Girlfriend Constantly Upset With Me When I'm Triggered

[LittleJaybeeWithPTSD]

Hi everyone,

Lately, my girlfriend/fiancée has been somewhat weird lately when I am starting to have an anxiety/panic attack and told me the other day that she loves me but she doesn't know what to do with that love. Everything seems back to normal now seeing as though we are back to our normal conversations. But it seems like every time I am triggered or having and attack, my words fail me or come out wrong and I regret them immediately if they seem hurtful. I can't control this even when I try. She has also threatened to leave me twice but always makes up to me. She says she is strong enough to support me, but when I need her, she gets mad or upset with me because of my words. Is there anything I can do? Is there anything she should do? Any help would be much appreciated as we have a miracle baby on the way.

Thanks

 

[St.Maybe]

Hi there,
and Welcome!=]

I'm not quite sure what you mean, when you say "because of your words"
But I think if you're both willing to work on it, then progress can be made.
Do you know what triggers you? And what upsets her, specifically, about the things you tend to say when triggered?
I think if you can both get on the same page with the answers to those questions, then that's a great start.

 

[Friday]

Are you using your words as weapons? If so, treat it like using your fists. Aka do not aim them at people you don't want to hurt. Wait to talk until you have control of yourself.

 

[Gs172003]

Sounds like my husband. Make sure she knows what triggers you and that she's avoiding that. My husband knows but doesn't always avoid it then gets mad when I'm triggered. Fair, right?

That said get help if you aren't regardless.

 

[EveHarrington]

I know it may feel impossible to control our words when triggered, but I assure you we can-----no, it's not easy and takes a bit of practice, but it's definitely something to work on so that we don't hurt our loved ones.

Does your girlfriend know much about PTSD? There's a pretty great PTSD relationship book that is useful to partners trying to understand PTSD.

:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Personally I go into a brain fog when fully triggered and I can't think straight and certianly say things wrong. Not to purposely hurt but can't think before I speak or take a step back like I would if not triggered. I'm in a very hyper arousal state and from what I've seen on here and read, while researching, that's very common.

Does your wife know much about PTSD or how to successfully support someone with PTSD?

A good book for that:

Dead Link Removed

Here's another good one:

Dead Link Removed

And then the PTSD sourcebook my therapist had me buy (which helps the sufferer and supporter):

Dead Link Removed

I'd see if she is willing to educate herself about it. Also couples/marriage counseling/therapy is always a good idea that can help. Or/and her own therapist whom can teach her how to support while keeping good boundries and the relationship healthy.

 

[lovely.rabbit]

Im having the same issues right now, Im constantly asking if my boyfriend is ok, what I did wrong...why hes mad...and it ends up driving him crazy, im so scared of upsetting him or having him tell me he doesn't love me that I ask about 100 times a day if hes ok...
I cant be touched sometimes and it makes him upset, but im not sure how to undo 20+ years of abuse...he and I have been together almost 10 months and I don't know how to fix myself.
We don't communicate well at all and usually end up both yelling and saying things we don't mean.
Im thinking I might need to let him go so that I don't keep hurting him with not being able to be touched sometimes and constantly being high strung and worried.

Not much help, I know, but at least you know you aren't alone.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im thinking I might need to let him go so that I don't keep hurting him with not being able to be touched sometimes and constantly being high strung and worried.

I think with some education about trauma survivors, child sexual abuse, and PTSD and maybe some couples counsling, you can have a successful healthy relationship.

Question is, how willing are each you to try to make it work?

Leaving for fear of hurting the other usually causes a ton of pain for the other. Way more then if you stayed with your issues. Reading in the supporter section here, there are tons of threads about the partner with PTSD leaving and/or isolating due to feeling like they are hurting their partner but leaving causes way more pain then if they stayed.

Not sure if that makes sense. Im sick and have "head fog" so may not being using right words today.

 

[Sighs]

When my vet is triggered he can say the most incredibly cruel things. If he has dissociated he will not remember them and he will not know why I am so upset. If you can, talk about what you said once you have calmed down. You can then reassure her that you did not mean to hurt her with what you said.

 

[Knak]

Hi everyone,

Lately, my girlfriend/fiancée has been somewhat weird lately when I am star...

It seems to me that couples counseling before deciding could give you both a more objective perspective before taking action that could interfere with positive growth in your relationship.

Any help would be much appreciated as we have a miracle baby on the way.

I was struck that you say the baby is a miracle. Why do you consider it a miracle? To me it sounds like you consider it is good.

It doesn't seem to be the ideal order of creating an emotionally healthy family. Being married first without a pregnancy allows a couple time to get to know each other It is different insight gained than that learned while not being married.

You don't have that luxury due to the overwhelming distraction of a baby or a pregnancy. Add to that your PTSD or triggers that interfere in your relationship.

Denial is not a good choice. Being married will add stress that will suppress healing and growth. Her hormones will make it harder as well.

Perhaps the anxiety of marriage increases her stress, or her hormones could be making her more sensitive to anything that distracts from what a person would hope for: that reactions would be predictable in your partner.

Changing her interpretation of about how it affects her sounds like wishful thinking. She should look at her motive for marriage now if she acts differently than she wants to act. A 3rd person, a counselor, could help figure out what is going on.

Also, she will naturally be focused on the baby, not you, and you will seem like an aggravation if you want her to help you instead. Who is helping her? Is she supposed to be helping 2 people when nobody is helping her? Especially if one is a grown up. The man is usually more emotionally stable due to their makeup. A woman's emotions are always in flux.

Sorry if this is way off. I am in a bad marriage.