Will I always be afraid?

[Gmork]

Hello, this is my first post on the forum.

I'm at the moment on a longer car ride, which made me analyse my feelings I've had today. Almost as soon as I woke up I became afraid.
Afraid because I had a meeting where the goal is for me to get out and work. I thought about how it would be like, which people would be there and then I got triggered.

I just can't handle this paranoia I have. I don't know if it's hypervigilance or if I'm actually paranoid. I don't think anyone is out to get me but I'm very scared that it will happen. Because it's happened before. The worst is that I'm scared of the men that has already hurt me. As if they would come and ruin my life more. I see their faces everyday in my mind and the memories. I am so very tired that they're able to control me even though I am safe.

I'm going through CBT-therapy since last summer, when I got diagnosed with PTSD. I don't really feel any different other than it's nice I've had the courage to tell my friends and my partner about my trauma. Though this paranoia is something I'd rather keep to myself. (I don't know if it's a stupid question, but it would be nice to know if others obsess/obsessed about their perpetrators.)

I just wonder if this is what life shall be like. I'm in my 20s and I feel so hopeless.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @Gmork, your not alone. I too suffer from paranoia because of the abuse that I've suffered. I wake up in fear and have flashbacks of my perpetrators and different scenarios. It's good that your in therapy. That will definately help you.

I was in counselling but it was suspended due to virus. Paranoia comes with the territory unfortunately but it will lesson as time goes on and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds like you have a good support network with family and friends and that's great. Sometimes when I'm paranoid I repeat a mantra to myself, saying 'I am safe now ' and that 'those people can't hurt me anymore'.

Welcome to the site, there are lots of supportive people here who can help and support you. All the best to you. ? S3.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Hello, this is my first post on the forum.

I'm at the moment on a longer car ride, which made me analyse my feelings I've had today. Almost as soon as I woke up I became afraid.
Afraid because I had a meeting where the goal is for me to get out and work. I thought about how it would be like, which people would be there and then I got triggered.

I just can't handle this paranoia I have. I don't know if it's hypervigilance or if I'm actually paranoid. I don't think anyone is out to get me but I'm very scared that it will happen. Because it's happened before. The worst is that I'm scared of the men that has already hurt me. As if they would come and ruin my life more. I see their faces everyday in my mind and the memories. I am so very tired that they're able to control me even though I am safe.

I'm going through CBT-therapy since last summer, when I got diagnosed with PTSD. I don't really feel any different other than it's nice I've had the courage to tell my friends and my partner about my trauma. Though this paranoia is something I'd rather keep to myself. (I don't know if it's a stupid question, but it would be nice to know if others obsess/obsessed about their perpetrators.)

I just wonder if this is what life shall be like. I'm in my 20s and I feel so hopeless.

Hi, Gmork. I'm glad you are reaching out for help. That is a sign that you are not hopeless. So, know that: You are not hopeless.

It's very normal to be concerned that someone who abused you/was violent toward you before, might do it again. I think that part of the hypervigilance stems from an instinct to self-protect. Self-preservation is healthy. However, with PTSD it can be hard to differentiate between healthy self-protection and paranoia.

Are the men who abused you in your current environment, social circle? Do you pass by places where they are likely to be in the present? If the answers to those questions are yes, then I think your fear might be reasonable, as opposed to paranoid. It all depends on how long they last contacted you, and other specifics.

The majority of my abuse took place decades ago, but one of my abusers lives less than two miles from me. So, sometimes I still have thoughts that he may try to attack me again. But it is unlikely, since the last time he even contacted me was months ago. Mainly, he just resorts to harassing me sporadically. I try not to let it get under my skin, and I don't respond to any of his BS. Responding to him would only egg him on, and I don't want to encourage his crap.

So, what is your current situation? Answering this question can help you get a handle on whether or not your abusers are likely to be a current threat, or if you are most likely safe from them now.