Long Term and Varied PTSD Issues

[heather q]

Hello, I am Heather, I've had PTSD for most of my life but only just discovered what it was, I have been looking at this site for a day and have gained a great deal of insight already, my worst issues right now I believe are triggers, the main one is noise, sometimes it's the unexpected noise, other times it's the repeating in a song, or a voice that grates on me. Low flying aircraft are an issue.

Some of it started/resurfaced after a car accident after which I couldn't go to dances anymore because of the noise level of the band, I ran out scared, not knowing what was going on, since then it seems that all the trivial and not so trivial trauma's have piled up, layer upon layer to a point where I cannot be around people or noise, work is difficult because it means being around people, if I have to work with someone it seems they want to talk all the time and require me to listen, I don't have the energy to listen and I feel exhausted having to make the effort.

I have several different variations of issues that could have started PTSD but I just read that PDST is the same however it started out, that is good to know, maybe I'll be able to improve things, and knowing that means that maybe some of it will recover without me having to delve into it all.

Some things I know happened, but I have a time space as a child where I'm missing memory, I'm seeing things once in a while that come back as flashbacks where I'm able to connect small sections, the flashbacks are frequent and I don't find them scary anymore, now that I understand them. I have a great therapist who is kind and non-threatening, for which I'm very grateful, he believes me, and that has made all the difference.

Right now I feel as though I have hope, last weekend I drove to an area where I was previously raped, I did this in an effort to recover, I didn't know where it had happend and was only taking a trip to get my feet wet in preparation for the real trip, well I stumbled upon the area and the memories came flooding back, I didn't stay long, four minutes at the gate of the camp site was all I could do, I didn't get out of the car, on the return I got a bit lost, knew I wasn't functioning very well, but I discovered a part of me that wasn't available before, a very secure "knowing" that I was safe, that I would be safe and I would get home alright.

I made it home alright with some help from the locals, and I am in awe at the part of me that is now available to me to keep me safe. I had tried to make that trip before, this time was the right time for the start of my recovery.

Thank you Anthony for steering me in the right direction, and to Fin, who advised me that there was a direction to start from, I am grateful for your help and for having a place to belong.

Heather :smile:

 

[fin]

Hi Heather,

I am so glad to see you back, and to read your Introduction. Very well done. Please be very proud of yourself.

I believe I see in your writing your determination and I am very moved by it. I believe what you have been able to achieve is very brave, you are strong....(I feel like I can hear Yoda as I am saying this, ha!! I know you have read my diary so I hope that you wont think I am being flippant in writing that), as you will know I do believe that while humour can sometimes not always be approprite, it can in itself be a mighty weapon against the daily battle of surviving and coming out the other end of this. And anything that helps- positively helps us to get through this has to be good. I lost mine for quite some time, but it is filtering back a little now, I am glad to read that yours has not left you entirely.

So I was saying that I do believe that you are a very strong and determined lady, and I believe from what I have read of your writing already, that you have an good insight of yourself, it will stand you in good stead for the work ahead. It wont be easy Heather, as I know you are already aware. And there will be good days and bad days, we are all at different places along this path. I have found that just knowing you aren't alone with it any more helps big time.

There is so much here Heather, as you have already seen, read and ask whatever you need to, this is such a warm and supportive place. Educating yourself is part of the struggle against the PTSD, I know you already know that. So read and read more and then some. There have been many things that have kept me going just that other people have said to each other, it hasn't always needed to be specific to me. Just in encouragement alone from one member to another, I have sometimes read this as though it has been said to me, because it has in some ways. This is an open forum and the things that are written here can uplift all of us. And the combined experience is really priceless; so much here has already been dealt with by some that were here, and some are still here now and are helping and guiding us, through their writing then and now.


I am so glad to read about your therapist also, being believed and being able to trust is a wonderful thing to be able to have with the person guiding and helping you through this. And I am thrilled that you are in awe of that part of yourself, that kept you safe, be proud Heather of everything that you have and are able to achieve. And be kind to yourself also, on the bad days try not to let the awe diminish, and have faith in yourself. Be inspired Heather.

So Welcome again, I am so pleased that I could have helped in some way. And now, out here in Introductions I am sure that there will be others that will warmly welcome you also.


Well done, in making that first step. :Hug_emoticon:




~fin

 

[patrick]

Hi Heather,

Welcome to the forum. What an inspirational introduction. It looks to me like you will have a lot to offer to the rest of us here, and for that I am grateful. I really like reading about people's successes because it gives me hope. Lot's of good information here, and some great people to offer encouragement and support when you need it. And sometimes, even some good advice when you don't particularly want it, which for me usually turns out to be the best advice of all

Pat

 

[goingonhope]

I discovered a part of me that wasn't available before, a very secure "knowing" that I was safe, that I would be safe and I would get home alright.

I made it home alright with some help from the locals, and I am in awe at the part of me that is now available to me to keep me safe. I had tried to make that trip before, this time was the right time for the start of my recovery.

:hello:Hi Heather, & Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing, this deeply positive effort and experience with us. Thank you.

 

[heather q]

I found me a trigger and I am so pleased about it

:smile: Thank you for the replies, excellent, it's very nice to be welcomed, quite a treat, today I was looking for specifically triggers, I didn't think I'd run into much because I was working on my own most of the day, well, now that I'm aware of triggers, I find almost everything is a trigger, no wonder I've felt rotten for so long, traffic noise, over-head cranes beeping, reversing truck beepers, birds, annoyed people thrashing around, smells and much more, all the triggers that I worked on took me back to some forgotten time, an 'aha' moment where, at times I was able to see the origin of the trigger, it was amazing, I'm so excited about it, and I believe I shall be ok. :clap:

One trigger in particular was interesting, I was about six years old or so, I was at the convent, I had to write exactly right, in the proper form, rounded letters and correct loop on the L and not a loop on the T, a slight tilt forward, not too much. So much to learn for such a little kid, I couldn't do it well enough, I was shown other kids writing that was perfect, but I still couldn't do it well enough.

So what I learned today, when someone was thrashing around upset about something, their own issue, I was triggered, I had to stop what I was doing to pick up on my body sensations, trembling, shaking, changed breathing, fear, when I realized I was reacting to someone else's stuff I started writing. After a short while I was in the classroom, unable to write my letters, so this is where I found where a core belief may have orginated, I haven't developed it any further, but I found it!

I wrote: "I am sad that I made myself into a nobody, so that I fit in this family. I don't know how to do the letters properly and I am scared, the teacher is angry at me, the floor is dark brown oak. I can't do it right, I will never be able to get it right."

I put my paper on the teacher's desk, scared that she'd make me do it again, but she didn't see it, so I thought I'd got away with something I shouldn't have, therefore I was going to 'get it' the next day. I still carry that thought/feeling with me, that I'm guilty and I'm going to get it whatever it may be doesn't have anything to do with anything, it's that terrifying feeling that follows me around, fear, guilt, scared.

I saw that my paper wasn't the worst one, but I knew it was me that was wrong, she meant I was not good enough to teach and I took it to heart as if it were a fact. Then it went to the colour of the school uniform maybe something else, I left myself a note to get back to it another time. There is so much here for me and it amazes me how much stuff there is to plod through and all at the same time, I'm looking for repeating patterns that I can clear.

So little to be making major lifetime decisions, to a certain extent I can see that the teacher may not have meant what I heard, but that thinking and understanding doesn't seem to be very available right now, it is what I shall work on for a while, just need to jiggle some neurons into their rightful places I think, thank goodnes that I learned to slow down enough to be aware.

Heather :thumbs-up

 

[patrick]

I don't know what to say. These look to me to be some amazing insights. And to be able to integrate those insights into your life that way. Please keep letting us know about your progress. I found some things in your post very useful to think about in my recovery.

Pat

 

[heather q]

Recognizing My Triggers And Wishful Thinking

A friend sent me an email, he was not happy that I'd set up some boundaries, what he wrote wasn't kind and I came up with a flood of unpleasant feelings from my Father and Mother.

I wrote down everything that came up, I had physical pain, helpless, sad, and felt to be five years old, I wanted to cry but I wasn't allowed to cry because dad would get angry at me so I have to smile to fit in to be what he wants me to be, dissociation. The words that were yelled at me were horrible and I can understand why I dissociated, I froze.

I took all the information in and believed it and to this day have known all these 'truths' about me, none were true obviously because I was only five, today as an adult, I know it wasn't true but it was forced on me that I wasn't wanted, I wasn't invited, I should go and make sure I never come back, that if he'd had his way he'd have got rid of me, that I'm disruptive and a nuisance amd I make his life hell and he was sick of me. I was gone, completely gone emotionally, totally not there anymore, at five years old.

I felt shattered into non existence. Was this at me or was this mum & dad yelling at each other, it felt like it was directed at me, whatever was intended I don't know but I took it on as though it was about me. Part of me thinks it was about me that I was unwanted, not worth keeping, I didn't belong, I was female, and I'd made a mistake being born, there it is, it was my fault.

Another part of me knows it wasn't my fault, I'm not really convinced of that, I'm still stuck as though I was the cause of the problem.

Whatever it was, I took it on as a truth aout me, now I'm processing this I'm deciding whether I want to believe that about me, I don't think it was about me, no five year old can be the cause of all that parental grief and anger. I'm writing that but I'm not quite believing it, I'd like to believe that I wasn't such a disappointment to them.

No matter what they did I can decide I wasn't the problem, that it wasn't about me, I can decide, I was just there, I got the flack from the shells, it wasn't aimed at me, it landed on me but it's not about me. I can decide that it wasn't intentionally aimed at me I have decided that it wasn't intentionally about me, they said stuff that wasn't right, that they didn't mean.

I got very hurt, I still feel the hurt and I feel like I've been beaten to a pulp, weak and demoralyzed, my whole body is exhausted from the pain. I'm sorry that I took it on when I know now that they probably really didn't mean it.

I wish I could have done it differently, I wish they could have been different, I wish they could have shown love and affection and all the nice things that I didn't know about back then, I'm not sure that I know what it is now and don't know if I'm capable of it, I like the idear of it though.

:wall:

I think I need to go for a drive and see some nature, it sounds like it's raining, that's refreshing and it feels good to me.

Heather

 

[heather q]

Thanks for the 'memory'

Goingonhope,

Thanks for quoting this for me, the last three days have been rough, I took a drive to get away from myself and because you had quoted me, I was able to regain the 'safe feeling' just as as I found it on the previous drive, I think that if I hadn't written it down and you hadn't fed it back it might have been lost for good, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. I had forgotten the impact it had on me the first day so today, when I was able to remember I started coming back to my normal-better-self.

Heather :smile:

 

[heather q]

Trigger Processing

I am experimenting with triggers still, rather finding what triggers my flashbacks, I started off by writing them but there were so many that it took too much effort, so today I used a tape recorder, it's pretty effective because when I record what's going on I can then listen to it or let it go for the time and get back to it later, I can download it to the lap-top for future reference or scrutiny, it also helps just saying it out loud and listening to myself because I catch myself quicker and I don't stay there for so long, and I don't have to think about it so much because I don't have to remember it, so it's a very effective method for me.

Heather

 

[dondi]

New to the group

I need to learn how to deal with the rage! I talk about killing the men who assaulted me but I couldnt kill a bug! What I don't understand is how in this day and age, these men get away with this? How.. (there just getting away with it for now) When I think about trying to get out why are they not being charged with kidnapping... blocking an exit is kidnapping! Why is Dgn not being charged someone came back to my house and stopped him from killing me. I was in the bathroom and he was pulling on the white rope I could not breath... wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

When I think about it I space out my eyes burn and I becommeill... i don't understand...

I get flipped out... but I must remember that it is not happening now... but what if these men get to another woman if they haven't already....

it makes no sennnnssssssssssssssssssss..e

I can not live in the problem of what happened 2 yrs ago I must snap out of it... Now... and be the best person I can be. I just wish someone would go up to dgna and smack his fac e so hard.. I bit him twice on his hand and on his arm.... funny cause my teeth disappearedd I had to get new ones and when theyyc ame back I ws working for Rossini.. how can these people live with themselves how/...

I want to use my life experience to help others but how can I if the police don't do there job.. this is no joke Danny and his pals belong in Jail

 

[heather q]

Learning Curve

For a few days the flash-backs had decreased, yesterday was different, there seemed to be a main theme so it seems as if I've worked off some simple irritating stuff and now I'm going into a deeper level, I'm not sure where it's going and it doesn't feel good, but I think it's in the right direction.

It's interesting because when I allow the flash-backs without getting scared and I stand and wait and let it come through without feeling the fear of the flash-back itself, just letting the fear pass by, then I seem to be at the crux of the matter, but it still it isn't available to me.

I cry and let it go, then it happens again and again, so it seems that my mind is tempering itself, protecting me once again, this self protection is all new to me and it feels really good, it's allowing me to set boundaries, which is also self protecting and I'm beginning to sense that I do have a right to live. So things are looking up, it is worth allowing myself to feel, in small doses.

There is a shift in my thought of feeling, I thought I felt my feelings, I'm now understanding that there is something more to feeling and there is a greater depth to feeling that I have been unaware of until now.

Re-reading my posts reinforces this learning curve as does receiving feeback for which I'm truly grateful, I've been living in a vaccum with my own thoughts, it is good to let it go. Knowing that other's read what I write is connecting me to the world and that is good.

Heather

 

[fin]

It makes such a difference knowing there is a connection for me also heather.

I find when it comes to a point (not always but sometimes) when I am finding my personal comfort zone being invaded, I have like a barrier slamming down hard and fast, I find more and more that I am trying to take time out and step back when that happens, and to me it is the hardest thing in the world, because no one seems to understand that boundary. Unless I get blunt and when that happens, I then find I have to keep trying to pacify someone else, or give in. And giving in happens too much. We have to try to realise that we are important and that we cannot keep giving in.

I know what you mean about letting the flashbacks do their thing, I have to go past one of my abusers house everytime I go to a particular centre for assesstment. And at one point we parked up next to it virtually, to collect someone else....I had to hold onto everything I had, and desperatly tried to stay in the moment and be there with it. The urge, or whatever it was to shut down was intense and I think to some exrtent I still did shut down a bit.

I think you are right about this stuff going deeper, and I also think we really have to recognise that at these times we need to be kinder to ourselves and step back or rest more. and when I mean rest I mean slow our learning curve down some...I am not sure if that is right what I have written, but I do know that for me, I have to realise that I can step back, it is more important for me to survive at each point of learning at the moment. I think it also gives what I have learnt a chance to "settle" in to me some.

I just know we need to know it is ok to live also. That we have these rights, and that because We are like this, doesnt mean our rights are less than anyone else's. and it is trying to find a balance also between too far and too close.
It is one of the hardest things in the world to do, I have tried with so much this week and to just keep believeing, when it gets too much again is the hardest thing, especially when I start reliving stuff, I hate that I have less control on that than I thought I did.

I really relate to your connecting heather, am tired and want to say I am connecting to your connecting hah!! sorry I wasnt meaning to be so funny, or not even.

But I really am so encouraged by your posts here Heather, I am finding it really interesting how you describe and deal with the things that are coming up for you. thankyou

~fin