Long Term and Varied PTSD Issues

[heather q]

Narsisistic Relationships

It seems we are our own worst enemy, I asked my T about the relationship issue and said I wanted to talk about boundaries, I'd like to get to the bottom of this relationship problem, I used to have a guy I liked a lot, S, years ago we went out occasionally, I liked him more than he liked me, he found a house for sale next door to him, I wasn't looking to live next door, I thought that would be a big mistake. I thought he just wanted to control me. For years he kept showing up and making a stand, as if he was a boyfriend, and would break up the relationship I had and then disappear again.

One boyfriend B that I would have liked to have kept figured S already had dibs on me. This sounds really stupid but it is true. I argued that I didn't have anything going with S, but B left anyway. S get's pissed off because I don't call him, I've known him for 30 years and only called him during the first year, just this last summer, he showed up, always uninvited, he had decided that this was it, we were an item, I said no we're not. He got really pissed off (angry) and wasn't the sweet guy he'd made himself out to be. He yelled and insulted me, I walked him to the door and showed him out, I was calm at the time I believe I asked him not to come back again, I shook for a long time after that. He had hung around for years and years, not available to me but kept showing up and claiming me.

So this thing with D, ten years ago, I got hurt, I thought I had something going with him, he'd suggested that I could show up where he hangs out, I finally decided to go find the place, couldn't find it so I gave up, two days later he announced he'd got married. I was somewhat stunned, and felt very foolish, I never did tell him I'd gone to see him. So he's single again, I know what he's like, I see how he functions, I like him but he's back and forth, seems to claim me and then acts as if I don't exist. I have told him I'm we don't have anything going, then he's all over me, if I respond as though I like him he rejects me. I got an email Saturday asking me if I had any plans or ideas for fun, I ignored the question but sent a picture, next day I got a "well I guess you're no interested," I responded with "I didn't realize that was an invitation," next it was "it wasn't an invitation."

I just don't know what to think of this, the three main men in my life have been practically identical, not available until I say ok, then they're off, when I realize that then I back out, then they want back in, apparently there is some normal push and pull in relationships that I hadn't realized, I don't know what I think any more, right now, I've avoided relationships for so long that it hardly seems worth the trouble thinking about it.

I do remember my T saying that there is a great similiarity between my mother and my ex, narsisistic, and the other guys are also very similar. I feel like I'm in a time warp of not understanding my role in this. As much as I try to be honest and communicate things get twisted and out of wack. Normally I work out some answers to my questions as I write, this time it is not happening, it feels like I've hit a wall on this.

Heather

 

[hapa_gurl87]

Im the same way sound can be a killer and anything loud that grates the ear. I feel you on that I stopped going to work because of my fear of people talking to me and me dissasociating or loosing the normal connection that would come with not having ptsd. I've been dealing with being retraumatized and because of that I've lost trust in my therapist. I hope to find a therapist that actually works. My story is complicated and I often worry that I won't get better. But only time can tell. It sounds like your on your path to recovery and i admire you confronting places that were triggering and painful to go back to. In my discovery it can help or do harm. I went back to my highschool were i was tormented and sexually assaulted to find i could scream at the place to make me feel better. I went a second time to get closure only to be retraumatized. Now i wonder what a third time will do. Maybe a third is worth the charm.

 

[heather q]

---not allowing yourself to move on from a break-up. Like you still owe them something maybe. Is it that we define ourselves by the relationship and our performance in it, or is it Catholic guilt/altruism?

Dave, I think this catholic thing has always been a problem for me and I'd like to keep talking about it, it's as if there is a non-verbal trap, some of us 'have to abide by it' other's such as my ex R are fortunate that they aren't even aware of it and can moved on, just like the new day shows up. That's not qute true, but there is a big difference between being able to leave a bad situation and moving on, and leaving it and staying stuck with guilt, R never, ever had any guilt, so that's not exactly one to compare.

I'm not sure where I stand in this situation, except that I am standing up for myself better than I ever have, so there doesn't seem to be much of that left over stuff, not sure really, I'll have to give it time.

Time for sleep again,
Heather

 

[heather q]

---I've been dealing with being retraumatized and because of that I've lost trust in my therapist.---I often worry that I won't get better. But only time can tell. It sounds like your on your path to recovery and i admire you confronting places that were triggering and painful to go back to---Now i wonder what a third time will do. Maybe a third is worth the charm.

Hapa_gurl,

The retraumatizing sucks, my T doesn't allow it, my old t ignored it and I got worse, I thought it was part of the therapy, my new T says NO, it's not advisable to go through it again, once I knew that and understood it I have been able to guard myself against being retraumatized.

A good therapist makes all the difference, I think you will get better, I think writing here and getting feedback and allowing yourself the time and space to grieve is the way to go. I suggest you don't go back to your triggering reunion, some things need more time, I have two that I want to physically revisit but I am holding off for now, in an effort to keep myself safe, there is no need to push it, there is plenty to work with if we listen to ourselves.

I think I wanted to hurry up and get it over with, but I set myself up to deal with too much at a time, now I'm easier on myself and I'm able to enjoy some aspects of life, so things have got better and somehow I'm able to let things stay on the back burner until I decide I want to work with it. It gives me a sense of control within myself and that is good, it also helps prevent me from being controlled by anyone else, so take care of yourself the best way that you know, it will pay off.

Heather

 

[heather q]

I just spent a whole lot of effort writing and it all went away when I previewed the post. This has happened several times now. One of the reasons I quit writing here. I don't know if it times out, did I take too long writing? I wish there was a warning before it dumps me. It said I wasn't logged in but I was because I couldn't have got here if I wasn't logged in, I never lost the internet connection either, so what do I have to do, it only happens on this thread, but this is the only one that I write for a long time.

Heather

 

[girlblueye]

Heather,
You can try and speak to anthony about the problems you are having.I am sure he will be able to suggest something.Good Luck

 

[tigress2420]

Hello heather n welcome to forum! Thank you for writing abt goin to the site u were raped. I am toying with that very issue myself. Have been contemplating going back to where I was raped the 2nd time but not quite sure I'm strong enough, but I know that I need to do it in order to regain control of my pitiful excuse for a life. I've had so many bad things happen to me in my lifetime that I wonder if there is really hope for me to heal. Maybe going back there would be a good step....thanks again n hope u find this forum to be as much of a help as I have!

 

[BethRSA]

Hi Tigress,

I was also raped--by the side of the road by a gang. When I was in my "what is step 1, step 2, step 3, etc." idea of healing, I purposely went back to the place. Although I had driven by it many times (it's on the main highway into the city), I was scared to stop and confront it.

I'm glad that I went back. Two of my friends who knew what happened went with me. I don't know what I was expecting--to have it make more sense, to see something from that day, or what. Anyway, after going back, it became just what it always was--a field. It lost its grip on me because it is just a place.

Please don't set yourself up for a "miracle cure" though. Didn't happen for me. I followed all my made up steps--go to the place, "forgive" the attackers, etc. It's still hard work dealing with all of it.

:Hug_emoticon: We're here for you. Beth

 

[heather q]

Tigress,

Thanks for acknowleging part of my story, I appreciate that very much, it helps to allow me to admit that it was real and that it is in the past, sometimes it feels as though it's more recent. I need to go back again and walk on the property and know for real that it is over. It doesn't feel over because of the flashbacks.

Right now I'm not ready to go back again, just thinking of it seems like too much. I'm going to start body therapy hoping to relieve some of the pain that I'm dealing with, hopefully if I can release some of the physical pain it will allow me to deal with the stuff in my mind.

Some of the stuff that happens to us seems just so unfair, how come other's don't have to go through this and we do. I don't know how or what to think of it, some have easier lives, and some more difficult I realize that. And yet I am so fortunate, relatively screwed together, have a job, a home, a car, but I just don't enjoy living, some people enjoy living and like their families and themselves.

Just how did I get into this state, perhaps that doesn't matter so much as how do I get out of this state, I'm working on it, a small piece at a time. The worst thing for me seems to be being criticized, it blows me away and I feel like folding. Rape to me is the biggest criticizim, it's downright demoralizing, I step forward a little then time goes by and then it's almost as if I haven't gained anything.

I took a drive to another site, having forgotten that 'it' happend, just as soon as I saw the shape of the hills it was back in my mind. It doesn't take much to get hooked into it. Right now I'm listening to loud music to distract me, it's working fairly well. It wasn't long ago that I couldn't listen to music, it made me feel very unsafe.

Thanks again,
Heather

 

[Tinyflame]

:Hug_emoticon:, Heather.
-Am reading, too.

Love Meg

 

[cragger65]

It's a tough go for sure, Heather, but I think you're on the right track. There is such a powerful tie between our mental state and our physical chemistry. One effects, and either disrupts/supports the other. Intervention on our physical state is much more straight forward, and can really have a positive impact on our mental state.

After years of struggling with this "Almighty Mess" in my head only, I'm realizing there are other alternatives that work better. Mindfullness, excercise, diet and nutrition are paying healthy dividends for me now, and it is such a blessing. Add back in some self-respect, and hell, I'll almost be normal!! ;P

Here's hoping you find the combination that works well for you.

Dave