When you can care about others but not yourself

[Mayday]

Instead of the barely conscious belief that I just didn't count and neither did my needs, opinions, life, etc., although those of others absolutely did/do...
...I suddenly saw just what had/has been going on. The hurt is so painful and raw...
...The grief is enormous...

I am feeling very similar. I can only deal with it in small doses, otherwise it is too overwhelming.

 

[Abstract]

But if I accept the new reality, where there was never any different rules, that I was as deserving of love and safety as any other child....it makes it more painful.

It is a very very hard one. The truth is that blaming ourselves and feeling it is what we deserve is one way of coping and making sense of a situation that doesn't make sense in a humane way. It's of the ways children try to gain some sense of power and justice. The hard part is realising that it isn't true and that we are now adults and have other choices.

The good thing is that you have insight. There are still those that continue just believing it is true indefinitely without that awareness. I relate to all you say as usual.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think what gets me most is the neglect. That they wanted to. Somehow that feels as though obviously I warranted it, or deserved it. Was not worth it.

 

[Abstract]

Neglect is a truly terrible thing Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @Abstract , I never really knew it was 'anything' to warrant acknowledging.

:hug: