Parts That Want Us Dead

[BlueOrange]

Sounds great to me.

The idea kicked off in my mind is that it might be possible to create some new memories.

Can a toy become a symbolic representation of the monster from the house of horrors? Could someone animate that toy in a safe way? Could imprisoning that toy be reassuring? Could magical defenses be tested by seeing if the toy is able to break them?

 

[shimmerz]

Hmmm, I wonder if that toy isn't appropriate for her anymore? I wonder if she needs something else? That toy held an awful lot of pain and fear that was transferred to it. There was also a toy in the house of horrors that played a big role (long story) and it was right by a door.

Interesting, as I have now just realized that objects that may soothe at one point in the healing process may, as healing progresses, not necessarily be appropriate or soothing anymore. This is going to require some serious thought. Thank you so much BlueOrange.

 

[BlueOrange]

I was imagining a new toy, but it turns out there's an existing toy!

I'm learning a lot myself.

 

[scout86]

Didn't your dog used to take over that job Scout?

Not exactly. It was easier to relax and get to sleep listening to her snoring and I went back to sleep faster when I woke up. I'd notice she was there, snoring, and more immediately go back to sleep.

You know, some of what you're saying reminds me of things M has said about re-imagining traumatic memories. For example, he had a client who was kidnapped...... (use your imagination. it was bad) She decided to 'relive' her trauma with an imaginary bombing run. He tells me it can be helpful to imagine this stuff with different outcomes. Where you HAVE control. And, since you're using your imagination, you can pick your options. Your brain handles, apparently, a lot of stuff the same. So, there's not a lot of difference to your brain between a vividly imagined scenario and a 'real' one. Once it's over, they're all just 'thoughts', you know?

 

[shimmerz]

So, there's not a lot of difference to your brain between a vividly imagined scenario and a 'real' one.

Yes, and this is the way I have dealt with most of my trauma. My brain doesn't know squat about reality. It knows what it sees, feels, smells, touches, hears. And it knows emotions that match those things. When I try to put this stuff into place I call it an overlay.

The problem is that I don't have any concept of what this should feel like in order to overlay this situation.

 

[Tinyflame]

but have no safe place to go.

A feeling of panic, no-win situation?

( :hug: )

 

[BlueOrange]

Yes, and this is the way I have dealt with most of my trauma. My brain doesn't know squat about reali...

When designing the overlay this time, perhaps the way is to identify safe behaviors and to find ways to connect those behaviors to the part that needs them.

 

[Tinyflame]

@shimmerz (or @sun seeker ) , could this help?

@greenleaf 's post of April 20, 2014 (post #9 of the thread Link Removed ) & attached paper referenced,

+/or @greenleaf 's last post of the thread How Do You Typically Feel When You Leave A Session? post #49)?

:hug:

 

[shimmerz]

Thank you Junebug. To me, this seems to be what is referenced in post 49 that you referenced above as an EP gone wild. I think I have been mainly driven by EP's over the past 10 years and am attempting to rebuild my authentic self during this time. I am a great believer in the Structural Dissociation model. It fits for me.

I also have wondered if I am Aspie or Autistic and I don't know if that has been all of my life, or whether this last bout of PTSD has created this situation where I am so easily overloaded. And when overloaded I had some really dramatic responses. I still get the feeling that the PTSD is driving all of this though so I am not actively researching the Aspie.Autistic stuff.

As a follow up, I went to this new therapist I have, on Friday. He suggested what I knew he would. Find a place to call safe in the home. Find a spot in the home that you can claim as your own and do self care stuff there. This is so much bigger than that though. The fact of the matter is that I am a lamb going to the slaughter if there is any form of aggression in this house and that is what is activating this EP. And my EP is looking for danger in the house simply based on the anticipation of the cold weather coming. I can 'claim my safe place' all I want to but if there is a perception on the EP's part that I am being threatened, I know what her MO is. This is where I feel the CBT stuff is unhelpful. You can tell ME all you want to do self care, to claim my space, that all is safe and well if I do these things, but based on past experiences unless I deal directly with the EP's direct issues, this is really a waste of time. The main part of me is certain that it is safe here, cold or not. But one wrong move.... and if that EP is activated.... this part can know whatever she has been taught - but it won't have leaked through enough to keep me in the house.

Junebug, if I have missed something would you mind letting me know. There was a ton of information in those posts. I think I understood what you are getting at, but please advise if I have lost the point you were making. Thanks for taking the time to direct me to such great resources!

 

[scout86]

I'd like to gently suggest you be careful how you talk and think about this. For example, you aren't a "lamb to slaughter", you feel like one. It's a metaphor right? But sometimes maybe these "parts" take things pretty literally. And maybe it's important not to use language that fans the flames.

Thinking about dealing with a frightened horse. Sometimes they can be truly terrified by something. Convinced that stepping on that trailer is life threatening. The fear they feel is real. You can tell them otherwise but you're wasting your time. In fact, I think it shows a certain level of disrespect to say the fear isn't real. The fear is real. The threat, on the other hand may not be. And then again, some day maybe things will be that level of dangerous.

Part of the problem is that this "part" is making inaccurate assessments of the nature of the threat. Another part of the problem is that that part then deals with the perceived threat in a way that's actually not very useful. Seems like a goal could be to help this part do a more accurate job of threat assessment and then also help it come up with better plans.

I honestly don't think it makes much sense to come up with a "safe" place in the house. In the event that the house isn't safe, you need a plan. And REAL plan. That would REALLY work. You need a good, accurate, way of doing a threat assessment and then you need a good plan(s). Preferably one the part buys into.
The thing with CBT, if I understand it correctly (and maybe I don't) is not so much they're telling you your thinking is wrong as that they encourage you to find other, different, ways of thinking about things that work better.

 

[shimmerz]

For example, you aren't a "lamb to slaughter", you feel like one.

Yeah, thanks for this Scout. Interesting, because I only speak like this when this part is activated. She is dramatic and very death oriented. I will attempt to notice this in the future but much appreciate your bringing it to my attention.

More later. Thanks so very much for your helpful thoughts.

 

[Tinyflame]

She is dramatic and very death oriented.

Maybe rather hopeless, terror-stricken, trapped, depressed?

I mean, knowing better, an adult could say dramatic or death-oriented. Maybe to 'her' it's factual & solution-based?

Where would the saying a lamb to the slaughter come from?