Relationship When A Ptsd Sufferer Distances Himself.. How Long Is Inpatient Treatment?

[SandiS73]

Reading through this forum has helped with the fact that I am not alone. He isn't the only one that pulls away at random times.

Losing a baby with someone who has PTSD is difficult. I am seeing a guy that lost a baby a few years ago with a woman, but the cause of the loss was her own doing from my understanding. No matter how many times I tell him that not every woman is like that, he still questions or responds with, "I just cant lose anyone else" or "I cant lose another baby" No matter how much I assured him that I am not like his ex girlfriend, or that not every woman loses a baby at birth, he still feels deeply that this will happen and pushes me away the moment he feels himself getting closer to me.

My first instinct was he had someone else, and I said "if you want me to just go away and leave you alone, I will. You can carry on with what ever you have going on." He said no I just need a LOT of space. I left him alone for 3 weeks before I reached out to see how he was doing. He then told me that he wants me and wants to have a baby with me, and that he was sorry and that he should of told me something awhile ago.. I love you. Then told me he was going to the hospital for a while, but didn't say how long or even an approx. I asked if he wanted to wait until he got back from the hospital and he insisted we do it before. We got together a couple times since that conversation and he was pushing us having a baby together. 5 days before he was to leave, we saw each other and made plans to spend NYE together. Following day he wasn't very talkative and I pretty much had to force a conversation out of him.

NYE came and heard nothing from him except a response of morning to my good morning text, and just before midnight when I sent him a text saying happy new year, love you. He responded back with happy new year luv you. Add day long I had been texting and asking him when he wanted to get together, if everything was ok, etc.. NOTHING. I started to think, "what did I do wrong?" "did something I say bother him or scare him off?" I recall the conversation I had about an EX playing 50 questions about my current relationship status on facebook. This EX has a GF, and I explained that to him. HIs only response was.. "how long ago did you date him?" (was over 7yrs or so). I fear he is afraid of getting hurt again so he's pushing away again because of that. I have not heard from him since, even after I sent a text saying that I may be pregnant, which I still believe I am but won't test yet. I have not sent anymore texts or even tried to call since. He is in a PTSD hospital out of state and wish that he would at least acknowledge that I may be pregnant.

Is it possible that he just has his phone not with him or off during treatment? Does anyone have an idea how long inpatient PTSD treatment generally lasts? I assume 3 weeks, but that could be wrong.

The next journey would be to try and figure out how to notify him, if I am pregnant, since he isn't responding. His voice mail was never set up. He said he didn't want to be bothered with it. Checking it probably stressed him out. I don't know.

 

[nursenurse]

Would you just stop and read your words? Neither of you is ready to have a child, and that child does not deserve a mish mash of dysfunction. That you two would try to bring a child into this world without any resolution or clear plan is thoughtless and just plain wrong. Children are a privilege not a right. I am too upset by your post to comment more. Get some counselling for yourself.

 

[Lucycat]

Nurse nurse' swords may sound a bit harsh but I am afraid I have to agree.

Your guy is still grieving for the baby he lost.
He has PTSD ( you don't mention the cause)
He is sick enough at the moment to require inpatient treatment
He is unable ( or unwilling) to communicate at present
He is fighting for his life

You don't mention how long you have been seeing this guy. You don't mention how long you have been living together and planning the pregnancy, preparing for a baby in your lives, working out the finances, employment, child care etc.

I am sorry but you post comes across as somewhat selfish. ' he said he wanted a baby and now he has run away - poor me what am I to do?'

For both your sakes I hope the test is not positive. He is clearly not ready for that and a pregnancy just now could tip him over the edge. I hope his therapists know the full story and are helping him with this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Stop with the what-ifs and get a test. $1 won't break the bank

Nobody is ready for a child. It's selfish to throw an innocent child into the mix at this point.

 

[SandiS73]

First off.. I am a stable mother with 2 kids already. I raised 1 by myself and he is a loving, respectable 10yr old that had cancer at 18 months old and successfully beat it. I do have a heart and very capable of taking care of baby on my own, if needed. Who are you to tell me I am not capable of raising a child?! Dysfunction? I'm sure your life is just so perfect. Everyone has some sort of 'dysfunction' in their lives, whether you want to admit it or not. Finances are taken care of. My mortgage is paid off. We both have income and child care isn't an issue either. His inpatient treatment was scheduled a month ago and has nothing to do with me or the fact that he wants a baby. He wants a few kids actually.

I never claimed the child to be a right and dont know where you come off saying that. His PTSD is from his life in the military. I am not some young uneducated girl. Thanks for judging me anyway, well appreciated! So glad that you are a therapist yourself to say that having a baby will only devastate him further. I have talked to people that have lost babies and went on to have more without devastating them further. Most said it has helped them. Apparently neither of you have the knowledge of my question regarding time for inpatient care. He has had family issues which sent him over the edge with his PTSD. I need counselling because I am in love with someone who suffers from PTSD and care about our relationship and future?! I must need counselling because I might be pregnant and this is my first child and know nothing about raising a baby.. that's why you said it. WRONG!!

 

[SandiS73]

$1 test wont show a result until the 17th of the month. or later. The earliest test I cant take until this weekend. WHy would I test before that when it would show negative anyway. That is why I said I wont, because it wouldnt do any good. Who is ever 'ready' to have a kid? No one is ever really ready. There is planning and you may THINK you are ready, but then life happens. Things happen and things change. My other 2 kids came into this world and treats ppl with better respect than kids that were raised in a 2 parent household. Ppl sit here and judge quickly. My kids doesnt go around swearing, looking for fights, or being the bully looking for attention because they gets enough love and attention at home. I am always complimented on how good my 20yr old is, how hes such a good young man, and very well mannered. Never in trouble with the law and attends college. HIs father was in his life for the first 5yrs of his life. When we had him, we had it all figured out but life those curveballs and things happen and change. I have had 2 pregnancys.. 1 planned and the other was unplanned but both of their fathers are in their lives.

 

[DMerish]

he would at least acknowledge that I may be pregnant.

The title of your post was: "When A Ptsd Sufferer Distances Himself.. How Long Is Inpatient Treatment?"

These two things are not necessarily related.

A PTSD sufferer can distance themselves infrequently, or for short periods, for what seems to non-sufferers very trivial reasons. Or due to serious (unmanageable) PTSD symptoms and/or comorbidity mental issues. Some sufferers can (and do) distance themselves for most of their entire life.

The duration for in-patient hospitalization depends on severity of symptoms, effectiveness of treatment, insurance and financial means. No one on this forum would be able to give you an estimate of knowing how long your fellow would remain hospitalized. And, because of privacy laws, and the type of treatment folks receive during in-patient treatment, it is very common for facilities to take the patient's cell phone away from the patient so they can focus on healing.

That being said, you're going to have to wait until he contacts you to get the an ". . .acknowledge that (you) MAY be pregnant." And/or wait until a test comes back and then address the matter IF the test is positive and IF he contacts you.

 

[nursenurse]

I stand by my first response. This is incredibly selfish and poorly thought out. A third child by a different father? The other two each have different fathers? Support comes in different ways including harsh words. What are you thinking? Having a child helps? Get real. Get counselling for yourself. He may just come out not wanting a child once he sorts things out, or a relationship. I am out of here. Too stunned for words.

 

[bell]

which I still believe I am but won't test yet.

So... your person is in the hospital undergoing treatment and you text him to say you "might" be pregnant? I'm sorry, but PTSD is some serious shit, and texting him without knowing is selfish in this situation. And a grab for attention. Find out, THEN tell him. Don't mess with his mind with this "maybe" mess, because that is only going to make it worse.

Personally, what I've quoted is what set me off about your post, nothing else. That he is in treatment, has already lost a baby, and then you mess with his mind saying "maybe" you're what he apparently wants most.

If you intend to really be with him, and he's bad off enough to need treatment, you need to check yourself, and your needs, and focus on getting HIM better so you can handle this pregnancy, if that's what it actually is.

 

[DMerish]

:tup: Ditto. What Bell wrote.

 

[MoeX]

As you already know having a baby is hard. Just imagine having one with someone who is there but not really. There are PTSD suffers who are numb. I remember feeling grateful my BF was able to bond with our daughter. I couldn't imagine a poor innocent child feeling the way I do at times. If you all are sure you want a baby nobody can stop you but please wait until he in a better place. When a suffer shuts down it's the people closest that feel it. A baby will not fix things for him.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well the $1 tests are some of the best out there, other than a blood test. (Google....pee....on.....a.....stick...!)

And someone can be in treatment, inpatient, for up to a YEAR!

Most hospitals don't allow cell phones. Those that do, don't allow ones with cameras. I think this leaves one model left.....the jitterbug!!!!! LOL. I Ddont think he has a jitterbug....

 

[Abstract]

I have to admit that I read the first post yesterday and was unable to find words to reply and felt overwhelmed.

The guy is obviously severely mixed up at present, confused about being in a relationship let alone anything else, has serious trust and loss issues, still has unresolved issues around the death of a baby which it seems may even be a part of his PTSD, you both know he is about to be hospitalised for PTSD, you don't even know for how long or even it seems exactly when treatment was to start, he impulsively decides he wants a baby and you go along with it and then are surprised when you don't hear back from him or know what is happening.

These are basics and I feel stupid for even saying them but I suggest the next time you consider having a baby with someone you:
Wait until there is a proven track record of reliable lengthy relationship with mutual support.
You make sure you both think it through at great length and still want a child consistently during that time.
You make sure you are both well enough to cope with a baby and all the possible things that can come with a pregnancy.

We will leave out not even knowing the basics of your partners life such as details of intended hospitalisation for a very serious condition etc etc etc....

"I cant lose another baby" No matter how much I assured him that I am not like his ex girlfriend, or that not every woman loses a baby at birth,

I hesitated saying this but I do think it needs to be said. Are you really listening to the level of fear he has about this? Thought through the possible consequences if anything goes wrong as it does for some women? Hopefully it will be fine but we are merely human and don't have control over everything.