Maintaining Connection Between Sessions

[NightSky]

@sun seeker I did see what you were saying. Just throwing it out there that I don't have it. But I noticed when I looked it up it is as you described- primarily discussed within the context of BPD. And that is frustrating.
But I can separate that diagnosis from the symptoms and take what is helpful. Same with DID. While I don't have it, it is helpful to read about because having a dissociative disorder means a lot of the information is still helpful.
I'm trying to accept that the unmet childhood needs are supposed to come out. Prior to very recently with this T, I've tried very hard to keep the child part out of the equation.
@Abstract I'm sorry for the pain that T caused you. And yes it is terrifying the fine line between healing and retraumatizing. :sorry:
Fortunately in my experience with this T, she has always responded well. It's just the shame I have to get over. That's primarily what I feel.
I see her Tuesday. Maybe I'll email beforehand so I can't chicken out. Thanks for helping me think through this!

 

[amosmorris]

@NightSky I'm so glad you started this thread. Next week I'm supposed to have a phone session with my T (it's the day before Thanksgiving and she'll be away from the office, but still generously offered a phone session)....and I did not want to seem ungrateful but also had to push myself to share that the phone is unnerving for me. And it's because I feel the same way as you describe--it's like she isn't real when I can't see her and it is a source of very frustrating pain/panic disappointment for me...as an adult, I know this is a "thing" but that doesn't mean I can get my mental foothold on it either.

For a few months now I've been doing this test on myself after I leave a session--I swear by the time I'm in my car I ask myself: "What color was she wearing?" Clueless, time after time. And it saddens me--it sucks. Because it creates this feeling of distance and disconnect; I can't call her mental image up in my mind when she's not sitting in front of me. Even her face--at least it's really hard. And so when I'm out of that therapy room and back in the world it's like, where is she? she's in my mind something of a ghost, you know? So I don't have a good sense that I "have" her when I'm not with her. Today I finally shared this with her. It's been bothering me for such a while but I've been embarrassed and shaming myself like crazy behind the scenes on this one.

I am fortunate in that she does have me at two sessions a week, which she does at a discounted rate so it's manageable. I find this really helpful for me--the second session of the week is often the most productive, seems to offer some continuity. She also allows me to text. I am skittish about this and fight the urge like crazy, and when I do text her I could just about curl up in a ball. In fact often if I text her I then immediately abandon my phone for a while--! But--if you're T will let you text, that's been a big help for me. Because I save those text messages and they are a concrete thing that I have from her, that I carry around. These things help me (as much as it's hard to accept that these are issues I struggle with...and believe me I didn't know I struggled with these issues until this past hard year of diving in...ugggggh).

Anyway--again, thank you for starting this thread. I hope the discussion is bringing you some affirmation and comfort. :hug:

 

[NightSky]

@amosmorris I do the same thing- see if I can recall what she was wearing. Usually I can somewhat.
I talked to my T tonight about all of this. I told her sessions feel dreamlike after and everything else I wrote about on here. She said it is a piece of me that shattered/splintered off when I was young and that the sooner I start helping younger me meet her needs, the better. She guesses that it's part my fear she will abandon me. And part my fear of always being a nuisance (therefore balking at the idea of a midweek check in and wanting to bolt when I get there because I feel like I'm taking up her time.) she said it is not unreasonable at all to check in midweek and she was assigning it as homework so that I would actually do it. She doesn't want me to start from square one every week, so we will brainstorm ways to help me connect quickly when I walk in each week. I think so much of this comes down to the "inner child" stuff- a part of me I've always tried to push down and ignore. But we are waiting to dive heavily into that because I'm 9 months pregnant and she wants to keep the intensity in check. :rolleyes:
She talked a lot about how she choose this line of work because she cares- something I forget, when halfway through a lot of weeks I assume along with her nonexistence, that she's angry with me.
Thanks for all of your encouragement. I never would've thought to address this with her otherwise!

 

[amosmorris]

@amosmorris I do the same thing- see if I can recall what she was wearing. Usually...

Congrats on your pregnancy! And good for you that you pushed the conversation tonight. These things are so damn hard.

 

[NightSky]

Congrats on your pregnancy! And good for you that you pushed the conversation tonight. These things...

Thank you! Yeah, I never realized that every step of the way would be hard. With my former T, I wasn't attached and it wasn't that hard. Also not productive. So in this case I guess the difficulty and discomfort mean it's going somewhere.

 

[amosmorris]

Thank you! Yeah, I never realized that every step of the way would be hard. With my former T, I wasn't...

Oh yes indeed....my former T, who also told me (was the first one to tell me) I had PTSD, I was also not connected to--I completely pulled the plug on her after she pissed me off with a billing policy....I was relieved to shake myself loose, didn't miss her, didn't feel that connection. The connection to my current T causes me such angst. I get it. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

She talked a lot about how she choose this line of work because she cares- something I forget, when halfway through a lot of weeks I assume along with her nonexistence, that she's angry with me.

Would it help to get her to write that down, so you can check it midweek when you forget?

 

[BoN-bOn]

I think it might be about lack of object permanence, which would point to developmental trauma before about 18 months

That's very interesting. I have felt the same thing. Feeling like I have to start over each week. For a while I went twice weekly & my T & I email pretty frequently. I worried so much about being needy or crossing boundaries but it's been so helpful in establishing that connection for me. I kept apologizing every time I emailed & she finally said that I have every right to tell her how I feel no matter when it is or how. She doesn't always email back right away, but she always responds.

Because I save those text messages and they are a concrete thing that I have from her, that I carry around

Yes! I read & re-read emails from my therapist often!