General What are they thinking?

[lostforgottensoul]

I bail for many reasons. Needing to feel safe is the #1 reason and #2 reason which generally goes together is saving others (usually those I care about but even those on this site since i have and still am isolated from here) the shit hitting the fan and saving them from a shit splatter face. Basiclly I'm a snow ball running downhill of symptoms at those times, its getting worse, and I dont want those around me when that comes to a head and deliver mass quanities of shit everywhere and why keep supporters around just to accodently unload wll of it onto them? They don't deserve that and did nothing to warrent it so I isolate.

But I'd say fear, panic, and needing to feel safe again is at the top of my list and I will go to extremes to feel somewhat safe again. It is all that I can think about. Being rational just isn't possible. To point it out that I am not being rational though is aaking for more shit hitting the fan in their dirrction. All I can think about is I am not feeling safe and how to feel safe again.

 

[Hojay]

I dont want those around me when that comes to a head and deliver mass quanities of shit everywhere and why keep supporters around just to accodently unload wll of it onto them?

I'd rather know this than suddenly, out of nowhere, have shit splattered across my face. How likely is it that you'd tell this, exactly as you did here, to your supporters? Because there's even a sense of humor in it, and if my partner told me this, with exactly these visuals, I'd really happily just say thank you and please, by all means, go take your time. Unfortunately, for some reason, he doesn't or can't. And so he isolates or "needs to go calm down" not within the context of not wanting to spray shit were it doesn't belong, but of it somehow being other people's fault. I guess it's a different level of self reflection you need in that moment to be able to communicate it as you did here...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How likely is it that you'd tell this, exactly as you did here, to your supporters

I've learned very quickly not to share whats in my head to my "supporters" (using the term very loosely and for lack of a better term) as its never understood and then I am told to just get over it, "give it to god", think positive, put it behind you and all of those things that do not help and make me furious! So i learned to just isolate and not advise why and whats going through my head.

If one shows understanding I may advise why if i know but many times i dont know. I only know i dont feel safe, need to feel safe, but I cannot tell you why i dont feel safe. That realization comes after i am back from isolation while self reflecting.

 

[Hojay]

I am told to just get over it, "give it to go", think positive, put it behind you and all of those things that do not help and make me furious!

If I were told that, I'd probably do the same thing. Who the hell needs someone to tell them to just get over it? I hear ya.

many times i dont know. I only know i dont feel safe, need to feel safe, but I cannot tell you why i dont feel safe. That realization comes after i am back from isolation while self reflecting.

That makes sense. I guess that's what I mean by self-reflection, which is a tall order for anyone, let alone when you're struggling with panic and feeling threatened. Could be that I'm naive about the process, but I have always been hoping that that's what time and therapy would/could do for my sufferer--shorten the time period between feelings and self-reflection.

But then again, incredibly difficult to do even when not suffering from PTSD. One reason I often believe PTSD sufferers (especially on here) are some sort of unicorn breed on the fast track to some form of emotional enlightenment...they don't have a choice but try and learn to transcend themselves. Us non-sufferers can live in quiet denial about our lack of self-reflection for the rest of our lives. All I want to say is, hats off to you.

 

[Freida]

How likely is it that you'd tell this, exactly as you did here, to your supporters?

This is so hard. I often don't realize that I'm "there" until it happens. Sometimes it builds slowly --like its doing right now. I'm noticing triggers, feeling untheathered, way to many intrusive thoughts. I've already put hubby on notice a "round" may be imminent. Then there are the ones that come out of nowhere. I wake up and I'm terrified and I don't know why. No one is safe -- I'm not safe with them because they will disown me if they find out the truth about me or they aren't safe with me because I bring danger. And yep -- you would think after all this time I would know its not true. But. All hail ptsd

One reason I often believe PTSD sufferers (especially on here) are some sort of unicorn breed on the fast track to some form of emotional enlightenment...they don't have a choice but try and learn to transcend themselves.

Love that!!!!

 

[LuckiLee]

@Freida, unfortunately no we can't put off the legal issues. He has been waiting years to get in front of a judge.

When he was at the VA the other day they mentioned doing (another) sleep study. This would be a three day exam. The majority of his problems are because of his nightmares. When he wakes up from them it can be really bad sometimes.

So in between the court dates he has a couple of important doctor visits he can't miss. His blood work has been abnormal for a bit and they are closely watching it. He's had a history of cancer due to depleted uranium.

It's all just one big cluster f*ck!


Thanks again for sharing your struggles with us. I appreciate it so much! XO

 

[Freida]

@LuckiLee Oh talk about crappy timing. Poor J. But the 3 day study sounds hopeful. hugs to you both

 

[Freida]

Let's call this Isolating Light or the Diet Isolate...

I just don't want to interact. I can, but I don't want to. I'm not into full out leave me alone, I'm just not interested in engaging right now. I'm not interested in going out, don't want to visit, don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to sit on my couch and play on my computer or read my book and be left alone. Why? Not sure -- may be related to a recent counseling session, might be time of year, might be weather. I'm jacked up and symptomatic and need to focus most of my energy on trying not to fall any further. Might be depression but it usually doesn't last terribly long. Few days, maybe a week.

Today I started to get snippy with hubby and stopped returning messages from supporters. So here I am, in the dark, on my laptop. If they are smart they will leave me be and it won't get any deeper, If they push -- I'm gonna go into full on isolation to escape them until I can get a grip on my feelings. .

So when you ask what you can do --- here' ya go........ Heed the warning shots

 

[Freida]

soooo....isolation. Bout that.

I totally forgot about the post I wrote above, so when T asked me yesterday if I was isolating I said nope, doing good. Then she asked me when the last time was that I left the house with the intention of interacting with other humans. Not just appointments and grocery shopping - actually talking with people....

Yea....I had to think about that and admit it was longer than I realized. I said I was interacting with people on this site and a couple others I follow. She says that doesn't count because I can control it. It might take me all day to get around to finishing up a post so it's not technically interacting.

I guess I am rating pretty high for depression right now, but I don't feel bad. I'm actually doing ok - I'm just not into talking to people. I'm quite happy sitting on the couch and watching netflix or surfing the net or walking the dog. Then I started thinking. I've had a couple text conversations with the sisters, but not really into it. I've talked on and off with hubby but hes got the flu so I'm pretty much ignoring him. And that's it. so yesterday I made myself go to besties for an hour or so and visit. Nuff said - I'm done.

I guess if I was looking at it from the supporters side I'm isolating. But I always equate isolating with negative emotions -- I'm angry, scared, whatever. And I'm not. If anything I'm just kind of numb. I'm not bitchy - I just don't want to interact. So - I guess it's isolating. Who knew?

 

[Bananamango]

I’m so glad I read this thread. I have probably given advice to others on here saying what they did or how they acted was normal because of their PTSD. But normal isn’t the right word at all and it would frustrate me.

Also @EveHarrington:

I'll get to my point in a second, but just as background: I mainly found this to help me be understand/be a better friend to a friend with combat PTSD, but did experience childhood trauma myself (discovered only two years ago when I realized with the help of a therapist that my childhood was not the same 'normal' one I thought others experienced and that things I experienced/remembered with the help of my old diaries were in fact pretty significant emotional abuse.). I guess my coping strategy of blocking most of it out helped me get by fairly well--but I never knew why I felt inexplicable emotional 'pain' my entire life, why I was sick a lot and developed chronic fatigue (that thankfully seems to be in remission for 15 years or so), nor why I loathed myself and had constant negative self talk, and felt like I was different and couldn't relate to others.

So, to my point--I remember reading somewhere that how we cope with trauma is a 'normal reaction to an abnormal situation.' And for me, that actually brought me some comfort. How I interpreted it is not necessarily that I was normal....but my reaction/response and poor coping mechanism(s) were how any child put under my situation would have reacted. I have always thought that there was something defective about me, or that I was just different from everyone else. Now I realize, and as I read more about how people deal with childhood trauma, that much of what I experienced is also experienced by others who have been through similar things. So it does appear that there is a pattern to how we as humans react to trauma....and for me, that did bring comfort. Many of us would likely end up as I am if put in my situation. And it helped me realize it wasn't my fault and there wasn't something wrong with me in how I'd responded--but did know I was still kind of f---d up by it and had a lot of work to do. Does that make sense?

Anyway, that's just my 2 cents on the 'normal' comments and maybe what people meant, or at least how I interpret it. I agree, PTSD or whatever you would call what I've experienced and how I am isn't 'normal,' but it appears we as humans, have some commonalities in how we respond to trauma....so I felt less isolated and defective. I felt comfort that others respond and go through it in a very similar way to me.... Maybe common or similar or shared or predictable reaction might be a better word instead of normal? So maybe I'm predictable, not normal? It's late, hope this is coherent....

 

[EveHarrington]

Also @EveHarrington:

I'll get to my point in a second, but just as background: I...

I have no idea how to search through 29 pages of this thread that spans many months to find what I have said that you are referring to. Can you please let me know the post #?......I have a feeling that I’m being misunderstood based on your reply.

I think with a thread like this, a quote works better than “@“

 

[Bananamango]

I love that you talk about normal people.

I wanted to scream at my therapist when she told me I...

Sorry, I wasn't sure how to respond to two people in one post. I'm still pretty new at this.