Me And My Husband Both Have Ptsd

[sarahx]

His failure to accept your PTSD is unacceptable and it's highly likely to create a myriad of mentally/emotionally abusive situations as well as be triggering for you, which can destroy your recovery process. I'd strongly recommend you get the advice of a very good therapist on this issue. It's one thing to have a coworker or random neighbor who doesn't believe you have PTSD, but for someone "close" to you to deny it is a pathway to dissolving the relationship.

 

[Gs172003]

Missy Meier, thankyou so much for the info on the book. I will look it up and see what I can learn abou...

You're welcome

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Sherry, have the two of you done any marriage counseling? And has your husband done therapy for his PTSD (please forgive me if you've answered that already - my adhd brain picks and chooses what it wants to retain)? I ask because in my mind, everything would depend on where he is at in his recovery.

I can say that PTSD is an injury caused by trauma, not a disease caused by trauma. If you break your leg and tell yourself it's fine, nothing to get excited about, that won't make it any less broken. Maybe he just needs time to accept it? Could true two of you have an agreement to avoid the other's triggers?

Not sure if there is anything helpful in there...

 

[Sherry]

Sherry, have the two of you done any marriage counseling? And has your husband done therapy for hi...

No we have not had any marriage counselling. Hubby sees a psychiatrist every couple of months, but has not undergone any other therapy for his PTSD. He is on medication however.

I do all I can to avoild his triggers, and I believe I am fairly patient with his moods, because I understand them I guess. But when I am triggered, tired, irritable, jumpy as hell, and just plain afraid, then I am less able to handle his down times. Thats when things get really difficult and very volatile.

 

[brae]

my parter has ptsd and i have bpd which presents ptsd-like a lot of the time and developed from trauma. we have had a few pretty tumultuous years and it is def not always easy but now we intentionally work really really hard together. i have been with other people with ptsd before and it was really toxic and re-traumatising. i have so much empathy for your situation , even tho i know mine is different. but truly i get it just can be so hard, especially when one parter triggers the other with their triggers(probably the main difficulty in my relationship), or doesnt understand the other persons trauma.
i feel like for both to feel good within the relationship there needs to be transparency and both dedicated to their own recovery and the recovery of the other person. my partner and i spend a lot of time talking about our triggers/symptoms, boundaries and needs, and the ways that boundaries and needs are in constant flux. we are constantly growing so it feels really important to hav flexible but strong boundaries where everybody feels like they are being seen and heard. we have done A LOT of codependence work (apart and together) and both are dedicated to going to therapy and making sure we take our meds etc. one of the most important things i feel like is acknowledging that accountability goes both ways. as u mentioned, in a double ptsd relationship its really easy to lash out on one another. it has helped my relationship so much to start learning how to engage in accountability processes where we do things like using "i statements" (basically non-violent communication) and have room to voice our feelings without judgement and reactivity from either of us. its really fckn hard and in no way am i saying we have all this down pat and have a smooth easy relationship where we always calmly negotiate things, def not the case. but we had to get to a point where we had to make the conscious decision together to work like this. when u truly love someone and are on a significant journey with them it pushes u to see yourself clearer and want to find wellness together.
im curious about that ptsd relationship book i might check it out. tbh really understanding what codependency means has really shifted things for me and my partner in our own ways, it leaves more room to consider the others perspectives.
i really hope that ur husband begins to open up about the diversity of ptsd symptoms. i wholeheartedly agree with those on this thread who are saying it is really important for him to understand ur ptsd and support/affirm ur experience instead of deny it. denying ur trauma is quite violent and i really hope you have some good support thru this. you deserve that support and recognition, especially from a partner

 

[Sherry]

my parter has ptsd and i have bpd which presents ptsd-like a lot of the time and developed from trauma. we...

Thankyou Brae so much for your very thoughtful and helpful post. I really appreciate all that you have said here, and I hope I can learn from your experiences. Certainly at the moment we have a very 'reactive' relationship I think. Your wording on that is spot on. I think we need to work hard to make it less so, and that would be a good start. Cant do everything at once, but if we can both try to be less reactive, then that would be some progress. I am not sure that he will ever really accept my trauma, and therefore I doubt that I will get any real support from him. So I guess its more about how I can stop being quite so 'reactive' when I am at my worst. When I am on top of things, I handle things much better. As you'd expect. But when I am not in good shape, then I just find myself over-reacting. I will try harder.

 

[brae]

Thankyou Brae so much for your very thoughtful and helpful post. I really appreciate all that you have...

oh im so glad u resonated with what i was offering, that really means a lot. ahh u said exactly that word is what i was missing before, REACTIVE. thats what it is. iv always been such a reactive person , i feel like my relationship has really held up mirrors and shown me that and given me a lot of opportunities to acknowledge my behaviours and start to shift them. when it comes down to it i think ur so on the right track hey, starting to understanding the reactivity and making small changes at a time is the only way to start to be on a more eye to eye level with our partners. dont be too hard on yourself<3 like i was saying, the accountability goes both ways. its not fair that u are doing such hard work to understand these dynamics and the role that u play in them, when in reality he plays the other role and i really hope that he starts to see that. thank you for sharing whats going on in ur world

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@brae spoke of non-violent communication, which is what my husband and I are working on. Instead of making judgements, you try to determine the feelings that the speaker is trying to convey, because the feelings are an expression of a need that isn't being met. Once you dig past the hurt and anger, fear and suspicion, unmet needs are all that's left, so meeting those needs is what drives every living thing.

https://www.cnvc.org/