Anxious Around Men

[Miraaazi]

I get very anxious around older men. I am really scared older men will find me sexually attractive, even when I know that they are married and have not shown any signs of being into me - I can still feel so extremely anxious just in case they find me attractive. This has of course affected the way I often act around older men, I become very nervous and push them away from me. I have improved around them though, it was very bad when I was younger. I am even scared my dad or my uncles will find me sexually attractive... I can't recall any sexual abuse in my childhood, so I think it is all really confusing (I can only remember certain parts of my childhood). Has anyone else experienced this? Is there any way I can stop thinking this way?

 

[Geo]

I get very anxious around older men. I am really scared older men will find me sexually attractive, ev...

Not that I have any actual experience with this from a clinical stand point just on what I see with my wife who was sexually molested when she was little by her father, she gets this way too or at least pretends to be this way when she is around me, she comes off as very anxious and almost scared that men constantly sexually look at her and undress her with their eyes, no matter where she is or what store she is in, every day their seems to be a new story of a man coming up to her and trying to flirt or get with her, but behind that or in her secret world with the whole c-ptsd she sends them pictures and sexually sends them dirty messages and becomes addicted to having relationships with pretty much many men, has a big fear of abandement and also attatchemt issues too stemming from childhood, becomes obsessive and overly dependent on having them, but makes myself or others believe that she is very nervous or anxious around them, I think it just feeds her or maybe triggers her one or other, not saying you do but just thought to put my reply in regards to my wife

 

[someone12342134]

I get very anxious around older men. I am really scared older men will find me sexually attractive, ev...

omg I can totally relate can you please tell me how you stopped this from happening ,,I'm too sacred to have lessons with some of my teachers at school because of it :(:(

 

[Juso]

I can relate to this so well, and it bothers me A LOT. Also don't have a history of abuse. It might come from what society tells us men are. And that we should constantly fear for our lives. That we should be careful around men, ect ect ect. We are told to "dress appropriately" because otherwise "men can't control themselves", which is just plain bullshit, every man can control himself as much as a woman can. So I guess its due to a certain picture of how men are.
I feel bad for feeling this way. I actually felt this way yesterday with an elderly man in my lift. Although I must say he also touched me on my shoulder which was kind of weird in that context. And I do think some elderly men are behaving inappropriately, but this has to do with their upbringing and what they were told is okay to do.

*Don't have a history of sexual abuse

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I’m the same way; to the point my dog picked up on it and started to guard me from strange men in the house (she’s since gotten over it but she literally wouldput herself between me and anyone. She would even bark and distract my dad if his voice raised at me which she hasn’t had to do in a while). I do have a history of sexual and emotional abuse from numerous men but I also have a history of sexual abuse from women and yet men still make me uncomfortable where women in general don’t as much. Maybe because none have emotionally abused me and in general actually have empathy whereas I’ve only met one man who had an idea of what empathy was, and even then it was half hearted and twisted. And older men have always found me very attractive and sexualized me. I started getting hit on my older men when I was 13. They also have no sense of boundaries (my granddad is like that andit took three months of me telling him to stop rubbing my shoulders and back even after he’s known all that has happened to me and that I have PTSD.)

But honestly even without a history of abuse I don’t think fearing men is strange, abnormal or even unwarranted to be honest. I could list facts and figures but I don’t want to make you feel more scared! I have a lot of friends who are also in general scared of men from news stories and experiences. You’re not strange or alone in this!

What’s helped me the most though is learning that I have the tools to if they ever do abuse me/make me feel uncomfortable to get out, get safe, and get help. That if someone makes me feel uncomfortable, no matter their gender, I can shut them down and stand up for myself. And learning self defense haha.

 

[Mach123]

I’m the same way; to the point my dog picked up on it and started to guard me from strange me...

I have this so bad and it's not gender or fearing men it's something about dominance at least for me. I did jiu-jitsu for 6 years and I got a lot of mat time. I had the strangest submissive fighting style? It was like impossible for me to beat up on the other guys even when I was better? I couldn't be beaten easily but I would just stall and stop the other grappler. Frustrate them and not let them do anything. Then I stopped improving at a certain level? I wish I were doing it now because I think it would be different but my arthritis stopped me. I was in crazy shape when I was doing that.

 

[BestCaseScenario]

I get very anxious around older men. I am really scared older men will find me sexually attractive, ev...

Thanks for sharing. You said you don’t remember any abuse, but where there any times you felt uncomfortable around adult men when you where a kid? Most women can. Even if it was a “small” thing, like times when you felt older men looking, staring, making comments. There is a psychological phenomenon called “the male gaze” which means women always notice men looking at them even when we ignore it on purpose. It bothers some women more then others. Question for you: what bothers you the most about attention you get from older men?

 

[PiggyBack]

There is a psychological phenomenon called “the male gaze” which means women always notice men looking at them even when we ignore it on purpose.

That's not specific to women. Most people are aware when being observed. Although I agree, men can be not so subtle in their gazing.

Older dude here. I often work in poor communities in Latin America and the children can range from overtly friendly to painfully shy. I have blond, longish hair and it's not uncommon for a child to sneak up behind me and start touching my hair. On other occasions, they pull on my pant legs and ask to touch my hair. They aren't taught to fear strangers like they do here.

However, some children are painfully shy and girls are definitely more shy than boys, and this is especially true as their age approaches puberty. I've just learned to respect the boundaries that their body language is conveying. They will literally squirm in discomfort and I do my best to give them more space. Often the mother will comfort the child.

After puberty, people quickly assume the norms of society and I treat them like young adults and I don't notice any discomfort. Whatever made them so uncomfortable appears to have been resolved.