Work Christmas Parties

[Hashi]

I've got two Christmas parties where I work, and had the first one yesterday. I just need to vent. Please feel free to join in if you do too.

Yesterday was for the whole company. I had a long train ride to a different city for this. To make it worthwhile, it was a long day with lots of activities (which were very stressful for me) and lots of drinking (I don't drink and hate being around people who are drinking). It was badly organised, so we also had a lot of down time trying to think of things to say to each other (more stress).

I was worn out and didn't psych myself enough for the bar we switched to for the evening. It was a nightmare of noise and crowding, I wasn't prepared, couldn't handle it, and I turned and walked straight out again through everyone else coming in. Great. After a bit of time outside, I worked out a strategy and got into the right headspace and went back in.

I went up to someone who I know never stops talking and joined his group, so I only had to smile and not say anything. After half an hour I said I had to get the train back and said my goodbyes. The other people getting the same train pointed out it was an hour too early, at which I was honest and said I didn't like bars and couldn't spend any longer there.

Walking around killing time until the train, a homeless man asked for money for food and I offered to buy him some. He told me how much he hated life and how miserable everything was. I felt both upset for myself because it's exactly how I feel, and like I was wrong to feel it because I wasn't homeless and begging. I felt terrible for him. He needed proper help and wasn't getting it, and had said so, but I had no reply. Unfortunately my overwrought feelings came out in Caffe Nero and I burst into tears as soon as I spoke to give my order. Great again.

I had to wait for the train I was booked onto. I'm angry that I was required to stay for the some of the evening, which I didn't know about until too late to ask to leave earlier. I'm new at the company, on probation and finding it a real struggle. The whole day was mandatory, and I didn't want to create a conflict. Keeping my job is my priority so this time I put up with it. But it was so late going home. It meant that when I finally got to my home station it was after 11pm and too late to walk so I had to get a taxi back to my house.

If the rest of the day was stressful, that was nothing compared to the prospect of getting a taxi at the end of it. One of my traumas began when I got into a fake taxi and was abducted, and I've only recently managed to take a taxi again. That accomplishment was in the middle of the day in the city centre, though, and this was late, dark and down deserted side streets. In the end it was fine and I had no panic or anxiety, although when I was finally inside my house I had quite a bit of somatic reaction.

To round off a perfectly horrible day, I'd been so stressed and exhausted I forgot to get receipts for my meal on the train home and for the taxi, so I can't claim the money back for them. I know I need to get over this but it's making me really, really mad! After all that, I have to pay for it out of my own money too!!!!

At least after showing willing this time I feel able to refuse any more bar evenings. Our next party, for just my own office, is much nearer to Christmas and is a meal followed by drinks. I'm only going to go the meal. That's enough of an ask, really, since it's at a steakhouse and I'm a vegetarian....

 

[franciemarnie]

Can I just say how much I admire you for going thru that day and handling it the way you did? You are amazing. I don't know if I could have done so well or done it at all. I mean, if I had to because of the reasons you listed, I would have but work parties always sounded like a living hell to me. I don't drink either. And working all week with these people, why would I want to see them on my time off.

Given that I'm so hard of hearing (I can hear you speak with hearing aids if there is no background noise and no one else is speaking and I can read your lips) so I used that as an excuse over the years - that I wouldn't be able to hear anyone. But it did count against me big time at my last job, so it was politically smart that you went. I think you did incredible. I just wanted to say that.

 

[Abstract]

Firstly :cry:. It sounds truly awful on so many levels and topped of in the worst possible way.

Secondly I agree with franciemarnie. I know this is an "achievement" that you could do without and would not choose to do, ever, but it is one nonetheless. You survived without totally freaking out in front of someone in charge of you and secured your place in the company. I am sure it is irksome to say the least that you had to endure this. You are out on the other side now so huge credit to you.

I have managed to get a cab receipt afterwards by the way so it may be worth a shot. They log trips and don't tend to be too pernickety about receipts.

 

[WillyKat]

That all sucks very much. Sorry you had to go through it all.

I can relate to a lot of what you say. I gave up alcohol almost entirely back in my 20s. That's because it almost always initiated a downward cycle of depression that would not quit until I hit bottom. It's also because I hate how people are when they drink. They act like idiots, a-holes, and expect everyone to join them in those pursuits. And if you don't join in, you're made to feel antisocial.

It's funny too how companies expect everyone to have the same personality: social drinker, party goer, always happy or at least faking it, and ain't it great to work here. My company has a reputation as a good place to work and to some degree it is, but someone in HR several weeks ago saw me on the elevator and I guess I must have had a "I hate this; wish I was camping" look on my face and she said something about cheering up because it's almost 5pm or something. Her tone struck me as a bit of a reprimand: "you vill be happy vorking here, yah?" Grrr.

And this time of year sucks anyway. Whatever Christmas may have meant one time doesn't mean squat now. About the only thing I look forward to is a few days off and the days beginning to get longer again after the 21st or so.

Hang in there Hashi!

 

[gone]

What a friggin' nightmare. Sorry you had to live through that. Really glad you got home safe and sound—and that you let off some steam here. (Why do these companies insist on holiday parties? I have a friend who works for a company that says, "We know you don't want a party, we'll just give you more time off.") Seems to me your thinking and strategizing and coping skills throughout the night were absolutely amazing.

 

[maddog]

Hashi, I feel a little mute to offer more than has already been said. I had an overwhelmingly intense wash of painful empathy when reading your post, both because I have endured very similar Xmas parties, for very similar reasons, with very similar stressors in the past, and because even just reading your post reminded me of one of the hundred thousand reasons why this time of year has long been such a source of silent disconnected horror for me.

Just wanted to add my voice of recognition of how incredibly well you coped, strategized and survived given the horrific circumstances. I never, ever did as well, and typically resorted to excessive drinking just to cope, which not surprisingly, added whole new layers of horribleness to the situation. Being blind, I find the intense noise level and general mayhem of pubs and clubs to be extremely isolating, frightening and disorientating, and thesedays even walking past one makes me feel nauseous.

I also have taxi-related trauma and am phobically afraid of catching them. I haven't for years, and will do absolutely anything - even dangerous and reckless things that constitute much more actual danger - in order to avoid them. The "just grab a cab" ticket was always a message of dread for me.

It's strange. I have been thinking a lot about all of this lately, given the time of year. Now that I'm not at work, I have no Xmas parties to either manage or somehow escape from. There is a deep miserable relief in that for me. I do, however, have a Xmas party of sorts for my rowing club next Sunday, plus one for the trauma programme I attend twice weekly, and am almost frantically desperate to escape both. Neither will be the sort of party you experienced, but somehow the association is unbreakable in my mind, and the level of distress I am feeling in anticipation of either going or somehow getting out of them, is enormous.

Sorry for hijacking your thread. I am struggling to come to terms with how deeply I felt the emotional impact of your post though.

I truly truly hope the next, smaller event, is less stressful and more easily escapable for you. Whether or not it feels like it, your personal boundaries and level of self care and self control in this situation were amazing. Pity they had to be demonstrated under such circumstances...

Maddog

 

[Seasounds]

Wow, Hashi, you managed your way many complex situations! I agree with others, as aggravating and stressful as the day was, terrific work! Sorry you day was so weird and troubling. What a relief you don't need to go through that again.

As I write this, I'm inspired by the internal center you've developed, that allowed you to go through dealing with the ridiculous requirement of your employer, and the situations involving drinking, a homeless person, having to wait to get a train, and then a taxi ride-that triggered things a bit. You recognized when you needed something different and took actions. People without PTSD have no idea what it takes, for someone with PTSD to get through a day, while engaging in society! (Imagine, such a manual, for your day.)

I hope you get to regenerate this weekend, doing some things you find healing and enjoyable.

 

[macca]

Hashi - that sounds truly horrible. I'm so glad that it's over now, and you have made it. You've made it through despite everything. I feel so proud of you! I just wiggled out of my work Christmas party, and have always wiggled out of every single one of the social nights. Lucky for me, I have been allowed to get out of it. My previous job (I was there 6-7 years) - I never went even ONCE. Again, luckily I was doing a job that I enjoyed, but not many others wanted, so got away with it (working on-road - loved it - on my own).

Maddog - I hope you can get out of it, but if you can't, keep telling yourself anything you can to get through, like "it's not many people" or "these people will not expect too much of me" (I hope these things are true). I know if I end up having to go somewhere now, I'm going to think of Hashi, and try and do as well as she has done.

 

[Hashi]

Thank you all for your kind words. I was seeing it as survival more than dealing with anything well, but I feel encouraged by what people have said. I do feel glad that I managed to go back into the bar, because I was seriously considering making a break for it at that point. I think my colleagues are probably less impressed about that than me, since they saw me run out and one later asked me if I was OK and said I'd looked terrified. I'm less upset about this than I might be, because that reinforces my not going out drinking again, and they might think I'm strange but at least it's doesn't come over as an attitude problem.

I think people are going to think I'm quite neurotic, actually. I might as well embrace this. Earlier in the day people had been teasing me in a friendly way about keeping my handbag with me all the time. I was able to joke about being from the big city (London) while they're from the more relaxed north of England. The Director then started joking about desensitising with exposure therapy, making me leave the house for the day with the front door wide open, ho ho ho.

What an irony. I actually have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) relating to safety and checking locks, and have been having a grim time working on desensitising myself (although not leaving the front door open :eek:) so that was really uncomfortable. It wasn't intended to be. I think people were actually trying to be nice and find a way to be inclusive. They weren't laughing at me and didn't really mean it - I hope. I keep telling myself that if it was obvious I had real mental health issues they wouldn't have been laughing about it.

I'm also trying not to think about the fact that from a conversation on the day I realised I've made YET ANOTHER foolish mistake that I'm going to have to tell my boss about next week.

The whole day seemed to be shining a spotlight on all my struggles and differences from other people. Also on the fact that I can't really fake it any more. I used to be so high functioning that other people at work actually envied me, and had no idea I was anything other than capable and confident. Clearly, that's no longer the case. All I can aim for now is to do a good enough job, not come over as negative, and try not to criticise myself too harshly. :cry:

 

[Hashi]

I just wiggled out of my work Christmas party, and have always wiggled out of every single one of the social nights. Lucky for me...

(Why do these companies insist on holiday parties? I have a friend who works for a company that says, "We know you don't want a party, we'll just give you more time off.")

It's funny too how companies expect everyone to have the same personality: social drinker, party goer,

working all week with these people, why would I want to see them on my time off.

EXACTLY! Thank you.

I think my company honestly believes that it's good for team spirit. I do think some kind of get together between remote offices is good because otherwise we only know each other through phone and email. But can't that be in a work context? And as for the people you spend all day with, five days a week... that's what the kettle in the kitchen is for, and just the right amount of time - say, five minutes. No-one needs to work socialise longer than that.

There's a reason alcohol plays such a big part in these things.

I have managed to get a cab receipt afterwards by the way so it may be worth a shot.

Unfortunately it wasn't a pre-booked cab, I got it at the station taxi rank. I'm hoping I get one of those taxi business cards they often put through the letter box, so I can write the amount on and use that. Can't work out a way to get my hands on a suitable receipt for a takeaway salad from [northern city] on 29 November, though!

I hope you get to regenerate this weekend, doing some things you find healing and enjoyable.

Thank you. I did an art workshop yesterday, which was good, and am lazing around in pyjamas today.

 

[Hashi]

I also have taxi-related trauma and am phobically afraid of catching them. I haven't for years, and will do absolutely anything - even dangerous and reckless things that constitute much more actual danger - in order to avoid them. The "just grab a cab" ticket was always a message of dread for me.

Very much the same for me until doing a lot of work on this. It's still very difficult. I'd been trying not to obsess in advance about the taxi ride home, but I did consider paying to stay the night in a hotel next to the station (fifteen minutes walk from my own house) to avoid it. I knew I'd also be grappling with the urge to walk instead, which would be far more dangerous, and inevitably it took a lot of willpower not to do that. In the past I've done it.

The plan for my group to get to the station from the bar was "we'll grab a cab". That was way past my limit for the day. I'd downloaded street maps in advance so I could definitely walk it - not just from the bar to the station but for the whole of the city centre so even if I went the wrong way I'd be able to orientate myself and keep walking.

I have endured very similar Xmas parties... typically resorted to excessive drinking just to cope, which not surprisingly, added whole new layers of horribleness to the situation.

The only reason I don't is that my main excuse for not going to the pub with people from work is that I don't drink. I do try to refrain from drinking as much as I can, because I've been alcohol dependent in the past and had a real problem with it. Despite that, I think I would drink like a fish to get through these things if it wasn't for needing to maintain my excuse for staying away from as many as possible.

I can imagine the extra layers of horribleness. :(

I do, however, have a Xmas party ... for the trauma programme I attend twice weekly, and am almost frantically desperate to escape...

Oh maddog, how ironic! It's hard to imagine anyone on a trauma programme wanting to attend a Christmas party. I'm trying to imagine the ideal celebration for that scenario. I'm thinking each chair in a separate room, with a complementary coping box of video games, essential oils, stuffed toys, modelling clay and a blanket. It would start at 3pm and finish at 3.15. Comfort food, soft drinks and medication would be served throughout...

I hope you don't mind me being a bit less serious about it for a moment. I do feel for you, seriously, and everyone who has to face the inevitable get togethers at this time of year.

You aren't hijacking this thread at all. I was hoping anyone who wanted to express their feelings would be able to.

Here's to the festive season being over!

 

[scout86]

I once worked at a place that did mandatory holiday parties too. What are they THINKING????

This past summer a friend of mine got married. I was invited. Part of the reception involved a gathering on a boat. She wanted me to come, but said, when she issued the invitation, "Now, you're going to be on a boat, in the middle of a lake, for at least 3 hours, and you can't leave, so I'll understand if you don't want to come." ( it's nice to have friends who are still your friends, even though they know you're nuts! LOL) I went. I told myself, every time I started to worry about it, that "All these people I don't know are friends of my friends. Knowing that, there's a good chance MOST of them will be not only nice, but interesting." They were. I had a good time and was glad I went. Unfortunately there isn't the same selection process for company parties.

Hashi., I like the sound of YOUR party!