Relationship Is It Ptsd Or Does He Really Not See A Future?

[jems]

@jems first of all we all care about each other on this site. We can only give you adv...

I hear you, I do. I feel like the less I text, the more he pulls away though. He responds to my picture texts very kindly. It truly feels like he wants reassurance that I am there, but keeping emotional distance at the same time. He never asked me to go away or leave him alone. A "good night" text is emotional to him, probably... so he doesn't respond to those. Surface texts e.g., when I told I would be volunteering for the VA, are ok, and he actually had a short conversation with me about it last week. I know he doesn't want me to disappear, but I think he wants me to put my emotions aside. I'm trying to.

 

[Silver.]

I'm really upset because I am 100% sure I'm not going due to him needing space, and can't help to wonder who he's going with, or if he's going at all. The fact that he is still making VERY simple contact and responding to my texts about every 2 days tells me he isn't doing well with his PTSD symptoms

I feel like everyone here has told you that repeatedly that you are not respecting his boundaries, or his space. You are admitting he needs space, you are admitting he isn't doing well, and you continue to message him. With what sounds to me like false texts, bait texts. "send something cheery even if I don't feel it, to get him to respond" or send a picture. You are making assumptions about how he feels. "I feel he wants reassurance" a "goodnight text is too emotional, probably".
You clearly have no respect for what he is asking of you, and you don't want to listen to what everyone, sufferers and supporters alike are telling you, so are you waiting for someone to tell your behaviour is acceptable? I am not sure what you are seeking here anymore.

 

[jems]

I feel like everyone here has told you that repeatedly that you are not respecting his boundaries, or h...

Well, then why doesn't he just tell me to stop texting him Silver? Wouldn't you? Even after a HUGE texting fight last week, he never once asked for me to leave him alone. The fight ended with that "we're still friends"... He's had PLENTY of opportunity to ask me to stop contacting him. He only asked me not to fight with him (in different words). So I quit fighting with him.

 

[JM318]

Well, then why doesn't he just tell me to stop texting him Silver? Wouldn't you? Even after a HUGE texting...

Because he cares but he wants you to essentially leave him alone for right now. You can listen to us or not, but clearly you feel like shit today because you keep making the same mistake.

 

[JM318]

Because he cares but he wants you to essentially leave him alone for right now. You can listen to us or n...

Not to mention, and I say this kindly because I really don't mind when people add their stories and struggles to my thread, but you've pretty much hijacked my whole thread

We all feel for you and have the same struggles and emotions, but learn to control them and do what's best for both of you. Like @Silver said, don't make assumptions, he clearly (none of our men) want to hurt us. Focus on yourself and your own well being so you can be strong for the both of you.

 

[JM318]

Check these out. I think they apply for you!

@joeylittle just letting you know, just this one post you wrote, has helped me tremendously. It always sticks out in my mind, and I actually have it saved in my phone so I can refer back to it. Thank you.

 

[JM318]

@joeylittle (This is what I was referring to, sorry)

joeylittle said: ↑
I'm a sufferer and can only speak from that perspective. When I'm triaging my stress/life/etc - I tend to leave the people I trust the most to be patient with me as they become the last things for me to deal with. And it's so backwards, because the things I care about most should go first. But I am pretty confident they won't blow up in my face, so I let them wait and hope I can get to them soon.

Not an excuse - just, perspective.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry I haven't read all of these, just meant to say along with symptom of a foreshortened future, possibly inability to marry, envision having a family etc, not feeling being able to conceptualize it in the mind's eye, someone said somewhere about requiring a higher level of self care. I would add "to be functional". It's like a greatly reduced ability to manage stress, (apart from the impact of the traumas also, they are direct- triggers, etc).

 

[Endure]

@jems, I think you should go no contact. Believe me I know how hard that is, but his not responding is his way of saying he doesn't want to, or literally can't because it adds to his stress. Pushing only makes things worse.

 

[joeylittle]

When a man says "no contact" it typically means A. I'm done. or B. I need to figure this out and I'll contact you if I decide I want you. This is where it's hard with these men because it could be PTSD and his struggles with relationships, or he could be acting like a normal guy who realizes you're not the one and doesn't want to talk about the relationship anymore.

I just wanted to underscore this - and it's not just men (I know men are the subject in the thread) - I always wish supporters would try and imagine what kind of context in which they would say, 'I need space, don't contact me'. Just forget about the PTSD for a second - and look at the relationship first; then factor in the illness, if it's relevant.

It's like Eve said:

It is the supporter who is assuming that it's an isolation period and they are the ones who indeed want to wait.

Supporters need to be very honest with themselves - who was it who suggested the separation was temporary, for example, is an important question. Were you (the general you, not anyone specific) bargaining for it to be a temporary thing, and is it possible they said yes only because of the pressure you were exerting? Avoiding conflict is one kind of PTSD response - and it's also something that people do, if they aren't confrontational by nature. So, as a sufferer - if you end up bargaining in order to relieve the tension...are you really having a conversation? Only you can know - but you need to examine your own behavior, not only examine theirs.

I have not seen my vet for 3 weeks as of this past Monday. He is "overwhelmed" with life. Too much pressure, and he very politely asked me to let him "focus" and I went off the deep end initially, backed down, went off the deep end again, and backed down. I'm really surprised he's even put up with my sh*t at all. I even told him I was gonna start dating someone else, and he told me I deserved to happy, and that just infuriated me more. He even threatened to change his phone number during a heated fight that I started by digging for too many answers, but he still kept in contact.

That was really manipulative, and you know, sometimes things just aren't fixable. You should think about that.

If he completely stopped talking, I know I would have no choice but to walk away (but that would happen with many sleepless, crying days/nights, anxiety attacks and melt downs... I'm certainly no superwoman).

If you know that, do you think there's a good chance that he knows that? And how much of the melting down would go in his direction?

1 -7 days of not talking is reasonable for isolation, not weeks and months! Agree?

No. Disagree strongly. When I needed space in my relationship - and we'd been together 10 years - I needed space. It took me a few weeks just to accept that he wasn't still part of the overall pressure I was dealing with. Just like you are expressing you can't turn it off and on, neither can most people. There's a decompression period before you even feel the effect of the isolation. At least for me, the initial effect is relief. And after I get that relief, I can start sorting my life back out again. So, that's another couple of weeks, sometimes. Having daily contact doesn't remove any kind of stress at all - oddly, it increases it, I believe.

I'm just saying just to use the reference "friends" to take pressure off of both of you. It's kind of like buying time, with a lot less pain involved

It's kind of like bargaining again, and if it's not honest, then it's manipulative.

To this day, I never use the word "relationship" with my vet. I know the word itself stresses him out. He's always asked me to just let things happen, and I did. It only made us much closer and trust me.

You are doing so much mind-reading, it's kind of boggling to me. Do you know the word stresses him out? Or does the context of being in a relationship with you stress him? Are you really just letting things happen? Or are you constantly trying to construct things between the two of you? Does it really make you closer, or do you get the illusion of being closer? There's an awful lot in here to really talk about. I'm not trying to be cruel - I really believe you need to see your own behavior, here.

The best way that I've helped bring him "back" is to stay cheery and bubbly.

No one understands PTSD, and would think I'm crazy to put up with this. But there is no question in my mind that he loves me, yet I have this gnawing feeling that he will leave me to protect me from pain. I once asked him about 2 weeks ago, why we don't text/talk anymore... and he said "I don't wanna hurt you more than I already have" and when I said "I'll be fine" he said "I already hurt you"... but nothing hurts more than THIS. It's HELL! We have continued to text over the last few weeks, but he responds with one little line after I have already sent 10/12 texts, and it's usually a day later.

@JM318 has told you the most important thing, here: Please, take it to heart.

Everyone's situation is different and unique but from what I read, sending 10/12 texts is not space. If you don't want to push him away, leave him alone, you are making things worse for the both of you. Being cherry and bubbly or sending pictures of nature doesn't help. In your mind you think so, but they don't see it that way. You can't help him, he has to help himself.

I only disagree with - just keeping things light can be a good and helpful thing. But, @jems - when you say it's the only way you can bring him 'back' - that strikes me, again, as a strange way of manipulating someone's behavior, and also, it's probably not effective. Look at it this way: if he is backing away because your level of emotional investment is too intense, and not what he feels towards you - but, he is afraid to ask you to leave completely because he knows you will totally lose your shit - you've essentially got him hooked into a dysfunctional cycle, where he'll come closer when you are low-key, and feel stress when you are fully engaged. As you wrote, here:

I feel like the less I text, the more he pulls away though. He responds to my picture texts very kindly. It truly feels like he wants reassurance that I am there, but keeping emotional distance at the same time...I know he doesn't want me to disappear, but I think he wants me to put my emotions aside. I'm trying to.

you need to just ask him. You can't mind-read this.

How is he going to possibly reduce stress levels when his career is using all of his energy?

By not being in a relationship. And that might need to be his choice, here.

Well, then why doesn't he just tell me to stop texting him Silver? Wouldn't you?

To be honest, and blunt: I would not tell you to stop texting, if I were in his shoes - because I would not want to deal with the fallout. So, I would keep my head down, and try and cope as best I could. I would not know how to leave, because I would be too intimidated by your extreme emotionality.

I am not him. I'm not a combat vet, I'm not a guy, I'm probably not in his age group (I don't remember what your and his ages are).

This is my personality type/who I am: I am non-confrontational by nature, I have very low self esteem, I've lived most of my life believing that I was lucky if anyone was willing to spend time with me, in any capacity. Additionally, my mental health issues make me overload faster than I'd ideally like - and, like many, I've learned that the fastest way to actually cope with those issues is to get myself some isolation if I can. And this might be why I can't be in a relationship, ever; I don't know for sure.

If you can recognize any of my traits in your vet, @jems, then I'd encourage you to consider that you might be putting a high level of pressure on him.

And regardless, I would strongly encourage you to ask him questions, and be willing to hear the answers. Don't try and mind-read it. Since you've grown up around people with PTSD, this is probably a coping behavior that you've had for a very long time. But, it's not going to help you in the long run. It would be a really great thing to work on, in your own therapy.

 

[JM318]

Supporters need to be very honest with themselves - who was it who suggested the separation was temporary, for example, is an important question. Were you (the general you, not anyone specific) bargaining for it to be a temporary thing, and is it possible they said yes only because of the pressure you were exerting? Avoiding conflict is one kind of PTSD response - and it's also something that people do, if they aren't confrontational by nature. So, as a sufferer - if you end up bargaining in order to relieve the tension...are you really having a conversation? Only you can know - but you need to examine your own behavior, not only examine theirs.

@joeylittle thanks for your input. My veteran had a break down, which was really hard for all of us, my brother, his mother, him and I were all in tears. Our picture frame was smashed, I kind of broke up with him out of anger, his mom was to bring me home (we were drinking) and I ran back inside because I felt awful, and he laid on the floor in the dark curled up in a ball and he was crying out loud. I sat on his lap and hugged him and told him I loved him so much (I feel like crying thinking about it). I have never seen him like this ever. In a way, I am thankful it happened bc it pushed him to finally stop being stubborn and get the help he's needed for years.

2 days later he texted "I'm having a really difficult time figuring out where I am altogether. One thing that I think I need to do is make the initial jump into therapy alone. I'm nervous and anxious to see any type of progress because the constant anger and negativity in my head is f*****g killing me from the inside out. I know you care for me and see the better side of me- none of what you do goes unnoticed".

Then we had a talk a week later in person, and I let him do most of the talking as I listened. He said that me and his mother are constantly on his ass "How are you doing, how are things?" and said "Just leave me the F*** alone......(then paused)...for a little while" He said he was anxious to find any sort of progression and that he made his first therapy appt on 7/26. I told him I was respecting his space and he said "I know you are" I told him that I would like to put our relationship aside so he can solely focus on his road to recovery and he agreed. So we never broke up, its just on hold for now. He hugged me and I told him to hang on to hope, that he is capable of recovery, and that we are learning this all together. He told me "I love you for sticking around" and sounded completely defeated.

So did I do anything wrong? Who initiated what? And what can I do? After reading your response I posted above I just want to make sure I am thinking clearly, was I bargaining at all? I didn't think so, but I whole heartedly want him to get the help he needs and to put all his focus on that. I know when the time is right and he can apply what he's taken from therapy, we can come back and take a look at our relationship and what we need to do moving forward.

 

[joeylittle]

So did I do anything wrong? Who initiated what? And what can I do? After reading your response I posted above I just want to make sure I am thinking clearly, was I bargaining at all?

It doesn't read like it to me, from what you posted, above. It reads like you are responding to what he's asking.

And what can I do?

It's not been that long, in my opinion. I'd let him reach out next - of course, bear in mind, I'm a sufferer. But it sounds like he's clear about wanting to start a journey for himself, and honestly, if he's never been in therapy before - it's a lot at first.

What can you do for yourself, that will feel good for you and enrich your life, and that isn't about spending all your energy waiting for him? I believe that energy can pile up and become a problem, for anyone; if you are trying to push pause on your life...lives don't work that way. I'm not saying you need to start dating - but what do you do for you?