Why Do Parents Hate Their Kids?

[raven123]

Don't Trip, Post it. I may learn something new. :)

 

[Don't trip]

Raven,

I did, on another thread already. :)

 

[Don't trip]

Raven,

By the way, great thread this has been, enlightening for me and very intelligently discussed by everyone. Great food for thought. I'm glad you posted!

 

[raven123]

Safenow, Been reading your "how it all began". Very interesting. Thanks for pointing me to it. :)

 

[safenow]

Be careful, raven. There are some posts that might trigger you.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Eleanor.

I understand that boundaries are something foreign if you've never had a sense of even having a right to them. I wasn't sexually abused as a child, but I did have a lot of entitled behavior imposed on me, and it can make the violations seem normal and so therefore why would you even try and stop it.

I hope what I said can be useful to all who are struggling to get a grasp of their own boundaries and learning how to assert them more.

 

[raven123]

"Shame Is At The Core Of All Wounds
Most of us were conditioned to believe that it isn’t okay to feel our feelings, especially the really strong emotions that threatened our caregivers’ world when we expressed them. So, sometimes unconsciously and with good intentions, they did whatever they could to influence us to bury the feelings.

Then, as young children we carried this belief seed of “not good enough / bad / did something wrong” and usually another reprimanding “event” occurred that caused the belief seed to take root and grow. Each time we were reprimanded and made wrong for being who we were, the “I am bad” thought was rethought and eventually became a belief.

The Core Wound In Emotional Pain
Becomes Unconscious

As we moved through childhood, adolescence and into adulthood, a self-preservation component of our psyche pushed this debilitating belief down into the subconscious. This part of us was driven by the instinct to do whatever we could to survive as best we could under challenging circumstances, including turning away from the emotional pain and denying – even to ourselves – that it existed. Unfortunately, even though the “I am bad” belief may now be unconscious, the energy of it still operates in our lives, sabotaging our self-empowerment, fulfillment, joy and well-being.

Some of us have had the experience of feeling emotionally “frozen” or cut off from our feelings. We know we feel SOMETHING but the feelings themselves are murky and indefinable. Again, this is the act of a part of us that tries to take care of us in the only way it knows how – to “freeze” up the emotions in order to protect us from the intolerable emotional pain of the shame and powerlessness we feel when we think we are “bad” at the core. In the whole spectrum of human emotions, this is the feeling that is absolutely the most painful.

Consequently, as we go about our lives, we may be aware of a vague feeling in the background that ranges anywhere from uncomfortable to intolerable emotional pain and suffering, without even having a word to describe or define it.

In this case, it takes practice to allow ourselves to actually feel what is really going on inside – to give PERMISSION to ourselves to feel it."

The quotes are from a long article here: http://www.wellbeingalignment.com/emotional-pain.html

*********

You're bad, worthless, stupid idiot, useless, spoiled brat (f*ck, my ass was never spoiled), etc. was what I was told over and over and over. And, it was interwoven with religion--God/Jesus thinks all that to about you--by my sperm donor. My mom was religious, too, and didn't counter it much if any of the time. Those churches I was forced to go to didn't either. F*cking makes me hate them even more now. Ah, well, I don't plan on ever going to another one--any of them, ever. They all will trigger past sh*t anyway.

 

[Eleanor]

The Dalai Lama said that when he first came to the U.S. he was so confused by the things people said when they talked to him. It just didn't make any sense to him... until he realized that in the U.S. we hold the assumption of "basic badness." He said that in Tibet, they believe that everyone is basically good, and it just colors everything differently. But here, we all seem to buy into this belief that people are, at root, basically bad. He thinks this is very unhealthy and very very sad.:(

This is one of many reasons I really like the Dalai Lama.:)

 

[Pencil]

Not very clever of the Dalai Lama, he should have been expecting it seeing that the US is a Christian country ;)

 

[raven123]

http://www.wellbeingalignment.com/superego.html

"When You Hear The Voice Of True Inner Guidance …

The guidance is always illuminated. You feel or see light accompanying the revelation.
It speaks of best case scenario – the anticipation of the reality of WONDERFUL things to come.
You feel the inclusion of other people and things in your experience, and encouragement to look for common ground.
You feel a positive emotion. At the very least, you will feel a door to relief opening. The more you are in alignment with this “voice” of God, you may feel a sense of expansion, as well as excitement and eagerness to take the step you are guided towards.
You are lit up with creative ideas and feel energized by thinking about them.
You feel joy and wellbeing as you begin putting your inspired ideas into action.

When You Hear The Voice Of The Superego …

You feel fear (or even terror) when you contemplate following your true heart’s desire.
It speaks in terms of worst case scenario and tries to convince you that the very worst thing possible will happen.
It generally speaks in terms of “right and wrong” or “good and evil,” and is quite rigid in identifying itself as “right” and “good” and anything outside it’s narrow perception as “wrong” and/or “evil.”
It speaks in a self-righteous tone.
It advocates separation and fear of others.
You feel small, held in, tight, constricted, censored and/or reprimanded.
You feel a sense of selling out on yourself and closing down your heart."

That stuff is real good. Easy to understand. Not a bunch of complex theories, a la the psychobabble profession.

 

[Pencil]

The other possibility is that he was brilliantly and diplomatically criticizing Christianity for the basic tenet of original sin.

 

[raven123]

Loving Yourself

"Changing Your Self-Dialogue

Getting back to our process of learning how to love yourself, earlier in this article we talked about becoming aware of when you feel negativity. Then you trace back to find the point where you started feeling that way. Look for the judgment thought you had about yourself. For example you might hear something like the ever-popular, “I’m a bad person.”

Try doing the dialogue in writing. For some people that is easier."

http://www.wellbeingalignment.com/how-to-love-yourself.html

****
Write the negatives and then the opposite.

Some examples of negatives (from link)
"There is something wrong with me. I’m really messed up."
"I’m bad."

"It’s all my fault."

"I’m incompetent. I don’t know what I’m doing."

"I’m not (good, smart, attractive, rich, etc.) enough."

"I should have (fill in the blank)."

"I’m not as (good, smart, attractive, successful, etc.) as that person."

"I’ll never get that job."

"I’ll never be able to do this. I don’t have what it takes."

At a deeper level, you might hear:

"I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be loved. I don’t deserve to have what I want."
"I deserve to be punished. I don’t deserve to be forgiven."

Lack of self love can also get projected out as:

"That person doesn’t like me. No one likes me."