Relationship Dealing With An So's Fear Of Long-term Commitment?

[dulcia]

He talks about wanting kids all the time. I think this is mostly from a more self-focused stand point (he really wants a child) as opposed to a joining of families type of thing (him wanting us to start a family together). He was married twice before. First one was much too young (as is common in early military), ended quickly and painlessly. Second one ended (5 years ago) after he found out she was cheating on him. I think he adored her and this crushed him. We've talked about her some and he doesn't still have (positive) feelings for her, but his strong hatred towards her and towards marriage in general makes me think he was a lot more emotionally affected by what happened than he lets on. But I can understand that.

I want to have children, but I want to be married first. When he goes Zero Dark Thirty, he rags on me for desiring marriage, even though I have never pressured him on the matter. He has said in the past that he does not think he ever wants to get married again. Okay, that's fine. We're not at that point anyway, but sometimes a casual remark about us being married or our children in the future gets brought up in conversations. (I don't feel comfortable putting any examples for anonymity's sake.) A few months ago, I asked him if he imagined the two of us ever getting married and he said he didn't know and that he wants us to take things one day at a time. Okay, that's fine too. And it was better than a speech on how marriage is a crock of sh*t. Like I said, we're not at that point anyway right now. What I'm worried about is in another two, three years.... Is he still going to want to take it day by day? Is he still going to avoid marriage? I know everyone's situation is different and every individual is different, but I would love to hear from any supporters who have dealt with this and what the outcome was for them :shy:

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

It all really depends, my friend. Sorry about your worries and concerns, I know it must be worrying. Truth is, it's truly different from everyone. For all you know, after the shock of his previous marriage, he may never want to marry ever again in his life, due to the hard feelings of betrayal. Perhaps (I can't speak for him, obviously, so take this with a grain of salt) it's possible that the very concept of marriage is a stress trigger due to the trauma and shock that came with it in his previous marriage. The idea of marrying could be insanely different from yours - maybe to you, it could be a symbol of unification and love, and meanwhile, he hasn't completely healed, and so his vision of marriage is an opportunity for someone to fool him into trusting a person, only for them to betray and hurt him later. Don't want to speak for him, obviously, and I may very well be wrong, but it's clear that he hasn't really healed from this.

Is he seeing a therapist for his PTSD? If not, it's recommended that he should. Healing is a long, very messy and difficult road, but it,s better in the long run. And healing, unfortunately, takes more than two or three years for many people. He may change his mind about marriage, but he may not as well, so be ready to be okay with that if it comes to it.

Are you taking care of yourself personally too? I know that things can be stressful for supporters. Make sure that you're doing well too :)

 

[Newmember]

Do you think its a fear of commitment or do you think the future scares him. He's previously been married.... which means his idea of marriage and yours already differs.

I'm not in the same boat as you but I have discussed the future with someone who has PTSD. Marriage, work, bills, child barring and how to raise them, anything to do with the future seems to be questionable to them. They almost know they have their ups and downs and in a way don't want to let someone down, themselves, you, anyone with "broken promises." Maybe its the loss of optimism? Maybe its something as small as he is scared to be happy, or doesn't think he deserves it. So its just easier to not think about it? Don't take it personally. There are many men who would say whatever they needed to keep a women around. (women do that too) I'd actually appreciate the honesty in a weird way.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He may mean what he says... he doesn't want to get married again. Are you OK with that?

One thing I've learned as a supporter... it's not all PTSD. I listen to what he says like I would anybody else. He says what he means like 90% of the time.

The only time I think my sufferer may not be saying what he really means is if he is symptomatic... like stressed out or triggered.
If marriage has been a source of stress for your sufferer in the past, and he is really sensitive to the thought of you pushing for it, then either learn to stop mentioning it, even in offhanded abstract ways, if you're really fine with not ever getting married, OR confront the reality of the situation. If your looking for eventual marriage, be honest with him. His guard is going to be up about the topic if he was hurt before, and not being 100% is going to make it worse.

 

[dulcia]

The idea of marrying could be insanely different from yours

We've talked about it and it is. Personally, I think the best outcome would be if we could find some sort of compromise that works for/doesn't upset either of u down the road.

Is he seeing a therapist for his PTSD?

Ish. The vet center here sucks and sucks is an understatement. Monthly via webcam with inconsistent therapists.

Are you taking care of yourself personally too?

I am now, yes :)

Do you think its a fear of commitment or do you think the future scares him.

Probably both. He doesn't think he deserves a future. That's the overarching issue, I think.

He may mean what he says... he doesn't want to get married again. Are you OK with that?

I am okay with it for now. And I am not seeking marriage anytime soon.

The only time I think my sufferer may not be saying what he really means is if he is symptomatic...

The most drastic/hateful things he has said about marriage or my view of it when he is ZDT (symptomatic). When he is in that way, the topic is unrelated and his thoughts on it come unprovoked.

either learn to stop mentioning it, even in offhanded abstract ways, if you're really fine with not ever getting married, OR confront the reality of the situation. If your looking for eventual marriage, be honest with him. His guard is going to be up about the topic if he was hurt before, and not being 100% is going to make it worse.

He knows exactly how I feel and I know exactly how he feels. I may have been unclear in my OP about marriage and children being mentioned casually in conversations -- to be clear, he's made joking/casual comments about being a stay at home dad while I worked, about how my name would look funny hyphenated with his, and about the "benefits" I would be eligible to receive as his spouse. These comments are what makes me think somewhere in there he is open to the idea. Maybe once a year I will ask if his thoughts have changed on the matter just to gauge where we are, but otherwise there's not really any pushing, offhanded abstract comments, or frequent mentioning. He knows where I stand and that I am firm in my feelings about marriage and he continues to pursue a relationship so that may mean something too, right?