Relationship Best guy i ever met-shut me out

[DharmaGirl]

I have cPTSD, and I don't form romantic relationships because I need "days off". I know when you are describing the relationship, you say he is wonderful, but he is not being wonderful now. It has nothing to do with you, it is his illness. It would be the same with any other person. He is not thinking about you waiting for him, he probably isn't thinking of you at all. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I know when I need time for myself, it is because I need to be alone. If you allow him to act this way and take him back after treating you so badly, he will continue, because it is how the illness works. Please find someone who is whole enough to be there for you, when you need it.

 

[Mariposa Verde]

@Serendipity424
Read the posts by WhisperingUnicorn, her perspective, advice, and experience is very helpful

 

[Sweetpea76]

However it does matter to me and I don't want to give up.

Why would I want to give up on home when he is all alone?

He may want to be alone. How would you handle that? Some sufferers isolate. He may have decided he isn't ready for a relationship. He may have changed his mind. He may be ghosting you like any other regular guy may do and PTSD could have nothing to do with it. You can't know at this point in time. You can't prove your worthy by waiting. You can't make him love you with dedication. He has to be present in the relationship. Is there an established relationship to wait on?

Everything was perfect so perfect this past week

that was not like him.

we both need each other in some way

The entire time was happy and no drama at all.

How can you know that after a few weeks? Do you know if he thought it was perfect? Do you know that he needs you? Do you know what his typical behavior is? Is he a bullshitter? Before you say no, how do you know? Who is your proof, him?

he told me he was so falling in love with me.

he never met anyone like me and I was amazing and perfect for him.

he said he had never been happier ever, no one had ever made him as happy as I did and said I made him feel good about himself which no one does....

Actions speak louder than words. Is he being loving, or is it all talk? Love isnt instantaneous. That's fairy tale. Infatuation, sure. Attraction, sure. Real love takes time. People tend to wax poetic in the honeymoon phase when things are new.

 

[Serendipity424]

He may want to be alone. How would you handle that? Some sufferers isolate. He may have decided he i...

@Sweetpea I understand what you are saying. He was upfront about his PTSD, I had a stroke and told him everything I was going through- he then came out with everything he has and I was perfect the way I was. He told me over and over in 5000 texts and phone calls how this was amazing and he didn't know how it would be possible to feel like this ever again, even after being married twice no one ever made him feel so happy and made him feel so positive... and here he was falling in love with me is what he had said. He sent videos and pics everyday of him and his two kids while I was at work showing me how they spent their days telling me he can't wait until I am a permanent part of their life. He said this the night before he stopped talking to me. Everything was perfect. We had plans this coming Thursday and in our conversation las Tuesday morning he asked me if I got a replacement at work. We talked a little bit here and there through the afternoon and come evening it was bam... a different person. Cold, didn't matter what I had to say he would not listen. He actually hung up when I told him I was worried. Since then 6 days he has not spoken to me at all. Maybe he is a bullshitter, how can you spend all that time and hours and nights and feelings expressed and it all be bullshit. I guess it could happen but it felt right. I have not been in a relationship for over 8 years so he was the first guy I talked to, in the beginning I told him I was not interested in him because he was to young LOL.... he said I am an old soul in a young body....from there after every day was so good. I understand some suffers isolate and I that is ok, I just want to know if I said something wrong when I told him I was worried or did something else during last Tuesday evening do this. I know only he knows and I may never know. He will not talk to me at all. I am stepping back but I do not want to give up. I am so confused.

 

[LuckiLee]

@Serendipity424
Read the posts by WhisperingUnicorn, her perspective, advice...

For another perspective read the thread

What does "I'm feeling bad" mean to you? In supporter relationships.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Just throwing my two cents in here ... you're very much in/was in honeymoon stage, which is a stage when you meet someone and everything is glorious and wonderful and nothing seems like it would ever go wrong, you live in this dreamworld, all these hormones flying around and it's bloody wonderful, bloody bloody wonderful. THEM BAM.

Naturally you want to believe everything will be all fine and dandy, and I understand where you're at now, trust me I've been there. You tell yourself that waiting, being there for them, showing them you care, being patient and understanding will mean they will come back and reach out. Yes they usually do, but they also usually shut you out again, and the cycle continues. Each time is as harrowing as the first, for me it did get easier because I knew I was doing the best thing for him by leaving him alone to sort himself out.

This doesn't however stray away from the fact my 'friend' is now in that wonderful honeymoon stage with someone else. 8 months of my life doing the waiting, caring, understanding, caretaking for him to pie me off for some snaggle tooth, lanky haired, twig legged, scab of a human (only joking she's actually beautiful but it helps to pretend she looks like gollum). What I am trying to make you aware of is that he can tell you 'all these things he would never tell anyone else' he can tell you he loves you (just like mine did - several times) but you never truly know if that's the case. You're so very early in your relationship you really need to look at all possibilities now and wonder if you can do this ... several times over. It's exhausting, and if he's shutting you out now so early on, it's very likely he's going to do it again and again.

My work performance faltered because I was constantly on this site looking for answers, answers that don't exist by the way because no one is mystic meg, if you are DM me because I want to know when the heck my prince charming will turn up and if he exists, oh and next weeks lottery numbers as well while you're at it.

You can take comfort in the fact other people are going through or have been in the same situation, some have success stories and some don't. It's up to you what you want to do, but just be prepared for this, it really is exhausting, sufferers of PTSD really have it rough and it's a wonderful caring act to show love and patience, but don't put your absolute everything into this because you will end up just as broken. Live your life, be happy and be well.

 

[Serendipity424]

@Newtoptsd
I appreciate you telling me all of this, I do. I know it's early and I get that. I think something else set him into shutdown so to say it is early to do this you are probably right but if he had no control over what had happened that day or what was building up and it had nothing to do with me then why wouldn't I be here when he is ready? Isn't every situation different? I am sorry you waited so long and it did not work out for you as I am sure you didn't deserve that. Sometimes I feel like we are all taking about the same person yet we all think ours is different, maybe I do have that one that will come back and I will continue to work on it until he doesn't come back or he tells me he doesn't want me in his life. Until then I am going to hope and pray he comes back and hope and pray eventually he will want to get treatment. The side I seen of him, that's the real him. I hear how exhausting it is and I am scared of that but he didn't say those things and not mean it, if I could paste our conversations here maybe everyone would see what I see. I don't know what will happen but I will never give up.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Let me ask you another question @Serendipity424... how much face to face time have you spent with him?

 

[anthony]

Read: Link Removed

 

[Abigail7]

You pretty much describe almost every relationship I've ever had. I have PTSD. The thing is, the nature of the beast is that slow-growing relationships never get off the ground and as such, never get to the "relationship" stage because symptoms get in the way before anything can happen. Anything that is an actual relationship burns hot and heavy. Yep, we're talking constant contact from waking up until falling asleep, spending as much time with each other as possible, etc. But then, PTSD comes-a-knocking and I go into isolation mode. This usually happens within a few months. I hem-and-haw about ending things because I think it might work out, until things come to a head and I end things once and for all. I'm not cruel, just optimistic that once a new guy comes along, I've healed enough to be able to handle a relationship. I don't hop from relationship to relationship, not in the least. It's actually very difficult to determine true relationship readiness until you actually dip your toes into the relationship world once again as one can be stable in all other aspects of life but not in the romantic relationship realm. All of these "relationships" seem special at the time but in retrospect they weren't as there wasn't deeper love, it was all honeymoon stage lust and infatuation.

My one exception is a guy I've known almost a decade now. Yes, we did have the crazy-hot first 6 months or so, but things cooled off...he's ok with our distance which involves lots of silence. No, we're not officially together and we likely won't ever be. (I hate official labels anyway and I'd run if he wanted one, most likely.) Maybe you say it's not a real relationship, but nobody else can judge. So why do I say this? It's not the crazy-hot infatuation during month one that is rare. (It's quite common.) It is the "relationship" (of any kind) where I can have as much distance as I want that is harder to find. (He's ok doing his own thing when I'm non-communicative. Seriously, ok...he's mastered taking time away when I'm at my PTSD-worst, but never cuts contact for good.) Is it perfect? No. Is it 100% healthy? No. But he's been there for me longer than anyone else as he knows how to handle the space.

I say all this as a person with PTSD. I say this as my way of pointing out that relationship requirements for someone with PTSD are quite often different than in non-PTSD relationships. (Many) people with PTSD desire human closeness, but the caveat is that we need our closeness with space. This is (often) very hard for a non-PTSD person to handle, and leads to many PTSD relationship breakdowns.

If you're not the kind of person who can TRULY handle periods of isolation and silence, then it sounds like a relationship with this guy is not in your best interest. While it's noble that you don't want to abandon him, what about your needs? Are you going to go into a downturn every time an unexpected isolation period comes up? (All isolation periods are pretty much unexpected, as they can't be accurately predicted most of the time.)

It's actually healthy to say that you have your limits, and unhealthy to say that you'll stick by him no matter what (especially at only one month in).

I hope you do a lot of research into PTSD and take things slow.

 

[joeylittle]

why wouldn't I be here when he is ready?

Because it's not healthy for one person in a relationship to constantly subvert their own needs. But if you are happy putting all of your own needs aside, AND you believe you can somehow not hold your own behavior against him if he does come back - then go for it.

The side I seen of him, that's the real him.

No. Both sides are real. Repeat: both sides are real.

Please don't harbor the illusion that there's a 'real' him who is good and kind and amazing, and then there's an illness that somehow is...what? Not him? Everything we do is contained in who we are. Everything.

 

[Serendipity424]

Because it's not healthy for one person in a relationship to constantly subvert their own needs. Bu...

You are right, I will take both sides of the real him. I didn't think of it that way but I understand what you are saying.