Relationship Update...girlfriend with ptsd forces herself to leave me

[EveHarrington]

If we get back together some day is there anything we can do to help avoid that from happening or is this just part...

Do you mean are there things you can do as to avoid isolation periods?

I think it’s important to recognize that she may very well need lots of alone time for the rest of her life.

What do you personally see as “isolation”...?

I ask as the term “isolation” is a very broad reaching term. Some just need a few hours of uninterrupted alone time and they’re good. Others need much more time in isolation. Everyone is different. And every supporter is different in how much alone time is comfortable to them.

Flexibility is the name of the game. My last ex didn’t like that I needed so much time to myself. He even said that we had to go to bed and wake up at the same time as it was important to bonding as a couple. <laughs> I have severe insomnia at times and pressuring me to be in bed did not help when I just wanted to be alone. But, I digress...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If we get back together some day is there anything we can do to help avoid that from happening

Isolation is going to happen. Period. Some more then others. A family I follow on youtube that I talk on here about (cause they are so open and honest about PTSD and their marriage & kids), It's US, she needs a few hrs give or take a day. So when he gets home from work, he takes the kids (and the camera) and gives her that downtime. Others (like myself) can isolate for months or even years. But isolatation, whether it be a few mins, hrs, days, weeks, months, or years will happen...likely forever.

Giving this a read will help explain why:

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

Cup overfills, we isolate to protect those we care about most from the shit hitting the fan (whether that be externally or internally - directly or indirectly - shit hits fan generally some how) and we don't want those we care about to get a shit splattered face cause that will happened FOR SURE when that cup is overfilling.

 

[shimmerz]

I used to have a room that I would go to. I stayed there as long as I wanted without anyone chatting with me, trying to fix me (as I felt at the time I was unfixable), and all of my duties were relieved from me. Sometimes I would stay in there for days. That was the safer way to have me isolate. Much safer than wandering around on the streets for days at a time.

The thing is, I would do that because I couldn't handle any more sensory stuff. I was completely overwhelmed by freaking everything. So isolation, for me, wasn't about anything except I had to have quiet, be allowed to do what I did (even if that meant sitting motionless in a chair for days. I came out when I came out. No questions asked.

That stopped me from having to run.

 

[Freida]

The biggest challenge I see with supporters is that they want this to make sense -- and it wont. Period. PTSD is a nightmare and the idea that you are dragging those you love with you to hell is sometimes too much to bear.

There's a thread called What are They Thinking -- you might want to take a look at that. It's about what is going on in our heads (well - mostly mine but there are others who have offered their thoughts too). It might give you a look at what you are up against....

 

[Matthew123]

Thank you all very much for the insightful knowledge. I am going to my therapist tomorrow to try and make more sense of things and talk everything out. This has all been very helpful.

 

[Justmehere]

To update, last night my girlfriend forced herself to let me go and officially breakup and I accepted to help ease the pain and guilt she is in.

Acceptance of the limits of a sufferer can be hard, but it’s really good and helpful thing to do.

I have made the decision to step back and move on with my life so I can take some stress out of her life and allow her to recover. I believe in everything playing out as it should and if it's meant to be for us then God will bring us back together.

This is really wise. Glad you are talking it out with your therapist too.

 

[wishball]

Girlfriend loves me but...

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/girlfriend-loves-me-but-says-cant-be-with-me.83068/
Hello, I can only speak about my own situation but I am a person that has called off or sabotaged my relationships. I think in a huge part because I try so hard to be "normal" or not have PTSD that it becomes overwhelming. I feel terrible for what the person has to put up with. Many times I just give up because I don't think my partner will ever understand. It is very overwhelming for someone to feel forced to not have PTSD when it isn't something they didn't invite into their life. I think to me, I will stop running when someone can say, I take you just as you are and this is something that we will face and deal with together. I'm sure many people have said that to those who have PTSD but it is one thing to say it, but your actions must mean it.

Acceptance of the limits of a sufferer can be hard, but it’s really good and helpful thing to do....

I believe accepting limits is fine. But there is nothing wrong with checking in to see if things have changed with that person. It shows that you backing off was for their sake but you are there and care. If you just cut contact then they will think you gave up. I know for myself that if I'm triggered I will end things, and it is because I'm in the moment, I don't think of the future. That is where a person who doesn't have ptsd comes in and can say "I understand you need space" but then just follow up with a casual check in, go for coffee - something really relaxed.

Isolation is going to happen. Period. Some more then others. A family I follow on youtube...

I can not understand why when tension is building and someone knows I have PTSD, why they simply can't give me some space. I don't even ask for much, maybe an hour. It gets to the point where they don't give me space, don't stop talking and so I'm like....I'm out of here. It is like I'm trying to let the air out of the balloon so it doesn't pop and the other person keeps filling it.

 

[Freida]

This!!!!^^^^^^

 

[Matthew123]

I believe accepting limits is fine. But there is nothing wrong with checking in to see if things have...

The hard part for me is that I am the one who unknowingly triggered her and she now views me as her past and... as much as she says she misses me and says she loves me... she can't bring herself to even see me for a cup of coffee right now.

My only option at this point is to just let go and give her space and see if she can view me agian as the person that her heart views me as.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I thought that it was only me going through this.i never thought that I could have been the one who triggered him and caused him to view me as his past.

 

[Matthew123]

I thought that it was only me going through this.i never thought that I could have been the one who trigge...

BJ... It seems like we are going through similar things.

I would love to hear more of your story and what you have done and how you are'/have gotten through it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

unknowingly triggered her

the one who triggered him

It is our job to manage our triggers. It isn't your job to try to avoid them.