Relationship Dating combat vet who ghosted

[EveHarrington]

@WTF Happened: This baffles me too when the person was highly self-aware and valued...

Well, have you ever TOTALLY and COMPLETELY done something that was HELLA embarrassing and then never wanted to look back?

Yup.

We also don't want to have to grovel, have to apologize for this incredibly stigmatized disorder, be thought of as "crazy"...

The list goes on and on.

 

[sadgirl]

Well, have you ever TOTALLY and COMPLETELY done something that was HELLA embarrassing and then n...

Eve, yes, I have. I don’t have PTSD, but I did experience some trauma in my childhood that led me to some similar coping strategies and behaviors. Anger outbursts, shutting people out, fleeing, and it did not seem that I could control it. I cycled through friendships and relationships, and just kept moving forward. The embarrassment and shame compounded each time, which destroyed my self esteem and self worth, and led me to a severe depression and a very bad place. Yeah, that bad..... this was decades ago.

The way I was able to recover from that and find a way forward was to own that and take accountability for the way I treated people. I didn’t go back to every person I hurt to make amends, but I did with a few where the relationships had been signifcant. Some were not very understanding or forgiving, but I still think they appreciated hearing it. Therapy and a meditation practice helped me to learn to regulate my emotions and develop better coping strategies. I recognize the regulation part is more challenging for those with PTSD. I don’t mean to minimize that in any way.


So it’s from that perspective that I say, just moving forward is not a good answer. It’s my belief and my personal experience that it leaves damage in its wake for both the sufferer and the supporters who care and get involved in their lives. And that perspective is also the source of empathy, love, compassion, and forgiveness for my sufferer.

 

[EveHarrington]

Eve, yes, I have. I don’t have PTSD, but I did experience some trauma in my childhood that led me to...

But can you understand how many people aren’t to that place yet?

Some people never get to that place, sadly.

 

[LB226]

@sadgirl I've been following your posts. I've been in your shoes. Nine weeks have passed and not a word from my ex. My ex was in denial of the severity of his PTSD. At the end of our relationship he did and said the most shameful things I've ever experienced in a relationship. I have to believe as both @Freida and @EveHarrington have said, some of these people are so ashamed or embarrassed by their actions they will never look back.
After our break-up, I reached out to my ex via email and used words of compassion, love, empathy, forgiveness....all of it. He reply back by saying that if I were to ever contact him again he would report me to my professions board organization. I almost fell off my chair upon reading this. This was a man who professed to love me more than life, just a week earlier.
As @EveHarrington said, some simply are not in a place for compassion, empathy, etc.... Even though you may want to shower him in those things, as they are all good things, he may not be ready to hear any of it...temporarily or permanently.
I'm sorry you're going through this pain. I know it all too well.
Thanks again @EveHarrington and @Freida for your wonderful insight!! I continue to learn from your words of wisdom and experiences.

 

[Buttercup]

@sadgirl you said everything was great and then he just disappeared on you? That is very confusing. In my case(s) there was always a precursor to the blocking or whatever avenue it takes. Not that it made sense to me most times and was alsi very confusing, but at least I had something I could point to to say, ok he did this because I said that, kind of thing. Again, was still confusing and frustrating, but there nevertheless.

Do you have no way of contacting him or have you contacted him since he left?

 

[sadgirl]

But can you understand how many people aren’t to that place yet?

Some people never get to tha...

Eve, yes, I do understand that. Do I have the right to judge or have expectations of anyone on this forum who I have never met? Of course not.

I'm talking about one individual with whom I was in a relationship. This man who looked me in the eye and talked about how being accountable and earning my trust were things he valued. Who said that was what it meant to him to be a man. Who acknowledged PTSD behavior from the past that hurt people, and was embarrassed and ashamed, but owned it.

Do I give him a pass for what he does during a flare up of a condition he never asked for and is hell to deal with? Of course I do. Do I have compassion for what he might be going through right now? Yes, I do.

But when he gets his thinking straight in his head, as @Frieda said, do I expect him to have a conversation with me? Hell yes, I do. He may never live up to that expectation. But I still expect it. Because when I stop expecting that is when my respect for him dies. I'm not ready to let go of that yet.

 

[sadgirl]

@sadgirl you said everything was great and then he just disappeared on you? That i...

@Buttercup, as I've learned more about PTSD, I realize there were some signs of growing stress as we became closer. Things I thought were a little off at the time, but I didn't know what they meant. The effort to communicate, say loving things, and maintain our connection remained consistent, so I suppose I denied that anything was wrong. He never pulled away the way men sometimes do when they're losing interest. For privacy reasons, I can't go into too much detail here.

He has blocked me, but I do have one way to communicate. I made a couple of attempts awhile ago, but he didn't respond.

 

[sadgirl]

@sadgirl I've been following your posts. I've been in your shoes. Nine weeks have p...

@LB226, I've followed your story and my heart goes out to you. Hearing such harsh words from a person you trusted must be painful beyond belief.

 

[EveHarrington]

Eve, yes, I do understand that. Do I have the right to judge or have expectations of anyone on this fo...

Uhm, he may not be at the same point that @Freida describes. That is my point. I’d say most people who come here wondering what happened and why they were ghosted——well, they never end up with what they want, closure.

If he has blocked you, and you continue contacting him, you are crossing major boundaries. You are making it less and less likely that he is going to come back and ever have a rational conversation with you.

 

[sadgirl]

If he has blocked you, and you continue contacting him, you are crossing major boundaries. You are making it less and less likely that he is going to come back and ever have a rational conversation with you.

Eve, yes I agree with you, and @Snowflakes, and others who say the same thing. I come here when I have the urge to contact him, so I can get my own head straight and resist the urge. I believe all of you when you say it doesn't accomplish anything and is usually counterproductive.

I don't know what point he's at, but he sure presented himself as being self-aware and owning the consequences of his actions. I know that people sometimes want to see themselves that way, and present themselves that way, even when it's not true. Because of my experience with HIM in particular, I choose to continue believing him I'm not 'waiting' to rekindle our relationship. I'm living my life. My hopes are more modest. But I think what you expect from people is often what you get. So that's where I am right now.

I really do appreciate your honesty in sharing your experiences. It really does help to consider all the possibilities, and think about what might fit with the person I knew.

 

[Buttercup]

So, I am going to admit to something out here in the semi-open. I am extremely guilty of crossing those boundaries. I have done it time and time again. Even after coming on here and reading everything that says I need to give him space and silence. Knowing about the stress cup. I have left messages when blocked. When I'm not blocked I have sent multiple texts and have expressed hurt and anger and sorrow. I have contemplated sending letters when I am blocked. :rolleyes: I never have done that, though. Nor have I tried to message him on social media or shown up at his house. I'm trying not to appear too bad here :woot:

Lots of emotions in lots of messages, either voice or text. He has told me that he doesn't like it at all. I have to say he has been very patient with me and when I read and learn from here, I am so surprised he keeps coming back to me. But I am getting much better in this department, I swear.

I am sharing this to say - it is super hard to keep quiet when you are in that moment. Even if, in rational moments I know better, when I am faced in a situation where we are in some conflict (I can't even call them arguments) and we're in a discussion and then the other person disappears? Well, it's confusing and frustrating and can make a person act crazy.

So while I realize those are boundaries, they don't feel like fair boundaries in the moment. Or ever, really. It feels like I am being silenced and slammed in the face.

 

[sadgirl]

have left messages when blocked. When I'm not blocked I have sent multiple texts and have expressed hurt and anger and sorrow. I have contemplated sending letters when I am blocked. :rolleyes: I never have done that, though. Nor have I tried to message him on social media or shown up at his house. I'm trying not to appear too bad here

@Buttercup, OMG, I think about all these things on a daily basis. I only slipped a couple of times in the beginning of the blocking. Never went to his house or contacted him on social media. Sometimes the frustration is overwhelming.