers to round up the leaves. OMG! Mercy!

I went to the tire store yesterday and got a new/complete quote from a different agent. I will take this to the Service Manager at my dealer and see what we might be able to work out. Otherwise, I'll let the tire place do that portion of the work and take the car back to the dealer for the engine mount. Plus, she needs a deailing as the leaves/pollen have done a number on the paint that a wash won't fix. Here, take it, take the blasted credit card! I don't need to l don't need to buy groceries, really! 😵

Job - I'm working on my generic resume as soon as I log out and will look for a better cover letter that I can tweak. I hope I'll be able to move forward with a little more confidence from there.
I finally addressed the gunk dropped onto my car by the water oaks. I gave B a spa day and scrubbed off that nubby mess. I think I got it all before it etched the paint. She's looking pretty "fione" and sassy out there in the parking lot. :) What's that I heard? "Beep Beep!" I think she wants to go for a ride just to show off her shiny self. lol

Oh, and when I opened the hood to get the leaves out, I saw that the windshield washer cap was ascew with the reservoir mostly empty. Hmph! So much for trusting the dealer to take care of my car. There will be a conversation had about this and a rechecking of all of the fluids when I take B in for service later this week.

Still struggling with the job applications. For Pete's sake! I am facing having to live in a day motel with my stuff going into storage so that I can use my credit card in lieu of cash. Am I going to max that out as well to only end up in a refrigerator box? I've been here before many times in the past decade of my life. There is a lot of psychology behind this that I just don't get. I think it has to do with vulnerability, fawning, helplessness, and a boatload of dysfunctional core beliefs. It's beyond my panicking mental grasp at this point. What I do know is that bleep is flying toward the fan and I am the only one who can intervene in its trajectory. So, I will do this, I will do this, I will do this, I WILL DO THIS TODAY! I will work to help/save myself. I am worthy and I am worth this amount of security in my life.
Okay, draft one has been completed. I'm going to read over it again, make some tweaks, and submit it. Then begins the slice and dice of my CV into a business card. I've been tending to hit a wall here. Probably why I'm postponing and spending too much time out here and on Youtube watching funny videos. Who knew there were so many videos about southerners, I don't see the same about Yankees. Hmmm. Well, some progress, some prodding yet to go.
I managed to submit one resume/application this past week. I'm not pleased, but at least I managed to submit one. I had the HOA maintenance team to contend with and it really wrecked my thinking and determination. Engineers came in on Monday to check out the attic and knocked one of the clothing racks loose from the wall. It took my calling the office 2 x each day until Thursday to get it fixed. Ummm, it was a 10 minute job which should have been addressed the first day. Meanwhile, I was waiting, waiting, waiting for a knock on the door, no one showing up, having to call..... Rinse and repeat. So triggering on too many levels. Men in my apartment, having to be tenacious with this HOA and feeling helpless....

I did continue to look for jobs and recorded web addresses and copied position descriptions despite all the drama, so I have some decent options ready to go for today. I'll be back into the zone once I log out. I have been working a lot on my thinking in terms of realizing that I do have options - for jobs, for housing, for a new life and a new way of thinking/beahaving away from all that I've been dealing with for so many years now. I am still worried about having to go to a day hotel and about storing my things, but I'm trying to tell myself that this would be a layover on the long flight of my life and not a forever thing or a gateway to a refrigerator box under a bridge. Yes, I'm scared, but maybe this is necessary to get me out of here - no lease to get in the way, detachment from the area or maybe about breaking patterns that haven't served me well for many years. Kind of like maladaptive coping mechanisms? I'm not sure, but acceptance instead of catastrophizing, for now, seems to be working better.
I am REALLY struggling with this. I have 6 good jobs just waiting for me to apply to. It's not that I'd even be granted an interview that is stopping me although I'm uncomfortable at the thought, it's the fact that I need to apply so that I can show myself that I can and will take care of myself. I've tried all of my usual tricks to get myself into the process, but it hasn't work and I've been stagnant since I submitted an app on Friday morning. I can't afford to waste this time, to get behind the other applicants, to miss a closing date.... I really thought about this avoidance thing last night..... kind of like an ED, I'm wondering what's behind this behavior. It's distorted thinking in form or another, maybe a core belief, but I just can't seem to identify it. I'm so frustrated. I want to tear down this wall and think that by plowing through it, I might get on the other side of it by showing myself that I can apply, that I can go through the interview process, that I can be offered a job, and that I can perform successfully. Then there's the oft used phrase that I've got nothing to lose by applying. It won't hurt me, it might actually garner me a job so that I can secure my finances and housing. So, what's all the fear about? What's to lose? That I'll try everything that I can and still end up without housing or finances? That may happen and I may have to go to Plan B, and it might be scary and uncomfortable. Then again, it may not turn out that way. You've got to play to win. (another phrase I use on myself) I'm trying very hard not to be unkind toward myself because I know there are reasons why I feel as I do and am the way I am, I'm just trying to help myself work around the negative thoughts and fear.

Sorry, I'm just trying to work something out in my mind. It seems like I'm inside of a Chinese puzzle box in my mind on this.
I've managed to submit two applications since I last posted. I still don't know what the heck is going on in my mind, but at least I took two steps toward financial stability and improved housing options. I have a few more, if I can manage it today/tomorrow. I'm going to try to call 2 agencies on Thursday. I need something under the tree - how about a job offer?! Wait, then I'd have to go get a tree! lol Oh well, 🎅 just tuck it in the gift bag I have left out on the counter.

I also called the HOA office regarding the new squirrel who has taken up residence in the past 2 weeks. It is trying to scratch through the ceiling in the kitchen and dining room. OMG! Really?! No wonder I'm a nervous wreck. Plus, I've had more workmen in and out of this unit in 6 months than I did my last apartment in a year's time. At least while I was there I was dealing with the same guys. Between the PM and the HOA, there are all kinds of men in and out of here. Unnerving to say the least! Pats on the back for not being in a fetal position 24/7. Progress, somewhat.

I will have to turn in my notice to vacate soon so that I can be out of here by the first week in February. Tick tock.

I'm working on trying to go to a church service today. I haven't been to my church in a while because of the sensory stuff I'm dealing with - loud music, flashing lights, darkness in the sanctuary, and emotional responses to it all and the message. I'm thinking of going to a service at a church in my area that an acquaintance invited me to. We'll see.

I have some baking/cooking to do as well and am putting it off. Unfortunately, the oven isn't calibrated correctly, so it's a bit of a tag game when trying to back something. My quiche ended up with a really dark crust and I wasn't happy about that. I'm also trying to time the oven usage so that it falls onto my next energy bill. Trying to budget like this is a bit tedious. Oh well. Breathe in, breathe out. Next.......

I did make some progress on my appearance. I put a rinse on my hair over the weekend - it added a bit of chestnut color and actually looks cute. I've never done that before and I was afraid I'd end up with pink hair. ha ha It has taken me about a year since I bought the product to pull the trigger. Oy! I also cut my hair, bangs and all! Oh my! Don't faint but I actually put a coat of Twinkle Pink on my toes! 😱 I guess I had a one girl "spa-palooza." I think this is a "step" in the right direction. No pun intended. So witty! 😉

Ending the year with some progress I suppose. Journey of a thousand miles and all........
Yesterday was a challenge as I haven't been feeling my best - a bit dizzy and in pain.... However, as I couldn't conquer the mountain, I addressed many mole hills.... I dusted, swept, vacuumed, cleaned the counters and remotes/phone; went through the fridge/freezer and pantry, and set menus for the next month so that I can get rid of as much of it as possible before I move; and I went through my finances to determine how much money I have and when I will have to give my notice. I also made "to do" lists and a timetable of when things need to be addressed. I actually accomplished quite a bit on the practical/tactical side of the house.

I gave myself some space so that I could get back to a "What CAN I Do?" state of mind. Ah, compassion and the "wise" mind had a bit of a victory despite depression and some thrashing. 😊

Today, I'm avoiding sending an email to the PM re: moving out notice, and getting the soup going and then running errands. I did have my shower and lunch though.... Onward! 🚕 🌈
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