Why Do Parents Hate Their Kids?

[Loveneverfails]

From your first post it could seem like you'd been carrying bitterness and anger for a long time and needed to let go, but that isn't the case. I hope you find a way to reconcile with all you've been through, what sort of people your parents are and how it's affected you, you'll obviously need time to do that when you've carried it for so long without letting it in.

I agree. With emotions like that, the sort that take over and cause agony in every little thing you do the way anger,resentment,confusion,grief and hopelessness do- it takes years to reconcile. Years to learn how to live again, years to find a way to 'let go'. I think acknowledging that you have these feelings and the impact they have on your life is a huge step and not one to be rushed.

Often we're told to stuff our feelings down by innocent bystanders in our every day life. Ever had someone say 'Smile, it can't be that bad!' as they pass you by? I have. They mean well and I accept that, but they really have no idea that in our case, it really is that bad. That feeling angry over something that has happened is part of the process of me reclaiming all that has been stolen from me. And it is a process, it will take a long time, and it is okay if for now, you need to be mad as hell.

 

[Nicolette]

It just seems like everything was stolen from me. I don't know how to make peace with that.

From what I have learned and experienced I feel the best way to overcome this is to choose for it to no longer be the dominating factor in your life and how you live. You can change the here and now and choose how much it eats at you. I am not saying to forget, as you can never, I am not even saying forgive if you don't want to, I am saying try to find a way to untangle the past from the present and then live in the present and make it the best you possibly can as you deserve it!

 

[Don't trip]

Raven,

I just shared my abuse story on another thread. That's the third time I've done it. I try to do this in a very few places where it feels safe in sharing. I'm going with my gut here and perhaps it's wrong, but 'eh', live and learn. I figure I've lost so much that there is no other way to go but UP.

What my parents did, I can't change. It's the fallout I have to concentrate on. I think I understand about wanting someone to scoop you up and tell you everything is alright, I really do, but when I put my big girl panties on, reality isn't that way unfortunately and we often do find ourselves just where is the most uncomfortable: with ourselves.

I don't want to imply that what happened to you was your fault, because it wasn't. Peeling away the layers takes time. Self love and patience, ebb and flow between self loathing and hatred, but that all balances out as you process more.

You're really not alone, you have this place, right?

I want you to know that what you wrote took a lot of courage. In that post is strength, a will to survive. We don't share our stories unless we believe that someone will validate them and our hope to keep going. :)

You did the right thing.

 

[raven123]

Thank you, everyone. I just hurt all the time. I can't make it stop. Hope kept me going for many years. Now, I just don't have any hope it'll change.

It didn't help that my shrinks refused to even let me talk about this stuff because it was easier for them to discuss bipolar. They also didn't want me talking about it because I'd found out they lied to me about their "qualifications". Three of them even had the gall to tell me I was hopeless.

I don't cry because I might not stop and there's no one physically there to comfort me.

I didn't want someone to "save" me. I just wanted someone to listen to me those many years. I constantly got, you're not bad enough. There are people that are worse off. You're not good enough to be our friends. We are better than you! You're just sinning. Get over it. There are quite a few I'd love to shove their cross straight up their pompous asses. I was pretty much told God didn't care about me either. So, honestly, I hated God. Hated their version of God.

Of course, God couldn't show me how wrong I was for 20 years. I wasn't taught some God of love. A word, love, I hate sometimes. I certainly didn't get love. And, him not flat out telling me I was told wrong really pisses me off. Couldn't open your big mouth? I could do work for you, but what was it? Was I not good enough for you to tell me you weren't a vengeful asshole? Those pompous goody-goodies got to know. Did you just use me like everyone else did? YOU MIGHT HAVE SAID SOMETHING BUT YOU DIDN'T F*CKING SAY IT LOUD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU LET ME BELIEVE I WAS UNDER CONSTANT JUDGEMENT! WHAT THE F*CK KINDA GOD DOES THAT SH*T?????!!!!!!

What was done to me is reminded to me daily. My lack of social skills, my lack of friends, my lack of a mate, my unemployment, my pain, my jealousy, no safe place.

 

[Nicolette]

I just wanted someone to listen to me those many years. I constantly got, you're not bad enough. There are people that are worse off. You're not good enough to be our friends. We are better than you!

Raven you are not alone, I too have been there.

My lack of social skills, my lack of friends, my lack of a mate, my unemployment, my pain, my jealousy, no safe place.

I know you are in pain and you have total empathy from me. However, to support you best I will be honest and let you know that these constant reminders are still things which you have the power and opportunity to change. I did, you can, others have, some are trying. It won't happen over night but it will happen if you put the effort into you. That is the best revenge - go forward in your life and be happy despite all that you feel you have been through. Be someone great that others like yourself will look to as inspiration when you get to the point of saying I was there but I moved past that. Show the world who you are. Your wings to soar are now only clipped by your thoughts.

It is tough, its hard and it will take time but I believe you can find the glass half full instead of half empty. Just put one foot in front of the other and try something small and focus on that, once reprogrammed then something else. Take religion aside (as my step father was against it) my childhood was fundamentally not unlike yours. I saw my sister fall to the clutches of PTSD and realised that only I could save myself and I did. Some days still hurt and the memories come seeping through but I chose to not let the anger, hurt and pain consume or control me. You now hold your future in your hands.

 

[Rumors]

I don't deny that I am sure there are categories of parents who hate their children, but I also believe that there are categories of parents who are just ignorant. By that I mean that they have no parenting skills or knowledge. They fumble through the process doing what their parents did bc that is all they know. If they learned the wrong parenting skills, then it is obviously NOT a great experience for you. I think all skills we use in life are learned behavior, right? I also believe that when you know better you do better.

Raven, I have NO DOUBT your childhood was filled with bad experience. You will probably NEVER hear what you need to hear from your parents or abusers. With that said, your life NOW is about choices. Your choice is to hang on to the anger you have, rightfully so, and let it isolate you from positive relationships. However, you have another choice. You know what that choice is!!! You are a smart guy! Don't let the anger and the past rule where your future goes. I am not suggesting you just forget about it but I am suggesting you let some of it go. Your parents made bad choices, it can't be changed. Have a relationship with them or don't but don't allow that hatred for them to rule you anymore.

God? I can't help you there because I believe that He has a plan and I have witnessed His mercy first hand. It is what I chose to believe in but not what you have to do.

Raven, at some point in time, for your own soul, you are going to have to be at peace with the things you can't change. I know you are trying to figure out how to do that and I admire that. If you can take one step towards resolve perhaps you might find the second step easier. I suggest you start with your parents. They sucked, they were useless in your life, you can't change it and you aren't ever going to get what you need from them. So, what next? Let them ruin the rest of your life by hoarding all that hate and anger for them? HE'LL NO! Don't give them another second of your life buddy! Shuck that bad energy and be done with it! They betrayed you and they will answer to that one day but don't give them anymore energy. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to find peace with their short comings and be done!

I wish you peace today, Raven. You are DESERVING of peace and all good things!! Hang in there and as I always say, keep the faith!

Mods: I used capitals not as a yelling, but merely to express the importance of hearing those words. I hope that is ok.

 

[Don't trip]

Raven,

How do I put the above on ignore? I'm lost, but that's a bit much.

I understand just where you are. In my healing process, that was the DARKEST time of my life. I felt abandoned by God, let alone by everyone else. But I was willing to sit in that pain because it was teaching me. I ranted, I raved, I was PISSED OFF!! BOY was I pissed to be there! But God IS there. It's us who define God by someone else's standards or what someone else says he is. Why believe them? That gives them the power, taking it away from you.

God doesn't drop shit from the sky, Raven. He can only do so much for us, the rest we have to do for ourselves. People often use God as an excuse NOT to move.."I'm waiting on God!" well, ya all will be waiting a looooong time! You see...God gave us a free will...He believes in us enough to let us decide. He's the ultimate compass that lives in my heart. I know this is just my perspective and God is a very sacred issue, at least again, for me, but what helped is that God wants my best, and that means I have to make decisions for myself and when I make the right ones, the outcome are His blessings. I have no explanations for what happened to me. It doesn't matter anymore, because it happened and that part is over, what's left is dealing with me now.

Raven, what really empowered me, I mean REALLY empowered me was when I realized I had CHOICES. I could choose to stay hopeless and victimized by it all, or I could choose to invest in ME and not THEM. This meant one baby step at a time and I'm two years into this, with a recent revelation that I have MILES to go. Now THAT is depressing!

In some ways...just some small ways, I believe I am blessed. No, it doesn't feel like that, and I do rail about not having the life that some other people do of comfort, but I choose to perceive this as kinda 'chosen' you know? I don't mean that in an arrogant way, but it helps me to see that everything that has happened to me has evolved into a purpose, a lesson to learn. I'm a slow learner too!

I can't explain to you how much I understand the dark place you're in right now. I waited for a long time for someone to rescue me, for someone to care. But I know that's my inner child crying out for help. I am no longer a child, but an adult and in order for me to continue to heal, I have to make adult decisions now. No one is going to rescue me. That's a painful thought, I know, especially with how unfair it feels after all you've experienced, but it is an uncomfortable reality that does get a little better everyday when you begin to understand that the only person who can change your perspectives and situation is you.

The best students get the hardest tests, Raven. God must know how strong you are. wanna know how? Just your CHOICE to be here and to share, says how STRONG you really are. Baby steps. :)

 

[quaintpapercut]

I am saying try to find a way to untangle the past from the present and then live in the present and make it the best you possibly can as you deserve it!

I think this is key - I'm just starting to recognize how many of my behaviours are tied up into things that have happened to me in the past. I'm at the point where I recognize it now but lack the tools to stop it. Untangle is an excellent way to describe it.

Just put one foot in front of the other and try something small and focus on that, once reprogrammed then something else.

Nicolette, your posts are very timely for me as its reminding me that we don't have to change everything all at once. Every day, we can make conscious choices to try to do at least one small thing different. With the hope being that eventually when you look back, you realize how all those small steps added up to a huge progress. One day at a time.

 

[Philippa]

I feel like I need to put it out there that I don't think Innordinate was trying to tell you to 'get over it' raven123.

The way I interpreted his words was more that he was trying to help you see that you cannot change anything that happened, but you can choose how you are going to move forward in your life, which is the basic message of many people in this thread.

It's important to process everything from the past, and no one has denied you that I don't think, and I can see why you may have heard what he said as being 'get over it'...I really can. Perhaps the words he chose were not the best, but I honestly don't think that was the intention behind saying them. I saw them as more motivating, but when a person is upset they don't always hear the meaning of another persons words correctly, and especially on the internet it is easy to misinterpret.

Having said that, I'm very sorry you were mistreated that way. Religious people can cause so much harm, and they can be really satanic whilst thinking they are 'good, god-fearing, folk' who are 'doing god's work'. There is a lot of hypocrisy within Christianity, and I'm sorry that the child you were copped all that. You definitely didn't deserve it.

 

[Don't trip]

Raven,

Wow, so many cool people here, really...

I just thought of something and I'd like to share it with you. Last year, my therapist told me to write out my abuse history and that this was my 'homework' and I was to read it to her. I put it here last night and now I want to delete it. I think I will if that option is up to me.

Anyway, Raven, it took me two weeks to get the nerve up to do it. When I finally got to it, I felt disconnected from it. Like writing another person's story. Third person writing.

It was harder to READ it out loud, than it was to type it out. My therapist gave me feedback and it was amazing her perspective. She said she saw a little girl who had 'tude'.

That is true. Do I really need to 'revisit' this? Perhaps, but in steps. When I wrote it out here last night, it put me back into a very ugly place and I've not been in a good place lately. This morning, it bothered me. So I thought I would take it down (if I can find it now lol), anyway. . .

My experience in therapy has been that after I read the story, I didn't need to tell it again. In fact, I feel very uncomfortable doing so. After I wrote it last night here, I was sobbing! I know what happened to me. What made me feel so angry while writing it, was feeling VICTIMIZED all over again. UGH! This is a place I've worked very, very hard to escape. If I stay in that ugly place, I'll dwell in the land of victim forever, rather than survivor. So when things come up in therapy, behaviors that I become aware of NOW that affect my life, we connect the dots to the past, and work on changing it. IT doesn't happen all at once, it can't. Our brains would explode.

I'm not saying not to feel what you feel, but there is a difference between processing and dwelling and personally, dwelling on my abuse history, gives me an excuse not to move forward or to try to resolve it (Not saying this is you, just my story). I have fought with all of that 'tude' to get away from dependence. I've noticed that when I regress, for me it's always coming from a place of FEAR. FEAR in moving forward, trusting myself, that kind of stuff. That's where therapy is invaluable to me. I have to lift my leg and move that foot, my therapist shines a little bit of light on the path, so that I don't trip and fall. But I do all the work.

You can do this. I know you can.

 

[Nicolette]

I'm not saying not to feel what you feel, but there is a difference between processing and dwelling and personally, dwelling on my abuse history, gives me an excuse not to move forward or to try to resolve it (Not saying this is you, just my story). I have fought with all of that 'tude' to get away from dependence. I've noticed that when I regress, for me it's always coming from a place of FEAR. FEAR in moving forward, trusting myself, that kind of stuff. That's where therapy is invaluable to me. I have to lift my leg and move that foot, my therapist shines a little bit of light on the path, so that I don't trip and fall. But I do all the work.

I like this!

 

[Nicolette]

"Get over it" doesn't work. I've tried to ignore it. I can't anymore. You are a cold-hearted person.

Two things:

1. I liked what Innordinate posted in terms of content - it may have come across as impersonal however this may be exacerbated when reading it coming from a place of vulnerability.

2. Opinions are just that and the way people express themselves is varied. Take Anthony for example who I sometimes feel is too direct and harsh. He upsets me with his directness at times but that is who he is. What is not fair though is to turn someone's opinion around and make it personal. Be mindful not to attack others due to someone hitting a nerve.

"Get over it" doesn't work.

I didn't interpret the post as saying 'Get over it' and I'm not taking sides either. Again when hurt or vulnerable or exposed then interpretation is at risk.

It took a lot to write what I did. I never did that before.

No one is or did discount that. We all appreciate your courage.

I often feel when someone says something which hurts me it is best to walk away and think about it before responding as sometimes my reactions can be fueled by my own position. If you are able, when something upsets you, to put it into the third person and look at you may find you come up with a different reaction.