When Nothing Seems To Be Working

[GWhizz]

So it's been over 18 months since I began regularly having flashbacks and actively dissociating. The problem is that I've been in therapy, on and off meds etc for over a year now, but nothing seems to ground me. My current T is encouraging me to just allow it to happen and telling me that will let the flashbacks etc take their course quicker. I know all the theory on it from their perspective. But practically speaking, when I'm in it I'm so overwhelmingly terrified, I can't help but fight it. I don't want to let them happen. I don't know will I ever be at peace with them. I try to be mindful, to centre and ground myself. But it fails. I fight and fight then I zone out and lose touch. Then because I'm so disconnected it leads to self-harm because it's the only way I can feel again. It's like a vicious cycle and I don't know how much longer I can keep it all up. I'm so stuck in therapy too which makes me feel like I'm never going to progress at all. I don't even know how to relax about it. Today I have been thinking about quitting therapy again. Afterall, it's not helped me much so far.

 

[Born to Run]

It does not sound this cycle of repeatingly feeling overwhelmed is going to help you. It is like set up to fail instead of progress. Did you go through a phase of stabilisation with your therapist? This is what a trauma therapist usually does first. Is your therapist a trauma therapist? With the right therapy you can really make progress, so I feel sorry this is not happening for you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can you say what you've tried that doesn't work? That way people may have suggestions for other things that might help you.

Sometimes stability can take years....So at a year in, yes, it is concerning, but at the same time, its not unheard of to take awhile longer to truly become stabilized. (Probably not what you wanted to hear...)

Maybe this type of therapy isn't right for you? I have tried so many different types of therapy with so many different types of therapists. I don't think I stuck with one therapist for over a year until much later in my treatment. (Nothing seemed to really click with me for quite awhile.)

 

[joeylittle]

It took me about a year, I guess, to get to the point where I almost always will automatically start doing breath work as soon as a flashback or strong memory starts coming. At first I couldn't do it on my own at all, then sometimes, and now, most always. It's what works for me, it keeps me absolutely in the present. But I had to be really consistent about it. Has your therapist ever suggested something concrete, one physical tangible thing you can control in order to get yourself grounded? It can take a long time to get them working right, but first you do have to find what works for you. Just echoing what @Solara said.

 

[arfie]

Progress over perfection, GWhiz. I can't count how many times in my own recovery I felt like it was a lost cause, only to discover I had been progressing all along but just wasn't seeing it. Patience was not an easy lesson for me.

I treat my recovery/therapy like an intricate skill set. One comparison out of my own life could be wild plant scouting. I didn't get to wake up one day with the skills to observe, classify, inventory, etc., etc., all the plants I see on any given hike. I had to build the skills and collect the tools of the trade over a period of years. Even after decades, I still have allot to learn and that's okay. Keeps me engaged in life.

Whatever process you choose, it will still be a process to build the skill set and to learn how to apply it. Jumping from one process to the next doesn't seem very effective. Never worked well for me, anyway.

Gentle support while you sort your own.

 

[GWhizz]

@Born to Run I have actually only been seeing this new T for a month now so we're still technically in the stabilization period. Though I guess she's just giving a suggestion to try to help while I'm so symptomatic. I cannot find a specific trauma therapist where I live. The closest would be the rape crisis Centre but they're only counselors and I'm working with a clinical psychologist who is a lot more skilled when it comes to clinical disorders.

@Solara I have tried grounding trying to stay present using the 5 senses and breath work. I also practice a lot of mindfulness which tends to go out the window once I'm triggered. I do try to know and manage my triggers but I developed new ones after I had a baby and in starting therapy. Therapy itself is actually becoming one big emotional flashback where I become a mute child again afraid I'll get into trouble, feeling sick and like I'm going to wet myself. This is making me so upset because I'm going to therapy to try to help - I started with a new therapist because I thought it was maybe specific to my old one that this kept recurring - but therapy itself is impossible.

@joeylittle I do try use something tangible (a heart shaped stone my partner gifted me many years ago). But I don't always get to it before I'm completely overwhelmed. I also don't always have it with me which is silliness on my part really.

Thanks @arfie I definitely am becoming very impatient. I just felt such despair after my session yesterday. I know it's a process I can't rush but I am ready to quit my job as I'm not sleeping at all or functioning well day to day. If I give up my career that I'm passionate about and worked hard to attain, then I don't see the point anymore. I have been determined not to let ptsd rule my life but it seems I don't get a say, no matter how hard I seem to try.

Sorry to vent. I'm just particularly peeved right now. Sigh...

 

[PTSDbegone]

First off you are not alone. I really do understand your frustration. What you have shared about your experience sounds very much like mine. I started therapy just over 2 years ago. Many times I have felt like I'm going backwards, and not forwards. My dissociation has definitely become worse. My GP asked me on Monday if I thought therapy was making me worse. I didn't know what to say. I've heard others say it'll get worse before it gets better. I started seeing someone a couple months ago that does sensorimotor psychotherapy. It has really been a major struggle, but I believe she truly does care, and wants to help me. I have just recently decided that I needed to put a little trust in her, and the work we are doing. Before seeing her I had stopped therapy, stopped medication, and I did find that more difficult. I then made the decision to go back to therapy, but spend a bit more time finding the right person to work with. I know it's extremely hard, but please try to stick with it. I don't know about you, but my trauma continued for so long it's not something that's going to be quickly fixed. I wish you the best, and am here anytime you need a shoulder.

 

[Born to Run]

seeing this new T for a month now so we're still technically in the stabilization period

Ok, and yet within a month's time the therapist encourages you to just allow it all to happen. I believe your therapist is using the Flooding method from what you describe. I do not know enough about this method, but I do know it is not for everyone. Flooding can be re-traumatizing.

but therapy itself is impossible

If this is the case for you, I believe you have not met a knowledgeable therapist yet. This is not your fault, you are the patient.

 

[joeylittle]

I do try use something tangible (a heart shaped stone my partner gifted me many years ago). But I don't always get to it before I'm completely overwhelmed. I also don't always have it with me which is silliness on my part really.

Maybe you can incorporate a physical thing that goes with holding the stone? Ultimately, it's your body that needs to be re-directed, and then your mind will follow. Something totally ridiculous that could work would be holding it out at arms length, so you can see it, and on your very next exhale, purse your lips into the shape we use when blowing out a candle, and 'blow' your exhale in a solid, LONG stream of air that you can visualize as hitting the stone. On your inhale, try and breathe in slowly (this never goes well right away - it's OK). Exhale - slow and controlled again.

I'm a big believer in muscle memory (can you tell?) - but just like our bodies remember trauma, they can also remember patterns. If the pattern is practiced enough and simple enough, it really can be automatic (if you think about it, walking is just a learned physical pattern).

And the reason for grabbing control of the exhale first is that it is much, much easier to just put your face into that shape and let your cheeks puff up and blow out your air slowly - the face shape nearly makes it go slowly, so you aren't having to control your lungs so much as restrict the airflow. once you've gotten half your breathing under control, it's then possible to get a hold of the other half. I think people make the mistake of trying to work with their breath on the inhale, and when a panic is happening, it's very, very difficult. Equivalent to doing 100 jumping-jacks and then trying to take a 16 count breath in, your body will just deny that request and override, because it wants air.

And you're not venting, you're asking for help. Big difference. :)

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks everyone. I'll try all the suggestions - you guys are better than any therapist I've met yet, that's for sure!