• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

When you can care about others but not yourself

Status
Not open for further replies.
When my therapist was around we were working on this(she's on maternity leave). We didn't get very far, so I do not have any good advice. I know all the usual, look at yourself as you do another. Cut yourself some slack. Turn that compassion inwards. It's just so difficult. You'd have to catch it right in the beginning of the negative thought.
 
I wish I had advice to help, but I know what you're feeling. I'm the exact same way. Even when my friends try and help me I turn the conversation around so I can help them with whatever they need. I just think being ignored for so long by so many people has made it so I don't feel imortant.
 
.. our own negativities get in the way..when we are helping someone... Then we are becoming a burden on them, rather than a help..

Must say that's a worrisome thought Barconian. :( Know you said it's hard to explain, and not deliberate, but as far as being a burden on them because of it, how we would know or what signs would we see or what would we look for?
 
It isn't that bad, @Junebug :) Ok, I will try this. Mrs Gessop from next door comes over to visit. She tells you all the bad news of the day and when Mrs Gessop goes home, you feel drained!!! PTSD (which is fear) makes us feel negative, we have shitty thoughts of what ever triggered us off at that moment :( Now, if Mrs Gessop comes over telling you all her negatives and you are all ready feeling negative, you could easily start feeding off of her negativities and feel worse, to the point that you can't cope with people for a time. Even though your intent was to help Mrs Gessop, she goes home thinking you are a nutter and you sit bewildered by all the horrible feelings you have, because you weren't feeling strong enough to handle her, that day (and Mrs Gessop isn't easy to handle on the best of days).
 
Thanks for all your replies everyone. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

On one hand, it feels good that I have a logical reason for what I've often thought was illogical behaviour. To know that there are valid reasons why I act this way is mostly comforting.

What I didn't expect is how much worse I now feel. It's not that anything has changed, but it's like now that I know that there wasn't ever a different rule for me than for everyone else, it seems to make what happened, how I was treated, feel that much worse.

Believing that there was a different rule for me than anyone else, made it easier to accept the abuse. It made it more bearable, maybe because it felt less personal. Like in the reality where there is a different rule for me than anyone, it basically sets the scene for abuse, like it's inevitable. But if I accept the new reality, where there was never any different rules, that I was as deserving of love and safety as any other child....it makes it more painful.

I don't think I'd ever really looked at it that way.

I'm not really explaining this very well. Ugh...feelings suck.
 
if you can learn to set yourself some boundaries

Boundaries are definitely something that I'm trying to work on. I think it ties into this feeling a lot. Because the way I was treated early on, meant that I wasn't allowed to have boundaries, but still had to be aware of other people's feelings. So boundaries became something that other people had, and I struggled with how to relate the idea of boundaries to myself.

It's almost another groundbreaking reality shift in itself, the idea that actually I have as much right to boundaries as anyone else!

Especially in relationships, the idea of having boundaries was very confusing to me. The idea that I was allowed to say no, or tell someone that what they were doing was uncomfortable or hurt...what most people would assume are basic boundaries, were things I never considered, and I would find it very confusing if someone asked me things like "is this ok?" because I couldn't figure out why they would ask?

Sometimes when I stop and think about all these things, it's quite overwhelming to realise just how messed up a lot of my thinking was. I know I've come a long way, particularly in the last 6-7 months I've been seeing my T...There is still a hell of a long way to go yet though...
 
I seem to be able to think of others easily, or am 'more aware' than most
For me, it's like I can be very intuitive a lot of the time, I like how you describe it as "more aware'. I can often be very aware of feelings/mood or the vibe in a room/people...I do have trouble understanding what to do with that intuition though. I think that ties into what Barconian is saying, that to be able to help others, we need to be healthy ourselves. Bit like the safety instructions when you go on a flight, they tell you to put on your oxygen mask before helping your kids put theirs on. Which seems somewhat counter-intuitive, but makes senses if you think that if you pass out because you haven't put your mask on, then you can't help anybody.

In a certain sense I needed to care less.
EXACTLY. I struggle so much with this. My T constantly has to remind me that other people's feelings are their responsibility. It's hard to get my head around when I was brought up to always put other people's feelings first.
 
I became my abuser and that is what feels right as it is what I am used to.
I feel exactly the same. I have definitely become my own abuser. I think it's really hard to challenge this for a lot of reasons, but also the fact that it's what we're used to is very important. I'm not sure if it's a subconcious pull or biological pull or something like that, but it seems to be human nature to return to what is familiar, what is status quo etc...

Have you read Pete Walkers articles on the inner and outer critic?
I'll google him and have a read. Thanks for the suggestion.
 
Believing that there was a different rule for me than anyone else, made it easier to accept the abuse. It made it more bearable, maybe because it felt less personal. Like in the reality where there is a different rule for me than anyone, it basically sets the scene for abuse, like it's inevitable. But if I accept the new reality, where there was never any different rules, that I was as deserving of love and safety as any other child....it makes it more painful.

.
I have had exactly this same realisation since my child abuse memories emerged last year. Instead of the barely conscious belief that I just didn't count and neither did my needs, opinions, life, etc., although those of others absolutely did/do, I suddenly saw just what had/has been going on. The hurt is so painful and raw. That my parents could do this to me at all, and not my 3 sisters in particularly, is excruciating. That I've become my own abuser, as Abstract says, is dreadful, especially since I can't seem to stop it. The grief is enormous.
 
@Mayday I relate to a lot of the same. And being 'responsible' for others feelings (is my default).

Oh, @Barconian , thanks. Ms Gessop is challenging, eh? (Think maybe I could just keep the 'negativity' for now with that one, kind of glad she would leave. :laugh: )

But truly, thank you, I understand it that way. Envisioned something worse (because of the negativity! :( )

I guess I 'tune out' my own feelings or needs so sometimes even the negativity isn't in my awareness (when I interact, at the moment). More so I don't though when I am around those I can let my guard down with more, or on my own.
 
I remember an instance which really brought home to me how I automatically put others ahead of myself. I had just read a really awful article about a really vile Halloween amusement attraction, which had, it turned out, really triggered me. My first instinct was to start to fight for all those (unknown to me) young girls who would be visiting that attraction. I sent out e-mails and posted on Twitter (and got them to rethink what they were doing, incidentally, it transpired), but when I came to I realised I had completely disregarded my own needs and bodily reactions, and I was now in a worse state. I was on my knees with full flashback, racing, irregular heartbeat, violent shaking and all energy gone. I frightened myself, to be honest. It gives me the sweats to remember it.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top