Relationship Feeling helpless rejected care

[strong1am]

So my wife has CPTSD and is going through a major flashback time right now. It has to be one of the hardest abuse flashbacks she has ever had. I have done everything I can think of to take the kids and show her I care and am there for her. I gave her a hug and she pushed me away and I am feeling helpless. I told her that I love her and that I am concerned about her and want her to know that. She said that she “does not like the fact that I am concerned and care about her”
Is it normal for spouses or signifgant others to reject the care you have for them when they are going through tough flashbacks and struggles with PTSD? Some help from anyone would be appreciated.

 

[Supervixn]

Yes. She probably is trying really hard to mask her suffering and although your intentions are good and sweet, she needs time alone with just a few consistent (not pushy or too many) reminders of your concern, love and care.

Give her space, she will come around. She probably just wants to be alone right now. That's what I want when I'm in breakdown mode.

 

[One step at a time]

I am sorry you are both struggling. I don't know about normal, but yes, that's pretty common.

Here's a link to a post where I talk about why kindness can feel dangerous:
Back on the merry-go-round
To me, the great thing about the thread is that includes a bunch of different supporter/sufferer voices. So hopefully something fits for you.

 

[Friday]

Yep.

An example I use fairly often is the stomach flu. Because I have PTSD & I've had the stomach flu. The parallels are eerily similar.

How much do you reeeeally want a hug when you're puking into a bucket whilst shitting your brains out into the toilet? :wtf: Probably not a lot, right? Not only do you feel gross... But It's a biological imperative thing... You're busy right at that moment. Being touched, talked to, distracted, invited out for lunch; are things you might otherwise like a whole lot. Just not while you're sick as a dog.

 

[strong1am]

@Friday the example of the flu really helps me understand a bit more if what is going on in that regard.
@One step at a time thatvtgread also helped me get a good perspective that I hadn’t thought about as well.
@Supervixn thanks for your insight as well about space.
I am so new to all of this and hearing these perspectives from you guys who understand things that I don’t help me out a ton. Thank you for your support and help.

 

[shimmerz]

I told her that I love her and that I am concerned about her and want her to know that. She said that she “does not like the fact that I am concerned and care about her”

This makes perfect sense to me. If you think about it, and reframe it, it most likely will to you as well.

A flashback basically takes all of one's senses and hijacks them completely. Another time, another space, another world. The feelings that come along with that are next to impossible to describe. So, if you can imagine you seeing a truck come barreling at you while you are crossing the street (life threatening situation) and your wife is calling to you from the sidewalk 'Honey.... I love you' it may be a little bit difficult to be able to get into the love vibe from your pov, no?

That is exactly what is happening to her. She is in the middle of literally fighting for her life, her sanity, her grounding and most likely she is spinning out trying to gain control back. It is really difficult, if not impossible to deal with such a dichotomy at once. I think the best thing to do is to present her with love in a way that does not include any type of expectation. Be there, relieve the stress from having kids around as best as you can, and take everything she says right now with a grain of salt. She is re-fighting the battle of her life right now. It's incredibly overwhelming and takes super human abilities just to deal with the flashes. I am certain that she loves you, whether she can say it right now or not.

Thank you for being such an incredible support. It isn't easy work, there is no question. On either side.

 

[Supervixn]

So, if you can imagine you seeing a truck come barreling at you while you are crossing the street (life threatening situation) and your wife is calling to you from the sidewalk 'Honey.... I love you' it may be a little bit difficult to be able to get into the love vibe from your pov, no?

Perfect analogy!