What To Do When Your Therapist Is Different In Reality

[Pinkplatypus]

Okay, so I finally had my first therapy session today without backing out. It went ok. I met my therapist for the first time and I was nervous, but he was nice about things and I thought it was a good fit. So... I was feeling rather hopeful until I did something absolutely stupid. I searched him on facebook. I found a profile of someone with the same name and looks like him. Why I say "looks like him" is because I cannot be certain since I only took a couple of glances at him throughout the entire thing. However, the body shape, height, hair, face shape look alike. So, that profile is mostly public and I scrolled through his profile. Basically, he's a judge-y person who is unhappy with life and hates the entire world. It sounds different from the guy in the therapy room, but it's the same name and everything. The facebook profile doesn't talk about his job/education or anything else other than his person life, so I cannot be sure if it's him or someone else. I totally regret searching him, but now I can't help thinking about it. I can't be sure if they're the same person, but what do you do when your therapist is actually quite a horrible person in reality?

 

[mrsps]

If it is the same person I am surprised that he doesn't have his profile set to more private!!
I guess what he is like in his "real" life isn't any concern of yours. If he is nice enough towards you and you think he can help then that is what matters.
If you cant get over what you have read and it is him then your only option would be to change to another T.
I wouldn't want to say to my T oh by the way I have stalked your face book profile so unless you want to bring it up with him and tell him what you have done and read you are kind of stuck! (ummm I have actually lked at my T's face book lol but nothing to see apart from her profile pic)

 

[mrsps]

Also wanted to add he may not actually be that negative he may just be venting! Think how hard a job of a T is listening to everyone's problems all day

 

[Neverthesame]

I wouldn't say what you did was foolish at all. Actually, it's a perfectly normal and rational thing to do. Is it a good idea? I can't really say. Personally I wouldn't recommend doing that, I will explain in greater detail a bit further down.

This is someone whom you are expected to share alot of personal information to. It makes sense that you would be curious about the person with whom you are placing so much trust.

But here's the thing, he is a therapist. While he is a human being, with his own life, loves, joys and hardships. He is there to help you. The therapist, patient relationship is not supposed to be a two way street. For many of the people on this site, myself included. Are all somewhat used to having a therapist. It's old hat so to speak.

So while this may sound a bit callous, the fact is, your role in the relationship is to learn tools and have a human sounding board with which to help you become healthier mentally. His role is to provide these tools, be a sounding board and well, get paid. This is his job. Having a positive and friendly rapport with the therapist is helpful. The relationship is very much a professional one, and best left as such.

Again, this is old hat to me now, but I remember it was a bit of an adjustment when I first started therapy. So don't feel bad about it. Curiosity is not a bad thing, you may just not find it helpful in this particular situation.

 

[Friday]

"I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good."
- Seneca

Personally I don't care if my therapist grows fur and runs howling under the full moon once a month, or streaks at football games, or goes door to door asking strangers if they've found God... If they're amazing in the office when and where they're working with me.

But I grew up with a surgeon. I don't care if my surgeon is an asshole if he can make a scalpel sing, or how much I'd love to hang out with her on weekends, if she's a shaky handed quack and going to kill me on the table (or make me pee out my belly button, or whatever ;)).

I'm not hiring a therapist, mechanic, or surgeon because I want to be friends with them, or date them, or watch my kids. What they do in their private time? Is their life. Get down with your bad self, and more power to ya. Not my business. Friends are involved in each other's lives. Professionals, on the other hand, provide a service. Where our lives coincide? Is in the office (garage, operating room). It's a very one sided relationship, typically. We pay them. They help us. If he's a good fit in the office? Awesome. If not? Next. And if his personal life becomes my business? Well. Then things get complicated. Keep things simple, whenever possible.

 

[rightkindofme]

@FridayJones I spend a lot of time feeling like I should follow you around saying, "What she said. Because she said it better."

 

[Suzetig]

I agree with previous posters, your therapists job is to provide a safe space for you to address the issues you bring. They need to have their own stuff sorted to where it doesn't leak into the therapy room, they need to be empathic, accepting and genuine.

How I speak to friends when I'm talking about my work or life in general is different to how I'd speak to my staff team or to clients I work with. Everyone needs somewhere they can let off steam, vent frustration it take the stuff of life that is hard from time to time. That doesn't mean his care or concern for you is less real, just that he's human and needs to let his hair down from time to time. But yes he should have had his Facebook page properly locked down.

 

[scout86]

They need to have their own stuff sorted to where it doesn't leak into the therapy room, they need to be empathic, accepting and genuine.

I totally agree that it's all about how he does his job. BUT, if he REALLY, deep down inside, where he actually lives, is an unhappy, judgmental person who hates everyone, sooner or later that's probably going to show through in the office. Just sayin'. I don't think you should run for the hills just yet. You said yourself, it might not have been him. (How common is his name?) And, maybe it was old, maybe it was a bad day, maybe a lot of things. Still, you have the information. You should use it and be alert for the possibility that he really IS that negative. If he is, chances are it will have an effect on how he can and does help you.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. Disagree with Scout (for the first time in a coon's age or maybe ever). Even I, lowly as I am, have a work persona.

 

[Suzetig]

Yep, I too have a work persona - I work with vulnerable people, it's demanding, difficult work and I wouldn't dream of dumping my crap on them but I do dump it somewhere.

 

[The Albatross]

Relate and yeppers @Suzetig and I'm not even considered a professional.

 

[Suzetig]

Yep, I work with very vulnerable people and am professional and capable in that relationship. In my own therapy with my therapist I'm a very different person in need of the same kind of support I offer others. If my clients saw me in my own therapy they'd never trust me, but that's just one part of me. I don't think you can judge the whole of the person against one side of them.