Long Term and Varied PTSD Issues

[heather q]

Fin, thanks for your response, the way I look at it is not long ago I didn't realize that I didn't have to answer the front door when someone knocked, I always went to the door and listened to them, told them no and respectfully let them go.

Then I suddenly discovered this is my house, I don't have to open the door, so once I got that down, (to start with I felt guilty), but now, I look through the peep hole, see who it is and I don't have to answer it, wow, I wish I'd known that before.

So I transfered that little boundary setting program to the rest of my life, so this is how I'm doing things for me, setting the boundaries, especially with people I care about because they deserve to be treated with respect as much as I do, it sounds backwards to me and you will probably relate to that. It goes against our original upbringing.

It's a great feeling to take care of one's self, I'm just learning. You said some really nice stuff and I'd like to respond to that but for now I need to sleep, thanks for you're input, I shall get back to you, it's 10:30 pm here so it's in the moring in London, so while I'm sleeping I wish you a comforting day, and be kind to you, you deserve the best, :Hug_emoticon:
Heather

 

[nightowll]

I was abused between the age of 4- 17, it has affected me all my life. I am now 43 and desperate.

 

[heather q]

--am so encouraged by your posts here Heather, I am finding it really interesting how you describe and deal with the things that are coming up for you.--~fin

Hi Fin,

I'm intentionally staying fairly low on the emotional ramp, thanks for reading and commenting, I believe I have to take it lightly for a while. Still can't talk about what is going on so I'm just trying to keep/make a solid foundation and take care of myself, it's mostly a state of emotional control, not allowing myself to go where it's not safe and staying out of the heavy duty stuff.

I got my haircut yesterday, that in itself was an effort, some people enjoy the attention I don't, but seeing that I'm trying not to avoid things I went ahead and managed to get it done, all the while knowing that I could drive there and leave if I had to, I have an idea of what's behind this but I choose not to go into it right now.

Heather

 

[Tinyflame]

That's great heather, sounds like terrific trigger management at the very least. Sometimes what might appear "small" to someone on the outside is quite a huge thing.
Much more of the same "good progress" to come. :occasion:

 

[sara]

Hello Nightowl. I am one too...I am new to the forum. One type of my abuse began at four ended at six, then changed up into several different forms until 18. I have felt invisible for a big part of my life. Anger is especially difficult for me. I am finding that eating better and excercising is helping somewhat but it is slow going sometimes. I am feeling somewhat safe in this forum already.

 

[sky dancer]

Fin, thanks for your response, the way I look at it is not long ago I didn't realize that I didn't have to answer the front door when someone knocked, I always went to the door and listened to them, told them no and respectfully let them go.

That's a good story about establishing boundaries. I do that with the phone too. I used to think if the phone rang I had to answer it.

Sometimes, now I don't answer it, or I wait to see who is calling before I pick up.


Small things, like this, are progress.

 

[heather q]

--establishing boundaries--Small things, like this, are progress.

Right

Yes, they are progress indeed, but I don't consider them small because of the difference they make, to me they are actually huge!

And the rewards are immediate.

And it's relatively easy, given the permission to start with.

I never answer my house phone, that is just for calling out, it works for me,
Heather

 

[heather q]

What would help me reinforce my boundaries would be if other's had more respect, I know I can't control or expect it, I'm just saying that it has helped me give up on me and has contributed to my helplessness with all these relatively minor things happening, I say minor because they are not personally against my body:

One year I planted tomato plants they were growing well, I came home from work and they were trampled down, including the supports.

Another time I brought a pick-up load of wood, I came home from work and there was just one piece left.

Someone threw a rock through the front room window, hit and dented the wall 12' across the room.

Another time someone shot out the same window.

A separate time, recently, my favourite dog a soft coated wheaton terrier was stolen, I know who it was, but couldn't prove it, neighbours friends.

My Airstream was stolen.

Someone shot out the storm-door on the front door.

I've been burglarized several times.

This is just this house, not necessarily about me at all, the house is just in a convenient place on a main drag, all this has taken a toll on me and I realize now that it was traumatizing as well, I discovered recently that I was 'geared up' in a sort of preventive maintenance thinking mode to expect something like this everytime I came home to deal with the stress of 'what's next.'

When I realized this was what I was doing, which I discovered accidentally by recording my thoughts, I made a point of not doing it anymore, I must have thought it was protecting me, when I discovered it wasn't protecting me. I quit doing it, that was just two weeks ago.

Now I feel better about coming home, I always dreaded coming home but didn't know why, I have been avoiding home for years, hence adding to the feeling of not belonging in my own life.

Heather

 

[Tinyflame]

.. all this has taken a toll on me and I realize now that it was traumatizing as well, I discovered recently that I was 'geared up' in a sort of preventive maintenance thinking mode to expect something like this everytime I came home to deal with the stress of 'what's next.'

When I realized this was what I was doing, which I discovered accidentally by recording my thoughts, I made a point of not doing it anymore, I must have thought it was protecting me, when I discovered it wasn't protecting me. I quit doing it, that was just two weeks ago.

Now I feel better about coming home, I always dreaded coming home ...I have been avoiding home for years, hence adding to the feeling of not belonging in my own life.

Heather

Oh Heather, that is terrible to go through. No wonder you have felt the way you did, who wouldn't?

Thank you so much; your explanation has given me some understanding I have never had and has been heightened in last 3 years. "Adding to the feeling of not belonging in my own life"- So true.

Thank you,
Meg

 

[heather q]

Oh Heather, that is terrible to go through. No wonder you have felt the way you did, who wouldn't?

Thank you so much; your explanation has given me some understanding I have never had and has been heightened in last 3 years. "Adding to the feeling of not belonging in my own life"- So true.

Thank you,
Meg

Meg,
This is very interesting, I'm having a difficult time with this, it's a bit more than I'm willing to see, and not that simple I'm sure, here is my dilemma, these things were very traumatic for me at the time, I remember feeling overwhelmed and shocked and all that, but I think I've stashed it away in a little plastic bag as unimportant, not relative, don't over-react, it's just things, I can feel my emotions just below the surface and I miss my little dog, I think I got into a pattern of denial and was still there, until you wrote, then I had to look into it to see what I'd missed.

We hide stuff from ourselves and don't even know it, thank you again for listening to me, it is the one important thing in my life at this time, to be heard :kiss: the main thing I remember as a kid is to be sent away because I wasn't important, I wasn't supposed to be there, the dismissed thing.

This is good, maybe it will help unlock some of the misery. Who da thought it? :smile: I am so happy to uncover more gloom and terror, progress!!!
Heather

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Heather,

Yes, I have done the same - a life-long pattern of burying and minimizing what affects/ hurts us I think. And then it feels so comfortable because it is familiar. Until one day our minds/ hearts/ bodies get really fed up and won't let us keep doing that.

Yes, I know that feeling of invisibilty and voicelessness.
At least uncovering this "doom and gloom" we can put it away eventually, in a more appropriate light- acknowledging the impact it had but not being "controlled" by it as much.

You are VERY heard. :Hug_emoticon: Thank YOU. :smile:

 

[heather q]

- a life-long pattern of burying and minimizing

Yes, I know that feeling of invisibilty and voicelessness.

You are VERY heard. :Hug_emoticon: Thank YOU. :smile:

I like that, very much, thanks Meg, good one again, :occasion: I shall step into the "doom and gloom" portion at a later date, maybe go through each one separately, what a chore, I've got bigger fish to fry. well they certainly appear to be bigger, we shall see.

What happens when you stand up for yourself? I feel alien, wrong...guilty, as if I'm cutting someone else down or off. A New Thread Moment whould you say?

Heather