Why do we take the blame?

[ILoveLife]

We don't take the blame. We assume responsibility because we need to get better. But instead of just assuming responsibility for rebuilding our lives and recovering, we take it all in as if "I'm responsible, I can change what happened". It's like if it was us in their position, we wouldn't do such things, so we take the responsibility of being better than them at all times, so if somehow there's a chance for that to happen, we KNOW we wouldn't be like that, in any way possible.
It's a way to keep our heads above the water in terms of morality of what happened I think.

You know I took my Phd in blaming myself for every single thing that happens in the world. Syrian war? Probably my fault. Coronavirus? I was sick once, that must be it.
It's like we carry the world of pain on our backs and it's easier to say "this is all mine" than to face the hard reality of not being able to attribute responsibility to the right person in real life, outside of our heads. When we do, we can be faced with being liars, or worse.

It's a natural process, but somehow it comes a time when we just have to accept that they know what they did and do, so that particular pain, is not our pain to carry.

I think one of the hardest parts of recovery, and me and you have talked about this before, is that they did what they did and we're the ones who suffer the consequences and have to deal with the wreckage. So it's easier to just assume responsibility for it all and be better people than they will ever be than to just assume we've been victims, which this society sees as a weakness.

 

[Freida]

So it's easier to just assume responsibility for it all and be better people than they will ever be than to just assume we've been victims, which this society sees as a weakness.

This makes me so sad.....for all of us. :(

 

[The Albatross]

@Freida I guess it depends on the way a person views "responsibility"?

In my case, what was done to me was not my responsibility. But how or if it impacts the rest of my life, or inhibits the quality of my life IS my responsibility. I don't view it as a sad thing. I view it as an empowering thing and a way to manage, cope, and transcend in as much as I can... the traumas. My goal was/is peace, calm, contentment and symptom management with the goal of nixing the victimization aspects of my past experience by becoming/being a creator of "now" experience. Gradually and just barely noticeably... things can improve.

My shrink was very rigid on the language I told myself. When I hit a word I didn't like... he'd have me examine it.

 

[Freida]

When I hit a word I didn't like... he'd have me examine it.

Good point! I've done that with my t before on many words but hadn't thought to run blame and responsibility.

 

[Rani G2]

Why Do I take - took the blame?

making it short: Born into an environment where the caregiver wanted you to be dead, was not agreeing with your very nature and so you go to great lengths in order to modify yourself. His/their voices/introjects became a part of my personality. The Me wanted to be seen through their eyes, this was a part of the process. This hardwiring came with selfblame/shame and can take a few years of therapy to cut through...
Nothing new, just another story and still repairing..

 

[Justmehere]

Control.

 

[RVA21]

It's (supposedly) our fault. Except it's not.. It's just that people find it easier to blame us rather than accept that the world has some incredibly evil people in it. They don't like to think that their friends, family or anyone, really .. could actually be a dangerous person. So we get the blame instead. For years I did blame myself too (I think partly to 'protect' others) but realised lately that none of it was my fault. And more people need to start realising that and educating others about it.

 

[Deanna]

We are use to taking the blame because everything was always our fault. "You made me do that!" And all that sick behavior that goes with it.

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Freida I haven't read the rest of the thread, just your initial post - but IMO it's just a side-effect of us not processing the memories correctly when/after it happened. With reprocessing comes loss of self-blame - and it's hard as hell and takes a lot of time, but I guess one thing at a time eh?

Totally armchair opinion there, and a short one, but there it is. I think it's as simple as trauma that has not been fully reprocessed yet. For me, it's often a -step- in the process for reprocessing given memory, along with a general over-arching self-blame that spans much of my life lol. Like, feeling like it's my fault that -all of that bad stuff- happened, in general, is very much still there. But, if I take certain specific memories, I have processed them to the point I don't think it's my fault, and I don't blame myself for doing anything wrong, and don't even think I did anything wrong (e.g. I did the best I could at the time with what I had)

For me, usually the "self-blame" part will either be present from the start of reprocessing (or before), or it will emerge towards the end of reprocessing things, after I have cleared away the "f*ck f*ck f*ck SCARY SCARY BAD BAD BAD" sort of stuff - if that makes any sense lol.

I imagine it's different for everyone, but there's my 2 bits.