Relationship Do yall still keep in touch?

[Sweetpea76]

My guy is a combat veteran who works extremely hard to treat me and everyone around him respectfully. That's what gentlemen do.

Ditto... mine too.

 

[Rugby02]

@Brturner13, Just as feedback, as of this a.m., with 32 days of silent mode, my cop and I are back again better than ever with definitive long-term relationship progress. (He has untreated PTSD and I have PTSD.)

Rather than focus on his issues, I adjusted my behavior according to Myers-Briggs. For instance, I am an ENTJ and he's an ESTJ so in essence, I said "Here's a plan (idea)" and let him "work the plan". You might try looking into it as well as watching/reading The Secret & sequels by Rhonda Byrne on Netflix. Oh yeah, Why Men Love Bitches is another great book too!!

Just my two cents--which may or may not get you far :)

 

[LuckiLee]

I keep thinking about this thread...

My guy wasn't the greatest person when he was younger and ignoring PTSD. He self medicated and had a few really bad relationships. Kids with a few different women. Two divorces. And on and on...

We always mention the honeymoon stage. J and I had that for about six months and then everything came crashing down.

HE decided he wasn't going to live like that anymore. He was 45 years old.

And I decided to be there for him through all of it. And he's able to let me be there. He stays. He shares. He works the freakin program!! He doesn't always like it. But he does it. It's that or push everyone away.

I guess what I'm saying is we're in this together. Through thick and thin. The anger. Fear. Frustration. Agony. Crying. Puking. Yelling. All of it!

He could easily leave but he doesn't. He stays because he loves me and is finally able to let someone in. Completely.

If he hadn't reached out to the VA and he never sought care. I would not have been able to live like that. I would have been like his ex's and hit the road.

✌ & to you and your Veteran.

 

[headshrinker89]

@headshrinker89 your post totally makes perfect sense.
We actually just talked a...

What I've learned about combat PTSD vets is that during times they want to run and push us away, even those bs conversations are something for them, they might be lying throughout the whole conversation but at least they are speaking. Combat vets are almost like a toddler who's getting older, say 5-6 year old range; this time of life the toddler still wants to be "babied" and wants to be loved all over, but they're maturing so they will fight you back on it, they will only cuddle with you on their terms. The toddler will have a temper tantrum when enough is enough, they will be dramatic to get their point across, say nasty things, cry, yell......but at the end of it all, they just want to feel loved. They want to be accepted for who they are, they want their independence, they want you to be close but not too close, they want to call the shots sometimes......I'm still speaking about the toddler, but if you picture your vet, with these descriptions, can you see the resemblance to some degree? I could be way off with my comparison, but this is my humble opinion as both a supporter and a mental health counselor. Just like toddler, Combat Vets,...at times want you to love on them and "baby" them but then they want their space and they WILL take it whether you like it or not. A toddler needs space to make decisions, grow, and to feel in control....as do PTSD vets. Combat Vets need their space, they need time to be themselves, they need time to get ugly, get pissed off, throw temper tantrums....but eventually this fit of rage will go away, emotions will calm down, and they will become that loveable human you'd do anything for; they will want you to cuddle them, cater to their wants/needs, make them food, watch that favorite show they watch all the time, and they will want you to make them feel safe.

My point to all that is...you walk a fine line between too much communication and not enough. Texting your ex, I think, is okay. During one of the times my Vet pushed me away, when we came back together, he told me that I have been the only person ever in his life to be consistent and keep trying with him, even though he pushed me away and said nasty stuff. And when he told me that, I knew the power that was given by random simple texts messages every now and then. Even if you send your Vet a text, and he ignores it, he will at least feel less alone. He will know someone is out there, someone who accepts him for him. So, if you feel like you can handle texting him, go for it, I think it would help him. But you gotta do what's best for you and sometimes when we don't communicate with them, is better for the time being.

 

[headshrinker89]

I keep thinking about this thread...

My guy wasn't the greatest person when he was younger and ignori...

Glad your guy reached out to the VA. Remember, mental health is medicine, but unlike cancer or high blood pressure, you can't have a quick fix or correction. You can take chemo to get rid of cancer in as little as a few weeks or you can take one blood pressure pill and your bp can stabilize in minutes. Mental Health is a process...the brain is a sponge, linked to our emotions, so it took people years to get to where they are it with their emotions, so its going to take years to unravel a lot of the garbage that the brain soaked up.

 

[Freida]

Combat vets are almost like a toddler who's getting older, say 5-6 year old range; this time of life the toddler still wants to be "babied" and wants to be loved all over, but they're maturing so they will fight you back on it, they will only cuddle with you on their terms.

I laughed so hard I spit out my coffee! This is the best analogy I have ever seen!

 

[RRT13]

@headshrinker89 love your input! I actually have a 6 and 7 year old so makes a lot of sense as well as with my vet.
Ive told him before hes my man child and I will take care of him. I actually liked spoiling him and he told me no one ever had so I know he enjoys it too.
We're still keeping in touch almost daily. We've sent a few pics of each other back and forth being silly over the weekend. I gave him a few days of not contacting him so maybe he's coming back around. Patience is not my best feature but hes teaching me all about it.

 

[RRT13]

"On his terms" seems to be a reoccuring theme with us.
I text something to start a convo. Ehh hes not so into it. But lately if it's his interest and no emotional attachment to the convo he's all about it.
So do you think its more letting him come to me for convo in text first?!
Sometimes Im not sure what I'm doing. I dont ask about us or bring up emotions when we talk. Which makes me uncertain if hes pushing me away or still going through his rough patch. He will always amswer my texts even if its only a few texts.

 

[headshrinker89]

I laughed so hard I spit out my coffee! This is the best analogy I have ever seen!

Haha well I'm glad you found it to be funny too. It's a good comparison sometimes haha

 

[headshrinker89]

It's a good sign that he respond back to your texts....as far as "letting him come to me for convo in text first?!" There's not really one answer/response, in my opinion. It seems to be a common theme for PTSD Vets to not be connected to their phones or social media, so in that regards your Vet is acting the same, but everyone is different. For example my ex: he was the type to not really be on his iphone all the time, he naturally had a tendency to not text/call people back, didn't really like texting in general, and wasn't really the one to initiate random texts to me. I had a hard time with this aspect of him because I'm a communicator...I love the dumb simple texts, sending me funny memes, or just saying hey...so it was a difficult thing to adjust to. He would always tell me "don't take it personally, I do that to everyone." Which was very true and it did help to not know he wasn't purposely ignoring/avoiding just me. I do think this was a personality feature, for my ex, but I really believe his deployments, added with bad combat, mixed with PTSD greatly affects the lack of phone usage to initiate conversations with loved ones. For weeks at time, soldiers were cut off from friends/family, so the idea that they can call someone whenever is a weird feeling/concept. Also, if they don't have a "reason" to be contacting someone...they usually don't. When I first got into the relationship with my ex, he would say stuff like "there's no point in texting you if I don't have a reason to because I'm gonna see you later on." Again, I believe this to be part of his PTSD and how that greatly affects how vets do relationships but I also believe that was just how my ex was when it came to texting/calling. It would've bothered me if he wasn't intentional when we did hang out....when we were around each other, both of us never touched our phones and were just present with each other, he would ask questions about my day, just overall was intentional when were around each other.....so that really made up for the phone thing.

Sometimes Im not sure what I'm doing. I dont ask about us or bring up emotions when we talk. Which makes me uncertain if hes pushing me away or still going through his rough patch. He will always amswer my texts even if its only a few texts.

It will feel like you don't know what you're doing a lot, at least I did lol I would avoid talking about "us" right now or anything too emotional for him. If he's in a PTSD state of mind, even if minor, I'm not sure if he will respond well to those types of conversations nor do I believe he could handle it. My ex reallyyyyyy had a hard time with those conversations during times when his PTSD was slightly triggered. One of the times, he pushed me away, he told me that he can't be with me because he tries to deal with my emotions and wants to support/be there for me..but couldn't do it because he couldn't handle his own emotions. My ex would feel so guilty at times when I would express what a "needed" in the relationship because he felt like he couldn't give me that, so he would push me away to not feel bad. I think its safe to say that he's not pushing you away due to him always responding back to you, great sign. You're gonna learn how to be more fluid and go with the flow when it comes to dating a combat vet; as "hard" as they are and "black and white thinking" they very much are "go with the flow" type mentality. Many vets don't like to commit to things, even commitments to going to dinner with family...during deployment their days are given to them, they know what is expected to be done of them, and the only commitment they need to have is "keep my brothers alive."

In conclusion to this very long response lol In my humble opinion...its all a balancing game. Combat PTSD will manifest itself the same with each vet who returns home, but how that manifestation is displayed can be determined by their personality or if they have other underlying issues.

 

[headshrinker89]

I just had two break ups in under a month with my ex (vet). This last one he accused me of being "fake"...

Of course you weren't the enemy, you vet knows this as well, but he will make himself think/feel this way because you're giving him unconditional love and support. Its a weird concept because one would think "if someone really wants to be loved and supported, why would they destroy it then?" Well PTSD is the answer as to why. It's a disorder, diagnosable, a disease that changes someone's life. Normal thought patterns and emotions, sometimes don't make sense coming from a person with PTSD in general, but I truly believe combat PTSD is different.

 

[Ronin]

Those alive, I tried.

Shrug. Still dont quite get it is not on me. To fix a thing, to take care of that or else.
Still not getting so much of relationships isnt (failing them, the work, other people, promises.).
Shorter form, No, we do not.

The others, I wish.