Victim-mentality - what is it & should i be concerned about it?

[Esterio]

The other day someone shared that their T had asked them if the knew what Victim-mentality was. We had a long conversation I came away shaking my head as I still did not understand.

I have come away questioning telling people much more about my trauma's, as maybe it will seem that I am looking for sympathy and am not being believed as I talk to freely about some of my experiences while lots have a hard time to open up, I now have trouble shutting up. I have been silent for my whole life it is time I want it out of me. The descriptions that I have of Victim-Mentality have more confused me than helped me to understand.

My Question is what is it? Should I be concerned about it?
Thanks for reading and responding to this thread
Peace be safe

 

[Justmehere]

Victim-mentality in a general sense would be like someone who refuses to tie their shoe even though they are able to tie it, trips over their loose shoelace, isn’t even injured, and then laments how terrible the shoe manufacturer is to create such shoes.

There can be crossover with something better termed “learned helplessness.” This term better recognizes that after sustained prolonged trauma, sometimes people give up trying and believe they are helpless when they are not. This term is used in studies on animals too. For example, if mouse gets shocked every time it tried to escape a maze, after while the mouse will give up trying to escape. Later, if the gate is opened without a shock, the mouse won’t still try to escape. They understandably “learned” to not help themselves in future situations.

If a therapist is using the term, I’d be sure to ask what they mean, and ask them to specifically describe what should be done differently.

Wanting to finally talk about the trauma after being silent for so long doesn’t suggest victim mentality to me.

 

[Esterio]

Victim-mentality in a general sense would be like someone who refuses to tie their shoe even though...

Hi Justmehere
Thank you for your response. Your explanations helps me to understand. I don't think either term refers to me with those parameters.
Peace be safe

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Here is a good talk:
Victim, Unashamed and Unsilenced | Dani Bostick | TEDxColoradoSprings

I am against the use of the term because it has been used to silence people for a long time or even to suggest that people are depressed because they have a victim mentality and if they change their thinking they will not be depressed.

If a person is going to therapy trying to get help that's an active step and it's contrary to "victim mentality". if the therapist judges the person maybe that is not the right therapist and there are therapists that are just plain old school bad therapists.

Another thing that helped me with just the term "victim" was to write down everything society and people and self-help books have thought me about being a victim. Example:
"Victims are lazy"
"Victims don't take responsibility for their lives"
"Victims blame others instead of worrying on their problems"
"Victims want other to feel sorry for them"
And many more. This are not my opinions but what I've been thought. Writing it down I started seeing that these judgements don't apply to me. That is not who I am.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Amen, @UniversalBeing!

 

[Esterio]

Hi there UniversalBeing
Thanks for your response. The Ted talk was very informative thank you. It made me look at being a victim a little differently. As that is what I have been is a victim of crime that was committed against me and I have been harmed by it. Since I have heard the term Victim-Mentality I have found it to be a term that is useful. It doesn't do any good towards removing stigma or having a positive effect on ones healing.
I have heard all of your examples of being a victim. I don't believe that is who I am either.
Thanks again
Peace be safe

 

[Sideways]

I think it’s one of those things that requires a bit of balance.

The reality is that we are victims of fairly horrific crimes. Sometimes denial steps in and tries to convince us otherwise, but we have been a victim. Fact. And there’s a degree of self compassion that needs to go along with accepting that. Together with a string of other realities that need accepting, like: I didn’t deserve it, it wasn’t my fault, etc.

The flip side to that is becoming overwhelmed with all that. Becoming overwhelmed with how “this was done to me”, and the “my life is in ruins because of them”. Sometimes that runs into helplessness (“I can’t fix my situation”), hopelessness, or even an inflated sense of entitlement (“people need to give me lots of handouts/accept my unacceptable behaviours”).

I don’t much like the expression “victim mentality” because it seems to infer that the ptsd’er has somehow become a bad person. When all it’s really doing is describing (very common) schemes that can develop with ptsd, that distort the way a person thinks and perceives their situation and the world around them.

But like all schemes, there’s extremes in both directions, so if you don’t have the “victim mentality”, there’s always the possibility that you’ve gone too far in the other direction (“it’s all my fault”). So, balance, and working through it with your T.

 

[mumstheword]

My ex used to use that term to shame me and keep me in denial. It was a manipulative ploy. I hated the idea that I was being victimized and it did support me for a very long time to stay in a destructive relationship because there was just too much shame associated with the facing of the reality that I had in fact been very victimized and was continuing to be manipulated, undermined, controlled and gaslit and therefore was still a victim, despite my denial.

From my experience its a dubious term that can be used to blame and shame the victim.

On the other hand, some manipulative type people will call victim instead of own that they, in fact, are the aggressors. Ironically, they can be the ones to use that term to deflect their own wrong-doings and responsibility for themselves. So in that regard and context, I am wary of the term and reasons behind using the term.

 

[deeplyloved]

Thank you for posting that video! So helpful.

 

[New]

Here is a good talk:
Victim, Unashamed and Un...

WOW! That video was amazing. I need to save it and replay it weekly.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

I'm glad you all love the talk! I found the speaker on Facebook and messaged her to thank her for the talk. She responded. You can thank her too if you want to.

 

[New]

I'm glad you all love the talk! I found the speaker on Facebook and messaged her to thank her fo...

I wanted to jump through my phone and thank her.