What would you do? - continuing relationship after therapy ends

[Emotional girl]

I didn't lecture you,I gave you advice.I was looking out for you as I didn't want someone to take advantage of you.
It is your life and if you want to be friends with him then go ahead and do it.I can not tell you what to do ,it is pretty obvious that you need some kind of help and support with regards to this matter and maybe you can only get that from your T.
I really do wish you all the best for the future and hope that it all works out for you.

Please don't quote me again as I am now leaving this thread as I don't want to get into a arguement .Good luck with everything.

 

[joeylittle]

ok then, I wont even bother with it. I will just have him shred it.... I am so sick of this whole thing. I can't handle rules of people telling me who I can and can't be friends with. I'm done trying. I am probably gonna just ghost him and not go back.

Really, no-one is telling you what you can or cannot do. You're getting a spectrum of people's opinions on the issue of friendship and therapy, that's all. Don't give posters here any more weight than any of us deserve - ultimately, your life, your choices.

ya this thread ended up becoming a lecture on friendships not actual advice I asked for.

I think you're not seeing the number of people who are encouraging you to go forward with having this discussion with him...Gonna quote myself, but there are others:

I think it would help you to have as frank and direct a conversation with your therapist as you can. While you might get information you are unhappy with, it would put your mind at rest around some of these questions.

? Talk to him about it. Really. Of course it's also very anxiety producing. But you might be surprised how well you handle whatever comes up. And what comes up might also not be bad.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

most therapists and clients don't casually text each other on a regular basis.... about nothing therapy related..... and he has allowed me to "hang out" with him at his office on a few occasions when I was not in session and was not charged.... there is many "odd" and "friend like" things he does beyond support and be nice/funny....

Nope, most therapists don't and this is a HUGE red flag to me that A) y'all have zero boundries in therapy and that isn't good. Boundries help me tremdously. They are a guide for me as bumping up against them is like a rope in a dark room for me to hold to guide me. It is SUPER important to have clear strict boundries in therapy. And B) his ethics aren't there. That isn't a good thing. Therapist's potionally have a lot of power over their clients simply because of how a theraputic relationship works and so ethics and being ethical is SUPER important. As are having boundries both ways. I laid my own boundries for my therapist as well and he adheres to them the same I adhere to his.

And I maybe wrong about this but therapists are not to even have the appearance of impropriety. Seeing you in his office outside of a therapy session and not charging you is absolutly an appearance of impropriety!

I am not sure if this will show up well but I found this page (page 401) in a book in a google search that is talking about this exact thing:

Handbook Of Professional Ethics for Psychologists: Issues Questions and Answers

Check it out. It's a good read!

I am not saying you are doing anything wrong. I am saying he is. I am also not saying he is a bad therapist. Transference has a counter part called Counter Transference and it has a name for a reason. Due to the uniqueness of the therapitic relationship these transference things can happen both ways. But there are approprate ways to handle them and talking about them is the first thing all guides to transference and counter transference says to do. My therapist makes it a point to bring it up once a month or so. It is a common topic because it is that common to happen. I still believe this is transferce and counter transference and it needs to be handled ethiclly. People may have made friends with their therapist but that doesn't make it ethical or right. Ethics are so important that Drs have to take the Hippocratic Oath which is about ethics.

 

[erigby]

I have been struggling with an affection/attraction for my therapist for over a year. He is very professional. We have a relationship outside of therapy (before I began to see him for MDD and PTSD) which really complicated things for me. I have been incredibly frustrated about the whole thing. I have talked with him about it to some degree. I have had sexual fantasies, desires to be with him in casual situations...the list goes on.
What you are feeling is very normal...and typical. Many therapists find themselves enjoying being with certain clients...I think this goes in any profession. Your therapist has an obligation to you...your health and well-being...not their own satisfaction or fulfillment.
I would venture you are a very likable, enjoyable person to be with. I would not be surprised if your therapist enjoys your company, your weekly/monthly visits. It is natural and good.
Are you prepared that that relationship may never go any further?
I have asked myself this question many times.
I am so grateful you have someone you connect with and can be honest with and grow with. This is truly a blessing.
It is difficult to say goodbye to those relationships. My hope for you, as I struggle to do the same, is to find those relationships with others outside of the therapeutic setting. This takes time and does not need to be rushed. Enjoy the time you have now with your therapist. Work to find those outside of the office who can fill some of those needs and longings.
Your feelings for your therapist may never go away. That is ok. My hope is you recognize there are others out there who can fill those spaces too.
That is the good work you and your therapist have done.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I have been struggling with an affection/attraction for my therapist for over a year. He is very profes...

No I am not at all prepared to not have him in my life, which is why I can't even think about ending therapy without wanting to throw up. I don't WANT other people though, I don't like social situations and meeting new people. I very much like my me time and hanging with my dog, and I have very few people I let in my life.... I wont be "finding other people" to replace him in my life... if anything I'll go back to the same life I had before therapy.

I wont be bringing this topic up anymore though, I already know the answer and I don't need to actually hear it, he may as well stab my heart instead

 

[erigby]

I posted my previous comment before I read all of the posts and replies.
It sounds like you are struggling with strong attachments and feelings toward your T and he/she is responding.
I will share...I text my T almost everyday...about mostly BS. In my darkest days he responded and it was helpful..."there is somewhere else out there." Now...mostly out of habit...I still text him almost everyday...but he doesn't always reply...and I am ok with that. A new beginning.
Slow and steady progress.
The hardest part for me is the guilt I feel for these feelings and the shame I feel that my T responds.
He has saved my life. For that I am eternally grateful. I have feelings for him because of it. How he feels I have no idea.
It is clear he values my life too. That has to be enough.
My hope for you is that it is enough. You are enough. He/She values you. It is clear. That is enough...where the relationship goes after therapy does not match the significance that someone you met under awkward circumstances has clearly showed you, told you, expressed to you...you are enough. You are interesting. You are fun. You are worthy of loving life giving relationships. And while he/she is giving that to you now...the ultimate goal is for you to have the confidence to find it elsewhere too.
I will not even begin to pontificate about proper therapeutic ethics...but I will say...to some...my T may have bent the rules...but it saved my life...both literally and figuratively.
I am forever grateful he took the risk.

No I am not at all prepared to not have him in my life, which is why I can't even think about ending...

I can relate. I promise. Please read my other post. I still see him every week...though we have talked about extending it to every other week. I just saw him today at a birthday party. I don't/can't picture how my life would be without him in it...but that's ok...I keep working at it.
Just keep working at it. It's ok.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I posted my previous comment before I read all of the posts and replies.
It sounds like you are strugg...

Ya I think in many ways it has helped me with the trust, comfort etc... but I know I can't handle dealing with this. I think ghosting him is gonna be best for me because saying goodbye forever someday will be awful. I hate that rules tell us who we can and can't be friends with.... adults should be able to decide, it makes me feel like I am incapable of making life decisions for myself etc... anyway, it's dumb and foolish to want the friendship guess I just got hopeful reading other stories from people who did. Of course, I'd find a great guy who I click so well with but rules forbid us to be friends.... ugh.... I think my introvert life will be my enternal future LOL.... oh well.. at least dogs exist still. I already know he will reject me because he "HAS" to, so no point in talking to him about this. I do wish though that we had never met.... or that I chose a woman.

 

[erigby]

I can relate. I promise. Please read my other post. I still see him every week...though we have talke...

and if he/she is any good at what they do...they are ok with it too...no matter how long it takes...and yes...in the end you may have found a great friend...and maybe not...just be ok with where you are now and be grateful you have found someone who has shown you you are worthy of meaningful loving relationships...that you are awesome...we are some of the lucky ones.
Allow his care for you to transform you. Don't be shy about talking about it (truthfully though I am on Talk Space trying to reign in my feelings it has been helpful...to some degree).
Yes I wish I had found a woman first too!
In the end though...it really is ok...and no...they don't forward any of us that as we are working through difficult shit with someone who is caring we may find ourselves desiring something more. That part sucks...because it is so real. and it sucks...did I mention it sucks?
It is painful. But it is not fake. Your T cares about you...it is clear from what you have said. That is enough. You are enough

 

[Rose White]

I do wish though... that I chose a woman.

Lol, I am married to a man and I have a similar problem with my therapist, who is a woman. I don’t think it’s a gender thing. It has to do with what you missed out on from the abuse. You deserve all the love and attention, but you are unlikely to ever feel it from another human outside of therapy until you start giving it to yourself. And it’s so frickin hard, so I’m not just saying that lightly. The critic will always be there, but if you let it be the pilot you will always be the victim. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh. You are trying to survive from past experiences. You are safe now. I am working on this very same thing right now, sometimes succeeding, sometimes flailing. I encourage you to be patient with yourself and to believe in yourself and your possibilities. I love my therapist so much and I want to call her every day, but then I use my bag of tricks, which includes posting on here, drawing, and trying to reach out to people in my real life—super hard, mistakes all the time, but every now and then something very fulfilling happens. So we take that and forget about the rest. Sending much love your way, from one dog lover to another. You can tell him and be okay. You can leave him and be okay. You can trust another person and be ok. Because you are protecting yourself now. Sorry if I’m assuming too much or projecting onto you—I’m probably saying this for my own benefit as well.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Lol, I am married to a man and I have a similar problem with my therapist, who is a woman. I do...

Oh I for sure would of not been this way with a woman.... I refuse to allow myself to open to women.... that comes from all the women in my family treating me poorly and then having female friends who did the same. I can only trust men with deep feelings/issues etc... so there would of been an easier way to have distance with a woman... I would not be in this pickle either if I had a male T with no personality.

It's literally the worst experience of my life, I will never do therapy again when I'm done this time. I'm glad it works for some but for me its not worth this hellish pain

 

[erigby]

Oh I for sure would of not been this way with a woman.... I refuse to allow myself to open to women....

It is incredibly painful. I don't know about you but it doesn't seem fair either.
Take a broken soul and give it a loving caring counterpart and damn...imagine...it gets complicated.
They don't tell us this before we go. Over a year I've been battling it. It's all still there.
Don't give up. Inside of it all is really some powerful healing balm. It just sucks.
And you know what...no one can predict where your relationship will end up. The fear of rejection due to his profession is real.
Own it! You are amazing. I promise. Let it transform your life. Live into your awesomeness. Let that love and affection and appreciation for who you are explode! Because that's what it is... you have found someone who loves you and appreciates you for who you are and all the crap and all the drama and all the whatever...and others will too...I promise!
Let your T love you. There is nothing wrong with that. Love him back. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I stupidly decided to bring this issue up anyway and it backfired horribly, I nearly walked out and feel like never going back now. My trust in him has been drastically cut. I didn't suspect a yes but gosh, this was the worst possible no ever. I feel beyond worthless right now. Never again will I tell someone how I feel about them. Nope. done with that.