Death My Sister Died Last Night

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ I have been thru this before with my bi-polar cycles, so I already sort of knew what to expect, I am just thankful it was not worse, I know without the meds it would be very bad requiring hospital intervention.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ Yesterday, was a good day, and today I am starting off feeling good, and nice and level....
I am not sure but I think I am exiting this seasons cycle. Thank heavens if I am right.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug: @recoveringfromptsd :hug:
I am thanking the heavens with you, hoping that yesterday marked the first day of a very long GOOD season! :tup: One day at a time is all we can do, thankfully. That's all I want to do anyway!
Thanks for the update!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ I agree, been through this before, and it always got worse over time, peaked a few days of pure hell, and the got better over time, and the whole time it occurred in was about a month or two. I am glad I am not with melancholy anymore.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Hi, My Friend, @recoveringfromptsd
I thought I would stop by to say "hello" and to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!:)

I hope you are still doing as well as you have been. You will likely have a few "downs" but that's to be expected. It is amazing that you have made it through all that you have, in a relatively short period of time.:tup: I am impressed anyway!

(My T has told me that I have to try to get used to "feeling uncomfortable" for a while, until the bad/sad or angry feelings pass) rather than trying to escape or not acknowledge them. I think you are a good example of doing just that, even though it gets REALLY uncomfortable...

Hopefully the weather is good where you are. We had some strong storms over :alien:the weekend, and the heat index was 110 degrees! Holy cow!

Take good care of yourself!
AKJ :)

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ I understand what your T is talking about, for me as long as situational uncertainty is not involved I tend to handle things very well most of the time even if they are uncomfortable. There is an exception however and that is a severe depression in a bi-polar episode (without proper medicine levels or no meds).

I am clearly out of the hard part of my cycle. And I have been feeling well. Had life crisis today, were moving in next session to the preparation phase of the EMDR (I got the appt two weeks from today to give me some time to prepare myself.)

So far I have handled things well, despite some stuff that was painful stuff.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Yes, you HAVE done well! You are doing exactly what you need to be doing. I am always impressed with how well you know yourself and that you recognize what you need very quickly!:tup:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ I thank you for being my cheerleader, it does help especially when I need it most, I am sort of apprehensive/scared increasingly as I get further in on this emdr process, as more and more I am having to process stuff that hurts more than I can describe. The hurting I know is part of the healing process, so I take it for what it is, something I must endure and live thru, what is important is that I hurt safely vs unsafely. So its a touchy process and the responsibility is on me to know and point out when I need to pause for a while or need help with something. I will get thru this, I have to get thru this, as the alternative is to not exist, because I can't continue to live with the misery my abuse created, I so I have to fix it or else.

But I am encouraged, the last few sessions have unlocked some things, that's a positive thing in the right direction. I hurts a lot though, I wish that was not the reality, but it is and I must face it.
:(

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( :hug: @recoveringfromptsd :hug: )))
I appreciate your kind acknowledgement, and you are SO very welcome! I truly am in awe of your determination in attacking the healing process! I am learning more than you know from YOUR journey towards healing. You realize that you have no alternative, and that is something that I have not considered in my own journey. My "alternative" has been allowing myself to "hide" by staying stuck in my behaviors that get me nowhere. I am blessed to have a home that has been provided by my parents (now, just my mom) but I realize now that it is part of why I have been able to hide. Being able to isolate, and do only the very minimum required has made me rather lazy in the area of healing. YOU have helped me see my world with my emotional and mental eyes wide open.

Choosing to dig deep, and move through your pain, just like a plow moves through hard, compact and dry dirt, is THE way towards living past your pain. You are an awesome example of what can happen when one chooses to LIVE, and break free of the bondage of continually wanting to end it all. Yes, it's painful....FAR beyond what words can describe...but DEFINITELY worth it!

...what is important is that I hurt safely vs unsafely.

OMG!!! THIS is SO PROFOUND!!! You have a way of saying things that enable me to have "lightbulb" moments, and this is one of those statements! It may help me in handling my moments where I lash out physically at myself in a way to move past any emotional pain. If I can catch my knee-jerk action, to change my actions, before I have a chance to act in a way that is ABSOLUTELY the wrong way, EVERY time, it will be a HUGE step that is needed in my own healing.

Thank YOU, for always being so open and candid about your feelings, fears, reactions, and state of mind! I really can't express how much you have helped me in my own healing.:hug:

"See" you soon!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

when one chooses to LIVE

In actuality I have chosen to live or die. Depending on the outcome of my journey.

to change my actions

Have you ever thought of next time you're in a crisis going inpatient at Sheppard Pratt's Trauma Disorders Unit (TDU), I would be nowhere or dead by now without my experience there. They taught me the coping tools to manage my PTSD. Maybe you should talk to your T about it. I would not trade the 26 days I spent there for anything. If it were not for them I could not do any of this.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ Right now I am in some distress, started with dealing with thoughts from recent EMDR process sessions which brought in new stuff that adds to the pain. Something I have to do, as this pain has been bottled up until now. On top of that my T has cancelled all her appts again for the second week (assume a family emergency), so by the time I see her next week it will be a whole month since I have seen her, and this is a time I need her most. I hope she does not cancel again or choose to not come back, people always seem to abandon me when I actually count on them to be there. If that were to happen, I don't think it will put me into that situational uncertainty that makes be have s/i, depending on the outcome of someone else taking her place, or no one which might put me into situation uncertainty and thus s/i if it seems my treatment path is falling apart.

Right now I want to scream and cry at the same time, but even with all this, I am actually safe right now. Just full of emotions.

So I am struggling right now with emotion regulation, radical acceptance and distress tolerance.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

@recoveringfromptsd
I am right beside you, cheering you on!!!
You really do have incredible strength, and I am sure that you were going to make it through this. Really REALLY SURE!!!:hug: