Relationship Cheating. Can Ptsd Really Contribute?

[Cherryontop]

Hi all, I'm new here but so much has happened in the past week that I have so many questions that I need answers too and I'm just not getting them from my partner. We have been together 6 years but are separated at the moment. Basically, he has always been faithful and I've never had a reason to doubt him until recently. I found out that he met a woman last weekend, he says nothing happened but they spent the week messaging, just general chit chat according to him. But he hid it so I don't believe that. Then he left me on the Friday wth no explanation other than he wasn't happy and then kissed her on the Saturday night. I didn't know this at the time but he came home Sunday afternoon asking to come back, crying and apologising saying he doesn't know who he is or what he's doing. I then found out about this woman and he became awful. No apology or emotion, just cold and heartless and talked back to me like I was nothing when I confronted him. We've been talking since then. I asked him how he could do that and not tell me or not feel guilty and he just said that sometimes he just doesn't feel anything. I asked how he could be messaging her then cuddling up next to me at night saying he loves me. He said that one second he'd feel guilty then the next he'd feel nothing. He said he feels numb and wasn't thinking about anyone or anything at the time. I'm trying to work through it but don't know how to be sure whether this is really what he felt or is just telling me this because he was caught out. What do you think. I'm not asking if PTSD can cause cheating because I know it can't but do you think that the way it makes you feel and act and push everyone away could be part of the reason behind it? I'm desperate for answers. Thanks.

 

[Silver.]

According to your other post, you aren't even sure he has PTSD, this is just your assumption based off research you have done (which is totally unhealthy to do btw), regardless, NO, cheating has nothing to do with PTSD. Pushing people away? Certainly it's a trademark of sufferers, pushing people away and having affairs? Certainly is a trademark of cheaters

 

[Neverthesame]

just telling me this because he was caught out.

Probably this.

 

[Justmehere]

If he is really committed to you and changing his behavior (PTSD fueled or not) then you could suggest he go to therapy and he would jump on it.

My guess is that if you suggest professional treatment he will give excuses and not go and repeat the behavior.

 

[Cherryontop]

According to your other post, you aren't even sure he has PTSD, this is just your assumption based off...

Hi, no im not 100% sure. I just can't get any answers from him so I'm just trying to prepare myself for what might come from it and I've read so many stories on here which sound similar. I guess I won't really know until he goes to counselling so I'm just looking for a bit of advice from people that may be able to help. So much has happened in such a short space of time that I'm really just trying to understand what might be going on with him. The way he's acting is so out of character so I'm not sure what else to think.

 

[Cherryontop]

If he is really committed to you and changing his behavior (PTSD fueled or not) then you could sugge...

That's what I'm afraid of. One day he says he wants to go, then the next he says he will do it once he is ready and just needs to concentrate on one thing at a time for now. I don't know if he's just worried. Like I say he never talks about how he feels so I imagine this would be daunting.

 

[Silver.]

okay, let's pretend you didn't suspect he had PTSD at all

what is acceptable about someone sneaking around behind your back, starting with a virtual affair and then actually meeting up with this woman? Especially because he didn't even want to own up to it.
In my experience, some relationships can be fixed if someone cheats, but they have to own up to cheating, on their own, because they love their spouse enough to own up to being a shithead. only admitting to something once you get called out? means you still have every intention to continue the affair, again, just my experience

 

[Cherryontop]

okay, let's pretend you didn't suspect he had PTSD at all

what is acceptable about someone sneaking ar...

Yes I agree. I asked him outright if there was anyone else and he said no. Then when I found out I asked why he didn't tell me so we could work through it and he just said that he was a coward and didn't think I would forgive him. It's just that with all of his erratic behaviour of late I'm not sure what to believe. But like I said we have been together 6 years and I have never doubted him before and he has certainly never acted like this. His moods just change constantly. It's quite worrying and I don't know how to help.

 

[Justmehere]

What he is doing right now, avoiding treatment and acting out, is "working" for him. You continue to stay and if snatching try even harder to understand what he probably doesn't understand himself.

Something's gotta change, unless you are ok with living how things are now, for the rest of your life and all the ongoing doubts and worries it will bring.

You can't change him or what he does. You can't. whatever the cause... you can't change him. Only he can do that, possibly with the help of a treatment team.

What he is doing has to stop working to keep you in his life and in his chaos before he will change.

You have to work on boundaries for you. Make the clear what you will and will not accept and that you can't accept someone who acts out like this and doesn't get help. Make it clear. Set a date for him to drag his butt into treatment and make concrete steps towards change. If he doesn't he doesn't. You get to control if you want that in your life or not.

It may also be worthwhile considering therapeutic support for you in sorting this out. This is hard stuff. This is a huge betrayal. You could even go to couples counseling and maybe he would be so curious he finally show up.

But don't stay with him just waiting for him to change. That won't help him or you.

 

[Friday]

Can people use bad coping mechanisms to del with PTSD symptoms? Yes.

Can PTSD be a contributing factor in pretty much any series of behaviors? Yes. The exact same way Anorexia, Autism Spectrum, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Dyslexia, (thunks down DSM5) can, also.

Is any of this very useful? No. Not really. Because none of these disorders cause these things, and individuals handle them all differently, it becomes far less about the disorder, and far more about the person.

As an example, because reading is difficult, Dyslexic Person A can become extremely social, in order to work around the reading problem by talking with people (can you see what time Flight 762a is due in?), so that they can ask, trick, jolly, cajole people into reading information out loud to them. Meanwhile Dyslexic Person B can go the opposite way. Very shy about how long it takes them to read things, they avoid people like the plague, so that they can puzzle out the letters in privacy. So if you're dating dyslexic person A & feel like all their talking to women is flirting & disrespectful, does the dyslexia excuse it? Or dating person B and going absolutely stir crazy, never getting to spend time out & about, does the dyslexia excuse that? Because they have dyslexia suddenly it makes it so you don't feel disrespected, or are no longer a social butterfly? Nope. Of course not.

Same with PTSD. Where people take symptoms / where symptoms take them is very individual.

Which is why... Boundaries.

As in be very secure in your own. What do YOU want in your life? What do you love, like, aren't bothered by, dislike, & won't tolerate? Figure that out. Cuts through 99% of the BS.

 

[Sweetpea76]

do you think that the way it makes you feel and act and push everyone away could be part of the reason behind it?

Could be.

He doesn't have to act on those feelings though, and you don't have to excuse the behavior just because of his mental state.

 

[Cherryontop]

What he is doing right now, avoiding treatment and acting out, is "working" for him. You continue to...

That makes a lot of sense. I asked him to tell me a day that he will make an appointment with the counsellor and he has so I have said I won't mention it again until then. I think you're right about me going for help to. And couples counselling would be good for us after he has dealt with his own issues. Thanks.