Woke Up With Fresh Cuts

[Momofthree]

Hi Everyone,
I am new to the blog, but have been living with C-PTSD (diagnosed two years now). I am 29, a Navy vet, single mother of three, survivor of childhood trauma and abuse, as well as survivor of a domestic violence relationship full of all forms of abuse; sexual, psychological, emotional, mental, verbal, physical, and financial. My ex is a diagnosed psychopath and I have no contact with him. So my issue is that I had a dissociation episode last night. I drank a rum and coke just one, I didn't get drunk I was trying to relax, (In hind site maybe not a good idea) and woke up this morning in a panic. I didn't know where my phone was, when I found it there were texts to my partner (abuse free relationship) about feeling worthlessness and being a failure. I don't remember sending them, the last text I remember sending was three texts before that where I told him good night. I then noticed fresh razor blade cuts on my ankle. I have been under a lot of stress lately with school and depression (I am having to take an incomplete on one of my classes because I can't focus) I was wondering if anyone else had ever had similar experiences with black outs and if so what helped. Thanks :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My only suggestion is to cut out the drinking completely. For some of us with PTSD, there is no such thing as moderation when it comes to drinking. Half a beer and that night I'll wake up in a night terror. Its so not worth it.

 

[anthony]

Have you had a blackout when alcohol free?

 

[Momofthree]

Yeah, I have decided that I'm going to set aside all alcohol for the time being. I have had alcohol free blackouts and I have had nights where I was wasted and had no issues at all. I think it was the stress I have been under and the alcohol only helped worsen what would have been a bad night anyway. I talked to my therapist today and he seems to think that it is from the memory flooding I have been having recently. In the attempt to forget I blacked out.

 

[anthony]

memory flooding I have been having recently

That will certainly contribute to highly dissociated states / black outs.

 

[Ronin]

Momofthree, yes to similar experiences.
What helped, first not dwelling on the fact there was a black out, not blaming myself for what ever I did during it, or that I lost control like that. (Don't know how you are with loss of control; personally I drive myself nuts when not even knowing what I was up to bc I could have been doing hella lot stupid shit with consequences during & not have a clue.)

Simply, establish time was lost, how much, probable causes, and what that time was spent on. Once you have that, don't go over the details unless you did something massively unsafe that needs working on; don't give into the feeling you don't have your life together. Blackouts are just that. They aren't telling about how together or not is your life; just that there's massive stress and your brain shortcircuited on compartmentalizing it. That's normal. It may not be 'OK' but hell so isn't the stress.

Try to minimize the stress where possible. Take it small.

Do self care; simple cutting stress may not be simple and may not be enough. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve the gentleness.