On the wrong side of this right now. It is because of C-PTSD. It is, and I'm trying to accept this and stop beating myself up. I'm concentrating on being understanding and compassionate with myself. At the same time, reality is banging on the door and I MUST act to protect myself. There is some undercurrent of messed up thinking driving this train and I know it. It seems to want to derail me underneath some bridge or another so that I am "that" vulnerable. I'm really not sure how to fight this anymore other than from a minimal stance of compassion and dogged determination. I know that I am facing Goliath again. So, I on my knees and praying to God that He will continue to protect me while I try through His grace to help myself stay safe in the World and move forward.
What I've done in response to all of this insanity:
***I have continued to pray for guidance and support, and given much gratitude and thankfulness to God. And, I am trying very hard to listen and focus on what I'm being told instead of blowing it off thinking I'm losing my mind.
***Housing: I've continue to research options online. I've reserved a storage unit. I've reserved a mover. I've done a fair amount of analysis re: location/cost/budget/what makes sense. I haven't packed or cleaned anything.
***Employment: I look each day. I haven't applied for a while now as I feel it all a bit hopeless. I updated my profile at an agency I've worked through before. I had a FaceTime interview with a recruiter this morning and we discussed a job that wasn't a good fit (wondering if I should just have taken it - her expression and tone weren't the greatest when I declined the opportunity and I'm wondering if I've lost my mind or exactly what the heck is wrong with me in that I didn't take it flat out!!). I called another agency, but wasn't impressed. I called 2 people I know to ask if they'd serve as references because I don't have any bosses anymore who could vouch due to spending so many years taking care of my mother. I have a couple of good options out there to be applied to and here I am fiddling around here.
So, there you go. I'm trying, daily, to survive, to deal with being sick with the flu and healing all on my own (boo hoo for me!), to deal with the noise and strong fumes in my apartment and the cold, to deal with isolation and the loud voices that my life entails, to deal with my dad's declining health and knowing there isn't a darn thing I can do as I've tried what I could and got hurt again, to just DEAL with the ALL of my life. Good grief. Not complaining as we all have burdens, just frustrated with my seeming inability to move forward. If I don't change, there will be no change in my life. I just feel overwhelmed and exhausted.
I did a lot of research yesterday on apartments. My area is soooo big in the "metro" sense that it's hard to pick a place given that I have no job. The job kind of determines where one lives due to the ridiculous traffic. Job ads even require that you live in a certain town in certain instances. I get it. They don't want me late every other day and I don't want to deal with the main interstate that most folks use. So, well, I went to see two properties today. One is up here where I live and is kind of rough, the other is in a neighborhood in which I'd like to live and is kind of centrally located. The one up here is doable, the other is just way too old with that funky smell that old apts have, but it was sooooo quiet and in a neighborhood. The thing is that I had to sit down and figure out whether or not to sign a lease, otherwise why was I even looking at apartments?! Month-to-month is available at the complex up here, but the unit is on the 2nd floor and the move will cost up over $400. Then again, if I sign a lease without a job, there is a liability issue to consider. Blah, blah, blah, blah.
I wrote up a pro/con list of hotel v. apt. The bottom line entails my deciding that I choose ME and that I will do whatever i have to do to provide for and take care of myself. It doesn't seem that this would be that big of a deal, but for me it seems to be. Okay, it's crazy-making for me. There are so many layers, fears, messed up core beliefs, etc.... I don't have time to work it all out right now. I have to move in less than 2 weeks. It's not even about walking in faith, it's about being practical. Hmmmm, those might be opposites??? At least I've decided that I'll be duking this out here in the area in which I live instead of trying to move away. Ummm, no one hires in my field remotely. I guess I'm widdling down. I'm going out tomorrow to an Einstein's out of my area as they closed the one down the street. I'm going to work on applications and look at apartments in that area. In the past, I've seemed to be able to be very productive there. I feel kind of at home. It's not like the location upere, but it's nice enough and where I'll be looking for new apartments, plus the library is around the corner. I'm a library nerd and proud of it!
Movement..... it's a good thing? ? I hope I'm not running in place and wasting time at the last minute. Oh, golly! I have issues, God help me!
This is causing major, life-altering issues for me. I'm trying to figure this out and override what is driving me to avoid at, apparently, all costs. I did send in a resume today for a job that looks like a good fit.
I'm getting out of the house with my new friends. Who knew I'd ever have friends again? I am able to regulate myself within friendships for the most part. My symptoms are worse because I'm weaning off pain meds since the cancer is gone, and I weaned too much. Ugh, more exposure and withdrawal. Oh well, the withdrawal symptoms should be over in a few days, then another cut in half.
I updated my profile on my staffing agency website and submitted my resume for the same position I emailed to yesterday. I want to make sure someone lays eyes on it. I did a bit of writing to reorient myself this morning, facing facts as I see them... just a start to try to figure out what's going on with me before I really head off a financial and emotional cliff.
I'm going to pull out my portfolio of picture I drew a long while back. I need connection and I think I need to start drawing again. I've been putting this off and closing my eyes long enough. Avoidance is not working for me.