I'm In A Dark Place & Don't Know How To Get Out

[Smile]

My main condition is anxiety but depression is a really close friend so it pops up every so often.

Just recently had my meds upped which I think has helped my continuous panic attacks but past few days have been baaaad. Seriously thought about downing my full bottle of Xanax but upon googling, found that Xanax is extremely hard to die from.

So instead I cigarette burnt myself. Twice. Yesterday and today.

Just feel like I'm drowning. And not really sure u want to be saved.

Usually see T twice a week but our next session is in 2 weeks. A bit of anxiety from that.

There's def crap gong on but nothing to warrant this depth of anguish.

 

[Pixielicious]

Hang in there!
You can fight this....You can!
Please don't harm and punish yourself anymore, write,write, write! Just write and fight the urges to hurt yourself... My heart goes out to you... :hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Smile I can vouch for the xanax as a crappy way to OD. Didn't do shit when I tried it. What meds did you up??? Just curious.

 

[joeylittle]

Just recently had my meds upped which I think has helped my continuous panic attacks but past few days have been baaaad.

Can you get in touch with your psychiatrist (or prescriber) and see what they recommend? When there's a mood shift along with a med change, and there's no obvious cause, it's likely the meds. There might be something else that can help with the anxiety.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@joeylittle The upping of the meds was my first thought as to the mood change....

 

[Smile]

@Smile I can vouch for the xanax as a crappy way to OD. Didn't do shit when I tried...

Lexapro. From 20 mg to 40

 

[Smile]

Can you get in touch with your psychiatrist (or prescriber) and see what they recommend? When there...

Good point. Didn't think of that. Will try.

Actually, I won't. I don't trust my psychiatrist AT ALL. I research what's best for me and he just gives me prescriptions for whatever I want.

So that's not happening until HOPEFULLY I win disability in a month and can finally get insurance and switch doc's

 

[Smile]

Hang in there!
You can fight this....You can!
Please don't harm and punish yourself anymore, wri...

Thank you :)
I've been writing. And writing. It wasn't enough. Didn't go deep enough.

 

[Smile]

@Smile I can vouch for the xanax as a crappy way to OD. Didn't do shit when I tried...

What happened to u with it? Were u trying to kill urself?

 

[Pixielicious]

Thank you :)
I've been writing. And writing. It wasn't enough. Didn't go deep enough.

Neither will physically harming yourself ever go deep enough. But I sooooooooo get the numbing feeling self harm achieves and the feeling of self disgust and self blame. That's why you do it.
Because the pain is deep in your soul and heart. :inlove:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Smile With some medications, some people do fine. Until there is an increase in mgs Then sometimes all hell breaks loose. I couldn't take Lexapro, as it caused wicked anxiety for me. The same with Wellbutrin. So, it's very possible that the increase in dosage has caused you to become depressed. Believe it or not, some people do get more depressed on some anti depressants.

Yes, I was trying to kill myself. I've tried many times, with many different meds. 3 times I've come real close, but no banana. I should just quit trying, cause I'm lousy at it.

 

[joeylittle]

Actually, I won't. I don't trust my psychiatrist AT ALL. I research what's best for me and he just gives me prescriptions for whatever I want.

I'm going to push back a little. Suicidality is not a common side effect in Lexapro, but it is a side effect.

From 20 mg to 40

This is a high dose, twice the typical therapeutic dosage for adults. High-dose lexapro has been studied somewhat, but there's not a lot of data on it. Meaning, you're firmly in the realm of, if you can't attribute these increases in suicidal thinking to any other stimulus, then you've got to consider that the lexapro may be the problem.

I know how frustrating it is to go through the med changes, and trying, and trying. I don't know your whole med history either. But please, re-think your decision to not call your psych. Maybe it's time for a new psychiatrist?