Is this self harm/self mutilation?

[anonymous]

About 10 years ago as I was getting out of an abusive marriage and had previously been the survivor of other sexual assaults I had a hysterectomy. I really had no medical need but convinced my physician and surgeon to do the operation.

I have hated my body since I was a child and blamed my femininity with being the reason for my abuse so I was determined to remove what it was that men wanted. I have been trying to determine if this is something that I should discuss with my t but I don't really know what to say, if it is really something to bring up or if I should just let sleeping dogs lie.

 

[shimmerz]

I would say that subjecting yourself to such an invasive treatment to 'remove what it was that men wanted' is something that should be looked at with a T. Most definitely.

 

[Muttly]

What matters isn't the label of self-harm/self-mutilation. What matters is why you did it and the impact it has had on you. It could be termed self-mutilation or, I suppose, described as extreme plastic surgery. Folks do have surgeries for non-medical reasons. The body-hatred that drove you do that and any fall out, emotionally or physically, you've experienced from that surgery are definitely worth talking about.

 

[anonymous]

I am just terrified of the judgement, the embarrassment, I have no idea how to bring the subject up at all. I think the reason that this has come up is because I met with a temp T while mine was on vacation and she asked the question of whether I had ever been in a healthy intimate relationship. It sucked like a punch the gut to realize she was right and I have never talked to female T so she took me off guard and it won't happen again but now I am left trying to process if this was a form of re-traumatization through self-mutilation.

 

[void]

I had a hysterectomy

self harm/self mutilation

Imo, no it wasn't. However, it is very clear from your post that the abuse you endured created a profound pattern of self-loathing/self-hatred.

I think you were trying to take some power back.

 

[Muttly]

I think a good t isn't going to judge. A good t would have compassion for you and what drove you to have the surgery. If it's hitting you this hard, it really is something you need to talk to. People do all sorts of things to their bodies to deal with their pain or to try to accept their bodies. There's all sorts of accepted forms of self-mutilation. There's surgeries to change your face, your weight, etc. There's incredibly painful surgery to make you taller. There's sex reassignment that man transgender folks choose to do. There's surgery that are outside what most people consider normal, like changing your lines in your palms so your fate can change and surgeries to give you pointy ears (like elves) or split your tongue. What seems shocking and shameful to you, doesn't carry the same emotional weight to a therapist.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it’s important for you to talk about this with your therapist given that your distress over being female lead to such a drastic action.

A good therapist won’t judge you.

Hugs.

 

[Freida]

The idea is not to judge what you have done - it's to discover the reasoning behind it. Did this make you happier in the end? Or sad? Or?
Finding out how you feel about your body and all the assorted parts is what your T will help you with.

And as mine tell me all the time --- they have heard it all and if they were easily shocked or judgemental they wouldn't be in the career field to begin with.

 

[Sideways]

I think that maybe it might be helpful to bring the issue up in the context of the issues that motivated you to get the surgery.

To me, a hysterectomy, just by itself? Isn’t something I’d necessarily need to discuss with my T. It’s the motivation behind it which, to me, seems more of an issue. The fact that your self-concept post-trauma has led to you getting surgery of that kind - because that’s the part that you heal. The self-loathing, the issue with intimate relationships (if that’s an issue). You’re looking to heal the things that motivated you to get the surgery rather than just discussing the fact of the hysterectomy.

 

[crackinthequandary]

Well. I'm reading about the "self-loathing and I understand, but I'm reading, "if I remove the parts that are sexually female; then I won't be a target"? Here is the thing though, the men or whoever, that hurt you because of the "sexual" nature of being a woman are "objectifying you", right? Really though, it seems like you would then also be objectifying yourself. You might be saying, "I am to blame because I am a woman, so in a way it's my fault as they are attracted to the femininity? You have to understand that that kind of assault by others isn't about that, it really is about control, or the selfish nature of others. Some people rape anyway, children, boys, girls, animals and so on. If you ever did decide to be in a relationship; there are those that would love you, just for who you are. It's like giving in to that mentality that the rapist instilled, or internalizing. It's not that uncommon, just so you know. It's not really "is it about me, but why do people hurt others in the first place. Do you understand what I'm saying?