Why Does Her Past Upset Me?

[Stuck20]

I have PTSD from sexual abuse at the ages of 5 and younger. I grew up with a lot of anxiety around dating and sex. I have been in therapy and come such a long way with dealing with my abuse. I can talk about it calmly now and without getting so upset.
I met my wife 11 years ago at work. She was an introvert who was able to socialize, much like myself. We dated for 1 year and then got married. I knew of 1 boyfriend she had in the past but didn't know about anyone else. She never talked about her dating and sexual past whereas I disclosed almost everything. All I knew is that she didn't want to have sex until we were married and that she hadn't had sex before. I guess I thought she hadn't had a lot of sexual experience because of that. Well, fast forward 10 years later and I find out that she had some longer term boyfriends in the past. It turns out that she was a late bloomer and didn't date until after college. But in about a 3 year span, she kissed about 20 guys. I was a little surprised but fine. Then we recently were talking about dating. She basically said that people have sex on their first dates most of the time. She said she was able to adjust to the dating scene quickly after college.
My experience was that of getting drunk and kissing girls a lot. I didn't have sex except maybe once when I blacked out. I had oral sex with 7 people, only 3 of whom reciprocated. I didn't date much at all.
Now I'm all anxious about my wife's past. There's part of me that wants to know how many people she's had oral sex with. I want to know who these guys were. But the sensible part of me knows that it doesn't matter and that it's all in the past. Yet, my anxiety persists. I wake up at night thinking about it. I think about it every day. I want the thoughts to stop and go away. I can't help but think that this is connected to my PTSD. The type of anxiety feels the same. I don't want to ask my wife these questions because she will get upset and shut me out. She's a very private person and stresses out when I bring up her past. Plus I realistically don't need to know. Do other people with PTSD from sexual abuse spaz about their significant other's past sexual experiences? I want to find out what the trigger is so that I can work on it. Please help.

 

[Friday]

She's a very private person and stresses out when I bring up her past. Plus I realistically don't need to know. Do other people with PTSD from sexual abuse spaz about their significant other's past sexual experiences? I want to find out what the trigger is so that I can work on it. Please help.

Most men (and some women), from certain cultures or subcultures, tend to spaz out about their partners past sexual history.

Of course she gets stressed out, it's dehumanizing and insulting to have someone upset over your past, and worse to judge & condemn you over it now when that's no longer your life, which is fixed and unchangeable. Especially when someone conflates their not asking or assuming, as your lying.

It really doesn't matter if it's sexual or not... When something from your past turns your partner into an insecure wreck or makes them look at you with any kind of revulsion? It's a very difficult position to be in.

My PTSD isn't from sexual abuse, although I've been raped plenty / picked up a few quirks from there. One thing that has done is to crystallize my views and opinions about sex. Black & white thinking, for sure. My piece pretty much surrounds consent from all parties (which also means, while I'm fine with open relationships, affairs/adultery are effing disgusting). I have to be very careful to mind my side of the street, on both, and not put my issues on others.

 

[Stuck20]

I don't want to spaz. I'm not judging like it's wrong or right. I don't want to have a reaction at all. I don't know why it's bothering me but it feels like PTSD associated anxiety. I don't understand why this is happening to me and I want it to stop.

 

[Friday]

I don't know why it's bothering me but it feels like PTSD associated anxiety.

That's good news, actually. What's instilled into us via culture is much harder to work around. :) Especially as it's basically healthy. (Sex is all about personal preference. There's absolutely nothing wrong with most cultural views around sex & marriage, even though they're often 180 degrees different from each other.) Choosing to break from unhealthy stuff is hard enough. Breaking from healthy stuff, too? Things start getting really murky.

 

[Powder]

It could be bothering you because you may feel she didn't reciprocate, like you told her but she didn't tell you everything up front.

You said she's more of a private person. I think it's important to not obsess about being DIFFERENT from our mates. Of course there is difference.

I heard a famous PTSD PDoc say that in dealing with life, there are those who NEED to talk (often a lot) about stuff in order to Process it; and those who don't. Those who don't actually avoid talking, and NEED privacy to roll it around alone in their heads and hearts for a long time. Publically airing it in front of others seems not only counterproductive to how they process, but retraumatizing to them.

Maybe you and your wife are opposites, and this PDoc says that most couples are opposites in this way. One talker, one listener.

It's not only okay, but it can work really well in tandem if you figure out that she's not Withholding from you vital information that you should have had, she's different in how she processes the world, essentially, and that's not gonna change. In fact, if you dump her you'll likely find another person who processes similarly, and you'll end up back in this place, emotionally again, because this sounds to me more like a need for greater intimacy and finding difference hard to accept with the price you pay for it.

Maybe you think her ways of being sexual are extremes, and maybe she has issues about that which she may need to explore in her life. But ultimately if she is in love with and loyal to you how you need her to be, there is no problem.

Remember, most humans make a lot of foolish mistakes until they find a desired path; life is learning.

I think you're freaked out because you feel like you don't really know her. That she was hiding this from you, her real self. Maybe you need to commit to loving her for who she really is, which isn't that different, but more complex than you realized.

 

[Weemie]

because you're obsessing. whether she f*cked 2 guys or 20, people compartmentalize differently. people don't owe you their history. take a pill or something. or break up with her.

 

[Stuck20]

Im not looking to break up with her. I love her. She is not the problem. She did nothing wrong or extreme. I'm the one with the problem. I want to stop these foolish thoughts in my head but I first need to understand what exactly triggered me. Muse might be on to something about looking for greater intimacy. For almost 10 years, I thought we could say anything to each other. It turns out that's not the case.
I also wonder if I'm afraid something bad happened to her sexually. If it did, I know that I can and should never force her to talk about it. I think that I also feel not worthy of her. I'm so fortunate to have such a wonderful person love me.

 

[The Albatross]

PTSD's often mislabel or use the wrong words. Is it anxiety or something else like insecurity for instance. The idea/belief (?) that "we can say anything to each other" was busted.

Your inclination to think this is about your PTSD is possibly quite right as you are the one disturbed by your thoughts on this issue. You are also projecting (possibly) your own issues onto her sexual experiences. The remedy of course, is to have a conversation and get her feedback.

I am though confused why on the one hand you think/thought that you could say anything to each other but later on you say you can not dialogue with your wife about this because she will get upset and shut you out. Perhaps the anxiety/insecurity (or other word for the emotion that may fit better to what you are experiencing) is the collision resulting from the conflicting beliefs "we can say anything to each other" v.s. "My wife isa very private person and stresses out when I bring up her past."

So far as trigger... I'm not seeing one, at least not by what you've posted/written so far. To me it reads more like compulsive obsessing. The question is not necessarily "Why does her past upset me?" so much as "Why am I compulsively obsessing about my wife's past and upsetting myself?"

I think you are doing your spouse a disservice by projecting your anxiety onto her when you would be better served either clearing the air with communication or managing your anxiety having made the conscious decision that your partner's sexual history is not necessary unless or until she want's to share it. It does not negate the fact that your wife has partnered you for 10 years right?

 

[Stuck20]

I used to think we could talk about anything. Actually, since this topic came up 1.5 years ago, I've discovered that my wife isn't comfortable talking to me about some things. I don't even know what topics are avoided by her. She just says there are things that she avoids talking to me about. I, in turn, have pulled back and am not comfortable talking to her about some things like my current anxiety/obsession because I don't want to make her stress out. I guess I discovered that she is more private than I realized for 10 years. My insecurity has definitely increased since this all happened and I worry about our relationship and whether it will last.
As for telling her what is going on with me, I think it will only stress her out, drive her away and that there's nothing that she can do about it. It's my problem to deal with. I don't see how telling her will help anything. As far as she knows, thoughts about her past have stopped for over a year. In reality, it pops into my mind almost every day. It's only recently that I've had such anxiety about it that I even wake up at night sometimes, thinking about it.

 

[The Albatross]

If this occurred a year and a half ago and you are still compelled to think about it every day... then it is mind reading to presuppose that it will drive her away though you are living the experience and probably know best. That would leave dealing independently with your compulsive obsessing about your wife's sex life. There are resources for that but I don't have a lot of personal experience with those... maybe someone else here who does will come forward. The only one I know is STOP thought. Maybe worth a google/net search.

 

[The Albatross]

About thought stopping, but it takes practice, patience, perseverance, persistence and consistency: http://panicdisorder.about.com/od/livingwithpd/a/thoughtstopping.htm

It is commonly used in other venues than panic disorder so don't let that bother you. Hope it's helpful.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

For almost 10 years, I thought we could say anything to each other. It turns out that's not the case.

The truth is that many of us do stupid shit in the moment (of whatever) that we later regret. I'm all for honesty, but at the same time, why should someone put it all out on the table when something from the past could upset a current relationship? I can guarantee you that I've had the craziest of crazy thoughts and I've done some bad things in my past. But, that is the PAST and I am not the same person. I'm not being hypocritical because when I'm with someone, I don't expect them to lay it all out on the table with me and expose every single detail of their past, including something they did once 20+ years ago when they were a drunken teenager.

We all deserve to have private moments, thoughts, feelings, and so on. I know that some prefer 1000% honesty, and maybe you're obsessing because you feel like you've lived a lie for the last 10 years. You thought you could tell your wife anything, and vice versa. Now that you know the truth, your world has shattered and the person you trust the most, well, you realize there are parts to her that you don't know about. I can see why you're obsessing. Now you worry that your wife has been sexually abused.....all because she's not the purest of the pure person you thought she was. I'm also guessing that part of what drew you to her was this virginal persona that she presented to you.....but now she's not that person, nor was she ever (you KWIM). In this sense, your wife isn't who you thought she was.