What To Do When Suicide Is Not An Option Any More???

[WendyA]

@Firelamb67 I am also starting EMDR soon. I have a new therapist and that is her "specialty". I am nervous about it. You would think that with all this pain I am going through that I would want to get better, but I think it is the work involved that is making me so hesitant and making me feel like I want to just give up and not go through with it. I'm already so tired from dealing with all of this that I feel like I just can't handle it. I am anxious to hear of your experiences with EMDR, hopefully you will come back and share a bit.

@jd9900 You always have such wonderful things to say.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @WendyA , I had been thinking and feeling so much of the same things you expressed in your post #32.

But today, you know what, someone pointed out to me that all of this 'stuff' (unbelievably unbearable at times) is part of a journey or process. It's not extraordinary, it just 'is', and for those who can or aren't afraid to help, they won't be overwhelmed and they can help you, such as with the EMDR.

I think we take on (even subconsciously) too much guilt, we feel badly for what has happened, how we reacted, where we are now or how we are now compared to how we think 'we' should be, etc. But I think jd9000 and the others are right, believe me when I say I was and felt like the poster-child for Most-Hopeles-Case, so if I can get out of it I know you can, and you will. :hug:

I think of my beautiful rescued abused dog, she is just so beautiful and sweet from her nose-to-her-toes (literally :inlove: ). She was totally shut down (anyone could have further abused her and she didn't even react or run away, except for the terror or nervous behaviour she would occassionally show- I'm not kidding you she has triggers and nightmares), she had no where to go and no one that made much headway with her but she just needed people who 'got it' and make accomodations, sometimes. She stays in the moment now, I think the moments are happy and safe ones. :)

This stuff will actually get better, but I find that mini-mini steps are the only way to go each day for me. Don't worry about it in advance, just baby-steps. It really will be ok, and you are really valuable just as you are. EMDR and other things you will find (I am confident, such as this forum) will help you. :hug:

 

[ms spock]

@WendyA Practice 30 seconds of compassion for yourself today.

 

[ms spock]

I'm sorry if this seems negative and not at all willing to try your suggestions, but this is where I'm at. I feel like I literally can't do anything to help myself, no matter how hard I try. Physically my body will not leave this spot. I'm like a toddler. I need to be physically pulled and bargained with.

You are not alone in these feelings.

 

[Firelamb67]

Guess what,Fire? The more you embrace that wonderful person inside of you screaming to become one with you, the more you will know love, peace and success is and has already been in your hands all this time.

Thank You!

 

[ms spock]

But I think jd9000 and the others are right, believe me when I say I was and felt like the poster-child for Most-Hopeles-Case, so if I can get out of it I know you can, and you will. :hug:

This stuff will actually get better, but I find that mini-mini steps are the only way to go each day for me. Don't worry about it in advance, just baby-steps. It really will be ok, and you are really valuable just as you are. EMDR and other things you will find (I am confident, such as this forum) will help you. :hug:

Junebug is wrong I was the poster child for the Most Hopeless Case! So you can't hog that one! ;)

 

[WendyA]

I am not having a good day. There are so many things about myself now that I don't understand and don't recognize and all are negative. I don't like who I am at all. Here is a new one I found today. I cannot accept any kind of change in plans or anything that is remotely something i don't like.

For example. I have separation anxiety, also new, from my best friend (who I also work with) and when the weekends or evenings come along, I panic. So I had major SI Friday and he made me pinky swear that I would see him Monday and not do anything and stay safe. I did. It was so hard, very very very hard weekend. I just found out this morning the power is out in our office building due to flooding and it may be a couple days before its restored. That means we have to work from home and I don't get to see him :cry:. So because I was expecting to see him, I was totally thrown into a panic and depressed, crazy state. I feel nuts right now. All anxious, my head burns, my heart is in pieces and I feel like I just want to die. All because of something unexpected. I know it may sound so ridiculous, but I need consistent routine right now. I need my 5 days of work and a schedule that is the same. I can't have unexpected, it sends me over the edge.

What is wrong with me??? I don't recognize myself at all! I have never been like this and I am so afraid I will never get back any part of me. I feel like I've snapped and that I am doomed to spend my life like this. I feel like I don't have enough strength to keep going. I just want to give up. I'm so lost.

 

[ms spock]

They took a small fence down at my place which was my privacy and protection. Seriously I have lost the proverbial plot. Totally relate to what you are talking about.

Can you drop over to his house for an hour to do some "Work?"

Can you two meet up in a cafe to do some work?

Can you go to a library to be around people?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I read posts like this and think gee, I guess there is an upside to being unable to form attachments or bond with anyone.

 

[ms spock]

How did you go WendyA?

 

[ms spock]

I guess there is an upside to being unable to form attachments or bond with anyone.

I don't know what to say to that Solara, because I have big problems in forming attachments or bonding with anyone. I am okay superficially, but I have real issues in this area. I would like to heal that, but I guess it will take some time.

 

[24 daffodils]

I know how bad it can get. So, so awful, so painful, so confusing and seemingly hopeless.

Yet feelings do change, as impossible as it may seem at the time. I've lived through awful and better.

I still struggle because I haven't found effective treatment…in fact, only very recently have I realized that 'what I have' is probably PTSD. Still, I know that depression in particular can be a great 'fooler', tricking us into thinking there is no hope and will never be. It just isn't true. It's just depression talking! While I still struggle, I know, as unbelievable as it seems at the time, that one's outlook can and does change. Please believe this.

I am starting to believe that one of the most fundamental things we who struggle with this must learn is self-love. We are precious. We have a purpose and a gift and we are here to find out what that is.

Also, if we have PTSD, we don't want the bastards to wear us down. It was bad enough what they did to us…dang if I want to let them 'win' and destroy me altogether.

Last, I have found it helpful to intentionally practice gratitude. There are always things to be grateful for. Clean air, clean water, food in the fridge, a bed, leaves in the breeze, sunlight, the list is endless, really. I often start my day with listing things to be grateful for. Depression sucks one in to focusing on only the negative, and this can directly challenge that.

Forcing myself to get outside often helps me feel better. Being stuck inside too long almost always brings me down. Getting a pet might be another idea for you. There is a cat or dog at the shelter right now whose life you can change for the better, and you will be their whole world. You can make a difference.