What is it you're not saying?

[Mach123]

What I'm not saying now I am saying because I shot my mouth off too early and of course the problem has yet to be resolved. It was probably good that I write about it here anyway. The therapist has been away, I was away. That's not what I was talking about anyway, not really. What I don't say, is what really goes on with me about sex? (no kidding right?) I hint around at it. I guess it's too (private) for me even so, I figure it would make other people (blush), and I have to do a lot of explaining if I actually try and talk about, it so I don't, because I hardly understand it myself, and I don't like having to say "no no it's different than that!" The therapist actually explained it to me. You'll have to ask her about it. Get back to me and let me know what she says? (Oh, I know she can't say anything!) I'm married a long time and nothing happens anywhere but in my head anyway. Is there a difference? I hope so. : ) Prudish, puritanical, missionary me lol.

 

[Changing4Best]

My therapist told me nothing replaces writing longhand but I won't do it. There is no way I am having...

I give it to my therapist and she keeps it! I agree, I would NEVER leave it here for someone to find it!!!

 

[Still Standing]

What am I not saying? A lot! But each time I type it out, I delete it all. So, I guess I can't even see it expressed in writing...heck with speaking it!:bag:

 

[Mach123]

I have been dreaming about sex a lot. Much more than usual. Three times in the past couple weeks, vivid dreams I remember. I love dreams. I experimented years ago with a dream mask to stimulate lucid dreaming. They came out with it again a few years back. Same product different package new sales pitch. I had to stop using it because it woke me violently. It would sense REM and flash a light in response so you'd remember you were dreaming. It worked a couple times, or I did have a few lucid dreams, but I could never do it consistently. I don't know why I'm dreaming about sex. My wife is pretty good about it, but not "friendly?" I can't talk and fool around about it, which makes me feel lonely. "I wanna talk like lovers do."

 

[Changing4Best]

What am I not saying? A lot! But each time I type it out, I delete it all. So, I guess I can'...

I can totally relate. I do this too. The "save draft" thing drives me nuts though. I delete it and it puts it right back there again, until I overwrite it with something else, so I always have to end up "saying" something. ;)

 

[Mach123]

I delete at least as much as I post but if it's long and I worked on it (especially on my phone it's hard to type I have to correct a lot) I save them like in notes and maybe I'll be able to post it someday. It's not that I don't want to say it always either, sometimes I'm afraid one of my not nice voices will offend someone? Or if it's pornographic? It's probably not, but I just "can't talk like that?" (I mean today people just say whatever!) Which is one of my parts and my wife, who has never let me talk like that. Which I miss because I like it (sometimes)

 

[piratelady]

What am I not saying? I need help and I feel invisible and when I am noticed I don’t fit in. I could disappear tomorrow and maybe two people would care... maybe.

 

[Changing4Best]

HI @piratelady I like your name.

 

[frogthroat]

Everyone is meat and life is completely pointless. Acts of violence mean nothing. Half-assed rites of passage mean nothing. I want to douse myself in gasoline and light myself on fire. I want it to be brutal as self punishment for my weakness and also for onlookers to be traumatized. I want to be remembered by someone as a person and to fit into the standards of what a person should be.
I don't want to wake up and see the sun anymore. I don't want to hear the birds chirp. I don't want to eat or drink. I don't want to masturbate. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to long for something I don't quite understand anymore. I don't want to talk. I don't care anymore.
Only death can truly liberate me. To not exist would be the biggest freedom.
I can't form relationships because I hate everyone and I hate myself. Life is unnerving like an unblended portrait. I f*cking can't stand the sound of other people's voices. It takes everything I have to make it through the day. I'm waiting to die. I f*cking can't remotely stand any moment of consciousness. I would reenact the death scene from Soilent Green in five seconds flat.

 

[Mach123]

Everyone is meat and life is completely pointless. Acts of violence mean nothing. Half-assed rites o...

There is always the emergency room. I'd admit myself if I felt like that. I don't and I'm sorry u do. I like drinking but it makes me feel like you do on a much smaller scale now so I don't do it mostly. You can pm me if you want I'm here. I hope u feel better.

 

[FragileGlass]

My partner is always on top of me for little mistakes I make around the apartment. It’s to a point that every little thing I do gets brought up. She’s aware that I have PTSD: What I really want to say: Please shut the hell up, I’m sorry I’ve rearranged the dish cupboard by accident every time we do dishes, however from the dish rack to the cupboard I had ten flashbacks, I’m sorry I put the fabric softener sheets in the washer instead of the dryer. Yeah I know you prefer the toilet paper roll facing down. I don’t give a damn which way it faces so long as I am on the couch again not ready to pass out from the panic I am feeling.

I try to talk to her about things and explain why I am so absent minded these days. But, it gets so damn tiring to have to start the whole process again and especially over such trivial things. If I’m leaving the car in drive instead of park with the engine on. Yeah we have a serious problem and I’m willing to listen. Right now, I don’t care if the hand towels go to the right of the big fluffy ones.

Gotta run, I think I may have put the toilet paper roll in the wrong direction again.

 

[Mach123]

I just thought of something. I can't 't talk about me and how I feel because I think "what if I heard me saying this, what would it sound like?" I'm like no. I Wouldn't want to hear about that. In therapy I am someone else and I say it. I can only do that with the therapist there. Now, that feels like disassociation.