Relationship I Trigger Flashbacks And He Makes Me Responsible. Help!

[Hojay]

Hi everyone,
unfortunately my boyfriend is in such a raw state, almost any word or comment on my part triggers intense panic attacks and flashbacks.

Six months ago I asked him to bring a VERY important piece of mail to me, he's since then put it off, forgotten, whathaveyou. Last night I pressed again and he replied glibly, prompting me to tell him I get the feeling he just doesn't seem to care about my needs. He went into total freak out, meltdown, panic mode, and has had intense flashbacks to his (childhood trauma) PTSD all night and into today.

In his rage he said, "you know what that does to me when you say things like that" (referring to me saying he doesn't care,) as well as "I just wanted to have one good night and now this again and I never do anything right and nothing will ever work." In other words, making me personally responsible for his reaction, i.e. if only hadn't opened my mouth, he'd be fine now. Any attempts on my part to make myself heard or rectify the situation is interpreted as "not giving him space" and "not letting him calm down." This can now go on for days. (And I know I can forget about receiving that piece of correspondence from him in the meantime, heightening my fears that he may have actually not been honest about handling that in the first place, ugh)

I'm now caught between supporting him in his intense flashback episode and being royally pissed off at having my needs disrespected while also being made responsible for his current condition.

He says he's sorry, and in calm weather he also knows the need to be able to listen to me and give space for my needs, but this cycle happens all the time and it's breaking our relationship. Any advice?

 

[scout86]

Is there another way to get the mail?

 

[Hojay]

I could contact his friend where the letter is supposedly located, but I fear that would be somewhat of a breach of trust to go behind his back + maybe put my boyfriend in the awkward position of having to explain to his friend why I got in touch, not him. I really don't want to get another person involved.

I also don't want to have to maneuver around this and basically give him a free pass on avoiding this responsibility. It's all so complicated and I'm at my wits end.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You deserve to be pissed off... You are not purposely triggering him. HE is triggered, he is NOT "being triggered" by anybody else. What's going on is his own reaction. It's his to own. He needs to stop laying blame.

I'd go over and get my mail if it is important. Just because he can't function doesn't mean he can stop you from being functional. His PTSD doesn't excuse that.

Be sympathetic, but you don't have to be guilty. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

[Casey_03]

I wonder if he really is triggered or if he's getting defensive because he knows he screwed up with the mail. Usually when someone gets defensive like that it's because they screwed up and are hiding something ...

 

[Hojay]

thank you @Sweetpea76 and @Casey_03 I also feel somewhat justified in being pissed off. I just have no outlet because he's in full flashback mode now and has been all day - just not the right time to bring up the mail. I agree that his defensiveness (which turns into anger, which turns into panic, which turns into flashbacks) may hint at the fact that he's hiding something. In this instance, if he's lying, it'd be a pretty big whopper.

I wish I could just go and get that letter, but we're long distance at the moment and I'm pretty far away.

I can say this here, and only here, because I feel insane thinking it, but I'm so afraid he's using his PTSD as a cover, his panic and flashbacks as a front for shady behavior. I'd be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind he's exaggerating his current condition to deflect from other things going on. I don't know what I can do at this point. I know it's all bad news. So down now.

 

[Neverthesame]

Can you go with him to pick up the letter?

So it actually gets done, without having to go behind his back.

If you're worried he might not react well to that. Make it an outing you do as a couple, like shopping or going out for lunch. Plan it so you will have to travel somewhere that puts you near the place the letter is stored.

Then just say "oh, hey since we're in the area. Let's go pick up that letter."

Could something like that work?

 

[Hojay]

That's a great idea @Neverthesame, unfortunately we are long distance at the moment and I have had to cancel my trip to travel to his city since he is "not doing well" and needs time to "calm down" so I wont be anywhere near that letter (which is supposedly at his best friends house in his city.) the only thing I could do is write that friends and ask him to send it to me, but it's fairly obvious he would tell my boyfriend and ask him why the fuss. It's too complicated...

I am a crazy mix of paranoid and worried and angry and done with it right now. I don't know how this can work, and I'm totally at the end of my wits. Right now he can't even talk to me because he needs to "make his head stop." I feel weirdly manipulated by this, but then I feel bad because it's a disease. I don't know anymore.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is he in treatment? Is he willing to work on healing?

 

[Gs172003]

I could contact his friend where the letter is supposedly located, but I fear that would be somewhat of a...

I would just go get it. If he gets mad he gets mad. He's had six months for heaven sake at some point you just have to step in and take it off his plate. But that's just me. Maybe I'm.a little impatient but important is important.

 

[Hojay]

He was in intense therapy for 4 months, including EMDR treatments, but had to take a break because he started a new job. He hasn't found a way to combine therapy and work at this point (1 month in.) He's been hesitant to ask for more flexible hours for fear or ruffling feathers so early on (plus, it's a breakneck job with a crazy workload and he doesn't know how to pull it off.) He is more than willing to work on healing but he's got himself in a real bind there, and the longer he's out, the worse it gets. I have urged him many times to go back ASAP, and he agrees, but he's not back yet, that's all I know. It's all so very frustrating.

 

[Hojay]

I would just go get it. If he gets mad he gets mad. He's had six months for heaven sake at some poi...

I totally agree!! And that's what I'd do if we lived in the same city, but we're long distance now and I can't get to it. Only thing I could do is ask his friend to send it to me, but getting him involved would open a whole can of worms (and I'd understand if my bf got upset I went behind his back like that. Especially now, while he's rock bottom losing his marbles.)