Complaints About Others

[Freedomfighter]

I read the post of a member that thinks that people appear mean on this forum. I can second the motion that at times I am heavily triggered by some of the material that is posted. However, I am an adult and only I accept what I read or what I listen too. Therefore I can not blame anyone else for something that they need to work through. If that material is untrue or I consider it to be dangerous to my mental health then I do not approach that material in any way.

There are also some that when they hear honest opinions and that does not jive with their unrealistic views that then that person can be mean. Frank and honest opinions are a birthright of every American.

 

[joeylittle]

However, I am an adult and only I accept what I read or what I listen too.

This is the bottom line, in life - not just the forum.

I'm interested in this conversation as it applies to more than the forum.

What emotional and behavioral pitfalls come up, when you think someone is being mean?

How do you cope when you believe someone is being mean to you? To others?

 

[Rani G2]

How do you cope when you believe someone is being mean to you? To others

I have been aggressiv, quite dramatic. I liked it when people honour me and see me as someone who is powerful and smart. If I didnt get it, I have been manipulative and insidious.

It has become better though with Therapy.

 

[IamFree]

I think that because were at all different stages of recovery were all going to come across differently depending on how far down the line we are. Someone who is recently traumatised may come across as dramatic and perhaps mean compared say to someone who has worked through stuff the challenge is trying to be compassionate without at the same time condoning abusive behaviour.

 

[IamFree]

I would like to add to traumatised people are not always very good at the truth we can have all kinds of defense mechanisms in place to shield us from it when we are not ready or equipped for it.

 

[Ronin]

Honestly I see a difference between honest / blunt / mean / abusive.

& Tone is one of those things that just doesn't convey so well through text, & we're of different national and ethnic backgrounds and life experiences through life, which shapes how who communicates quite a lot and is good to keep in mind when reading.

Abusive, I wouldn't say people here are, on average, and there are functional rules to keep it from happening. Anything else is greatly circumstancial and varying by the reader and where they're at mentally and emotionally, right now.

 

[Richie]

a danger of the written word is that it can so easily be misunderstood due to lack of tone of voice and facial expressions etc. someone is in a hurry but wants to reply to something may type it quickly without realising that it could be read in a different light from the authors intention. i have seen it many times and quite a few times have been my own words that were misread. i always ask if this person has a reason to intentionally upset me or if it is badly phrased and things like that. a lot of things can be taken out of context and the intention was never malicious. it is so easily done!

 

[Leni]

I'm fine with whatever comes my way on this forum or any other forum ... I have a distance here. I can't create that distance between negativity/criticims in 'real life' though.

I was just given a bunch of negative feedback from my boss and it knocked me down. I was unable to respond to her criticism, I was unable to defend myself, I was unable to even speak for myself! And it destroyed my entire day. I felt like a little kid and I acted like a little kid - sitting in a corner, scared to speak up.

That said ... no matter what your opinion is, you should always try to at least be a little 'nicer' when it comes to delivery. There are right ways how to say something and then wrong ways ... It's better to take a little time and try to find a better way then to just mindlessly lash out and say something you might regret later or that will hurt somebody needlessly.

 

[Recovery4Me]

misunderstood due to lack of tone of voice and facial expressions etc.

This is very true (for me). I once was taught how the benign sentence- "Mary had a little lamb." could be vocalized in a varying set of ways to convey a wide range, to that of expressing even that of rage with intimidation. The speaker had a lasting impact insofar as vocalization.

we're of different national and ethnic backgrounds and life experiences through life, which shapes how who communicates quite a lot

Yet, insofar as the written word, I am in agreement with Ronin completely on the entire post #6. Clarity, as someone mentioned is very important to acquire from the member in question as most are supportive and kind-hearted within this board.

when they hear honest opinions and that does not jive with their unrealistic views

I have honestly a different take than the above quote. I see it as their filter or perspective. For example, I do not find Freedom Fighter's quote 'unrealistic' just not the same as mine.

How do you cope when you believe someone is being mean to you?

I look at it as an signal to possibly take 'downtime' or time out for me and meditate to come back to the situation with rest, or a fresh eye. As I have PTSD, my filter can be off. Later after I regroup, often it didn't seem personal at all. :rolleyes: If I did take it that way and spoke too soon, I do try to apologize where due or when I come around. :alien:

A wise person once stated:p, I do not have to be the most reasonable person in the room. So mistakes are allowed, you know?:)

 

[EveHarrington]

Yeah, the only person you can control is yourself.

I think many of us get emotional and perhaps react strongly. It's important to remember it's likely about them/their symptoms/their healing and not so much me.

However, if a member bothers you (for ANY reason), then put them on ignore.

I know many people are against the ignore function for whatever reason, but I find it helps me. I think if others knew why certain people were on ignore, they'd think I was a mean person. But no------the ignore function is for me and me alone and again has more to do with me than them. It's not about silencing someone, it's about filtering my environment so that I can function optimally. We do this in real life, right? It's the same here.

 

[Codladh]

I'm fine with whatever comes my way on this forum or any other forum ... I have a distance here. I can't...

I have had that experience of not being able to talk or even think many times,in shops ,banks ,coffee shops...anywhere really. My therapist said that when I go into fright mode,the part of the brain that is responsible for thinking just goes off line. There is nothing I can do about it,just keep working through stuff and not beat myself up for feeling like a stupid kid.

I'm fine with whatever comes my way on this forum or any other forum ... I have a distance here. I can't...

 

[Leni]

I have had that experience of not being able to talk or even think many times,in shops ,banks ,coffee s...

I know one shouldn't use that word, but it succinctly describes how I feel in these situations - retarded.

But why? Why do we go into the 'fright' mode? My head feels empty in these situations ... and sometimes I just start feeling frustrated and can even get angry. I can go from fright to fight in no time ... but that strongly depends on the situation - what the playing field is, what level of intimidation I feel ... I've been known to be an absolute b* to folks that certainly didn't deserve it. A mild slight can make me turn into a Hulk - even if just perceived. And then there are the situations when I should be defending myself and I just ... flop.

Apologies for going off topic.