When A Sufferer Loves Another Sufferer

[Red Dog]

I have been in a relationship with another PTSD sufferer for over a year now and we are both deeply in love with each other. My PTSD was diagnosed years ago and I have been in remission while his was diagnosed only two years ago and until recently he has been profoundly depressed and unable to work. He has been progressing steadily, going to therapy, reading a lot about PTSD, and is finally starting to look forward to the future and seems hopeful that he’ll start working again.

I, on the other hand, have decompensated. It is particularly perplexing to me that while he starting to feel much better, I am starting to feel worse. This has come to me as a complete surprise. The most difficult part is that he’s finally looking to the future and I feel listless and unsupportive.

I have to admit that I poorly understand the dynamics of PTSD relationships, but I know that supporters can take on the symptoms of their partners. It’s even more complicated because of my own history of childhood trauma. I also wonder if it’s possible that because of my trauma, I feel unable to accept that I am actually in a healthy, safe relationship, something that is mostly foreign to me.

Also, I think it’s pretty common in general that people must face their fears, insecurities, and doubts when they approach a deeper level of seriousness in a relationship. PTSD adds another dimension to that to say the least. Any thoughts?

 

[anthony]

Maybe you are going backwards because he is going forwards!!! When there are two people suffering an illness within a relationship, it is quite normal this happens. Basically, one starts getting better so the other gets ill. It is like a subconscious mannerism to drag the other person back down a little, back to a level you can accept and function with them upon. PTSD does that... its not intentional, it just does it. What is intentional is that you have to change your true acceptance of him getting better, more than likely.

The other aspect of this is that you were healthier, he was not. It's a compensation thing, being suddenly you don't have this responsibility for him as much, so PTSD causes you to become ill / you become ill to be cared for yourself, or it could simply be that now you are feeling the effects of trying to support someone who has PTSD.

It really is a balancing act. This is no different from one person in a relationship suddenly wanting to become healthy, or stop smoking, drinking, or such. The other is happy the way things have been, knowingly or not, it has become a known entity subconsciously. The other person fights the change, even subtly... no really helping the other person change, smoking in the house, drinking around them, eating junk, etc etc. That type of change in one can be enough to affect the other, and even break a relationship.

Both people have to change and progress together in a relationship. It's why if one diets, the other really has to suck it up and diet. If one goes to therapy, the other has to support them doing so... even attend with them if feeling the negatives of change themselves. Both go if you are getting ill as a result of him getting better.

 

[Red Dog]

I spoke to my therapist about it and all of this makes a little more sense to me. I think you're on to something, I've been caring for him so much that I've neglected my own needs. I am actually really happy that he's feeling so much better and I want to encourage growth rather than maintaining the status quo. I think taking care of myself is a big part of it. Thanks for your thoughtful reply, this is a novel experience for me and the complexity of it is perplexing.