When is the right time to tell someone about ptsd in a relationship?

[Deanna]

've never heard of predatory ptsd @Deanna's Gap but there are definitely predators out there who can sniff out weaknesses in general and take advantag

Wrong words..manipulate is better. I had an early appt today with my psychiatrist and I think last night I was stressing about the early -bird appt. She added something to the mix of things, to try. Didn't really sleep well especially after it registered how strong hurricane Harvey is. I was stressing about other peoples stress ( lines of traffic) Houston.. OMG ( surrounding areas) So, it went from manipulative tro predator.

Some people are manipulative period. Beyond PTSD/paranoid. I'm not really that paranoid as a person but can get pretty confused when someone else is. I set off some triggers too, know tht I think abut it. ( I am very sensitive to smells so right off the bat, I blew it!) Oh well.. it happens.. I'm not really that paranoid as a person but can get pretty confused when someone else is.

As I said, if I were in a relationship after more therapy.. I wouldn't sweep it under the rug. because I am not like that. I think it would be far more important for me to not be so judgemental for the first two days/weeks. It's also a possibility that I might chose my life to do something else.

Love isn't guaranteed.

 

[Socha]

I think I'm going to take it slow. Like turtle with a broken leg slow and hopefully I don't miss the point between not knowing him well enough and romantically attached. He's on vacation for 2 weeks now anyway.
The problem is, that he's working in the same company and after I graduated I would want to work there fulltime and don't want them to know about my PTSD.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmm... that complication could be a blessing in disguise, you're pondering it now rather than acting and dealing with it from the back end. So to me (though doubtless most all would not agree) - question would be Job OR relationship, cuz there's no way I'd become romantically involved with anyone from work. Old school advice, I know but definitely advantageous to not mix employment and romance.

 

[Bristol]

Just another side of the coin but i have been with my husband for 10 years, 3 years married and he doesnt know about my ptsd or any of my history that brought me to this point, im not saying that is necessarily healthy but i decided long ago that it was my story, i didnt owe it to anyone. I might tell him one day but ill choose and ill be in control

 

[JoBo]

I usually don't tell people anything about having PTSD and only very close friends know a little about it...

I've recently got into a new relationship. I've started to drip feed him bits of information. He's already seen me triggered & asked me if I was ever abused in the past. He knows I've got issues with sex & says he wants to support me & wants me to be totally in control. He doesn't want me to feel pressured. I'm finding the drip feeding approach easier for me. Good luck & just share what you feel you can cope with. There's no rush.

 

[EmmaOwl]

You're making decisions based on what you want in your life.

and may god help us all.

 

[EveHarrington]

I agree with Albatross.....I think it's best to not mix work with pleasure. It has the potential to go very wrong.

 

[Socha]

I agree with Albatross.....I think it's best to not mix work with pleasure. It has the potential to go very wrong.

I agree and would probably give the same advice but in this case I'm ok with it for a number of reasons :)

@JoBo Seems like a good strategy and a great guy. Best of luck for you both :)

 

[Anarchy]

I had a five years long relationship with someone who I met through work. We went on to work in adjacent buildings on the same site.
The only issue which came up was one of "space".

With reflection, that was an issue with me, not with the relationship nor with the circumstances of living together and working on the same site.

I didn't have the confidence or the communication skills to negotiate better boundaries and time alone.

I was insecure, and was thinking that she would wake up and realise that she could get someone far better than me, so I never dared to do or say anything that I thought might "upset" her.

In my vulgarized transactional analysis terms, my felt need for time alone, was my discomfort with being emotionally intimate, and wanting to withdraw from interactions.

So, the problems with a relationship at work were down to me and not to the setting.

I don't know whether it was a good thing or a bad thing, that we were picking up the gossip from two departments, and could speculate about the office politics and dynamics of the place with a bit more info than just one of us could have alone.

 

[Brown Eyes]

Being a supporter...I wish my guy of 6 months, now ex, would have explained more to me instead of having to put the pieces of the puzzle together all alone. Before him, I had NO idea what PTSD was or what the symptoms entailed. Yes...he hinted to me about 'no sleepovers', spending very few morning together and not being good in certain situations like a big concert venue or busy restaurant. Of course, on occasion I experienced the fear in his eyes and suggested we exit or move to a better area of the dining room. He thanked me for caring about people but never actually shared HIS fears. It was like he did not want to admit he was freaking out inside because I might have thought he was weak? I knew him well enough to see his mood change and confidence diminish in a matter of seconds.

Not until I mistake-ably mentioned PTSD, in a text meant for someone else, did he realize that I knew. It was an awful situation for me...like I exposed something that I was NOT supposed to know. I gave a name to his suspicious behavior and he was so taken by surprise that our lines of communication fell completely apart for many weeks. It was like I had done something wrong or betrayed him which I had not? All of the sudden I was the enemy for exposing his illness? He was not mad but maybe embarrassed that I knew? Still not completely sure what happened or how to totally fix our relationship.

Oh how I wish he would had explained and trusted me enough to be there for him. Knowing the truth has brought me that much closer, in my mind. I have learned so much from this forum and actually think I am truly ready to accept him totally...if he will LET ME IN. I do not expect that will happen all in one long conversation but over time...one day at a time.

I think that being a civilian may have a bad wrap in that we do not understand yes...but we are able to care and to compromise if the sufferer is willing to help us. I do know that if we are left to make our own decisions and speculate on what our loved ones need from us...then we will all be left with emptiness, frustrations and unanswered questions. I will speak for myself and say that I love him more, knowing he has an illness than I did, not knowing. Before, I felt cheated and disrespected.

He and I have stayed in contact and we seem to be on the road to recovering our close relationship. With the help from this forum...I have learned enough to know what questions to ask him so that it sorta leads him into telling me just a little bit more. I need that!

From a supporter standpoint...give me credit enough to trust your instincts and my genuine feelings for my sufferer. Is it better to be alone or to be with someone who loves you and accepts you for who you are? I do not pretend to understand and never will, but I hope he will someday accept that I am here for the right reasons and here for him and everything that is HIM.

I apologize if I hijacked this thread. Every relationship is different but I think the core feelings are the same. I also think, from reading here, that supporters are not given enough credit for being able to handle not-so-easy situations.

Please do not take this as a battle but as a union of sufferers and supporters...we're all in this together...if you allow us to be.

 

[Brown Eyes]

@Bristol - WOW!

 

[EveHarrington]

Being a supporter...I wish my guy of 6 months, now ex, would have explained more to me instead of ha...

Like x1000!

You're an awesome supporter.
That was an incredible reply!
The world needs more people like you.