What would you do?

[LuckiLee]

I'm confused a little.

Your healthy spouse is the one who didn't come through with his promises?

If that's the case? He lazy and selfish. And maybe he's got some depression going on too?

 

[Friday]

Also curious...

1) I counted. 3 posts refer to your wife with the wrong pronoun, 4 don’t refer to her at all or use neutral pronouns. That’s everyone?

2) You ask a convoluted question, with no details, inviting people to fill in the blanks (I’m the only one who answered it straight, and even then I had to flip it around a bunch - if I did that, why would I have done that? Okay, then how would I feel if), then seem to laser in on a detail being wrong. Not saying you’re upset about the details being wrong, but you seem very focused, as that was the first thing you’ve responded to, and you’ve now brought it up a few times.

...So what’s up with all this distance?

Or what is it you actually want to talk about?

 

[Suzetig]

I don’t think I’d have let the first thing go if it bothered me that much. Have you spoken to them about what you expected and how disappointed you were that it didn’t happen?

And if you meant your wife, why not just say that?

 

[EveHarrington]

If I didn’t do any of those things for my partner, it would mean either A) I don’t really care about holidays or B) I don’t really care about my partner or C) gift giving is 5th in my preferences of how I show love.

If I didn’t care about holidays, I’d share that I holidays aren’t a big deal for me, and I didn’t realize that they were a big deal to you.

If I didn’t care about my partner, I might laugh. Or be nasty.

If gift giving isn’t a way I show love, I’d say that gifts aren’t how I show that I care about someone.

Can you please clarify exactly what you are asking? I’m a bit confused. Do you want us to reply as asked? Thanks!

 

[sugnim]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

I just don't even know what to think. Today, my spouse emailed me during the day to apologize and said we would have dinner as a family. She even attached a prayer she wrote and said we would have candles. Again, like an idiot, I looked forward to this. Yet at dinner time, she made exactly enough food for our son and herself. She dished the food, and they ate. There was nothing for me. Not even an empty plate. I choked back the tears as I sat at the table.

And just a few minutes ago, she came into the bathroom while I was having a bath. She said she was sorry, and she wants to make a special dinner for the first day of spring tomorrow. I told her to please leave the bathroom. What the f*ck?!

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like she’s playing you. It sounds quite cruel to me. She gets your hopes up and then doesn’t follow through. Almost....like.....simply ignoring you isn’t enough to hurt you. She knows it would hurt you more if she makes these promises and doesn’t follow through.

 

[Suzetig]

There was nothing for me. Not even an empty plate. I choked back the tears as I sat at the table.

What did you say to her as she sat there eating her food? Her behaviour in this instance was abusive - has she been abusive with you before? Your OP describes someone being thoughtless around birthdays and holidays. What you’re describing here is something very different.

 

[Justmehere]

When you are direct and speak in the first person, the situation is much more clear. When you are indirect, it’s hard to figure out what is happening and why you feel the way you do.

Have you been direct with her?

And just a few minutes ago, she came into the bathroom while I was having a bath. She said she was sorry, and she wants to make a special dinner for the first day of spring tomorrow. I told her to please leave the bathroom. What the f*ck?!

Weird place and time for an apology.... She’s being a bit of a jerk by going out of her way to promise so much for dinner and then not even including you in the meal. Plus, first day of spring gets a celebration when a birthday doesn’t?

Have you come back around to the matter and told her directly and clearly how you feel hurt by her pattern of promising so much and then short changing you?

Are there any other red flags with her behavior? Or is everything else in the relationship going well?

 

[DarkOne35]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

I just don't even know what to think. Today, my spouse emailed me d...

Oh noooooo..... And you are still with her? Are you able to leave?

 

[Blue Survivor]

I think it depends on your relationship and the holiday and what you've discussed is important to each of you.

For example: my brother's birthday is on Valentine's Day and I'm so conditioned to celebrate his birthday over the holiday itself that now as an adult I don't think Valentine's Day is very important. My s/o and I exchange cards but that's it.

I have a girlfriend who is a huge romantic and married to a huge romantic and they always go away for a romantic weekend every V-Day.

I work with a guy who doesn't celebrate ANY holiday with his GF. They don't exchange gifts or cards for anything: Christmas, V-day, their birthdays and even their anniversary. In lieu of all that: they take two week-long vacations together every year.

So if you've told your spouse that those things/holidays are important to you and your spouse isn't honoring that...yes, you need to talk to your spouse and see if your spouse is willing to work on that. If the spouse is selfish and doesn't keep his/her word: I'd reconsider calling that person my spouse.