Relationship she shut me out

[concernedboyfriend]

Besides, I am living my life. Met someone. Guess what condition she has? The ride never ends. Taking it slow, casual, using lessons learned about PTSD. It will take time to disentangle my feelings. Don't believe in rebound. I'd say old girl has another month or so to contact before things become too serious. I don't want to hurt anyone. No point in waiting beyond her trauma anniversary anyway. These sorts of women always approach me, this would be the third in a row with trauma. I must have some kind of aura because I never initiate.

 

[blackemerald1]

These sorts of women always approach me, this would be the third in a row with trauma. I must have some kind of aura because I never initiate.

Oh really? So you think there is a type of woman, a 'sort of woman' that always approaches you... the broken/victim/suffered trauma type I'm guessing?

What do you think is attracting these 'sorts of women' to you? Do you think you might be a saviour/rescuer type?

What sort of aura do you think you have?

 

[concernedboyfriend]

Oh really? So you think there is a type of woman, a 'sort of woman' that always approaches you... the broken/victim/suffered trauma type I'm guessing?

What do you think is attracting these 'sorts of women' to you? Do you think you might be a saviour/rescuer type?

What sort of aura do you think you have?

I don't know. All I know is, that I don't usually approach women, and everytime I am approached, they're like this. As for the savior/rescuer type, I have a friend whose wife has PTSD and he admits himself to be such. I guess I'm becoming one, because everyone comments on how empathetic I am towards people and I really wish I could help others. I'm actually on the path to becoming a social worker if that says anything about me.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't know. All I know is, that I don't usually approach women, and everytime I am approached, they're like this. As for the savior/rescuer type, I have a friend whose wife has PTSD and he admits himself to be such. I guess I'm becoming one, because everyone comments on how empathetic I am towards people and I really wish I could help others. I'm actually on the path to becoming a social worker if that says anything about me.

If you truly want to help people, I hope you can understand the difference between being a rescuer and being a supporter. Sometimes it’s a fine line, but it can mean a world of difference.

I used to always end up dating guys who wanted to fix me. My current guy knows he can’t fix me (nor does he want to), but he supports my efforts and desires to change for the better. He knows my struggles are significant. (His are too, just in a different way.) We support one another with the agreement that if something is serious, we will help the other person get the help that they need to get better. This helps provide maximum support and minimal “fixing” behavior.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm actually on the path to becoming a social worker if that says anything

No it's says nothing much about you at all... bit vague. What does that even mean and why is that relevant? You are not qualified to meddle in the psyche's of other people. You are not managing your own personal relationship very well so beware of allowing anyone to gravitate towards you for 'help'. Anyone can get a qualification. Not everyone has the right attitude to be good at what they do.

Maintaining boundaries between ones personal and professional life is possibly one of the most critical units of study one can undertake. I'm sorry but obviously you haven't got to that part of your studies yet. If you have revise. It's important for your long term health and future relationships.

Being empathetic is a far cry from becoming like your friend. Have you asked his wife what it's like being under the pump all the time with a husband who is a fixer/rescuer/saviour type? Maybe you should.

People with PTSD generally don't gravitate towards fixer's because they (the fixer's) become frustrated when the sufferer doesn't respond in the manner that is expected ie fixed up.

Finally, do you actually exert any choice over who you will date or do you always allow them to pick you?

 

[concernedboyfriend]

Meh, you guys don't know me or her and are so far off the mark that theres no point in continuing here. I'm not some fool that thinks he can "fix" (whatever that means lol) a mental illness.
Anyway, had a heart to heart with a mutual friend/ex of hers and it's really cleared my head. It's all gonna be okay. Whatever happens, happens. Thanks for the insight anyway. See ya

 

[EveHarrington]

Meh, you guys don't know me or her and are so far off the mark that theres no point in continuing here. I'm not some fool that thinks he can "fix" (whatever that means lol) a mental illness.
Anyway, had a heart to heart with a mutual friend/ex of hers and it's really cleared my head. It's all gonna be okay. Whatever happens, happens. Thanks for the insight anyway. See ya

PTSD relationships tend to play out in typical patterns so it may seem like we’re off the mark, but there is truth to be found in what we say. We live this every day whereas you’ve had a momentary brush with the disorder. I hope that if you do become a social worker that you aren’t so dismissive of those who walk the walk every moment of every day.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

PTSD relationships tend to play out in typical patterns so it may seem like we’re off the mark, but there is truth to be found in what we say. We live this every day whereas you’ve had a momentary brush with the disorder. I hope that if you do become a social worker that you aren’t so dismissive of those who walk the walk every moment of every day.

Eve, you've given the best advice and I appreciate that. But others just want to belittle me for the crime of being in emotional pain, throwing out accusations about my personality. Painting me as a bad guy. Never wanted to fix anyone, just support them. My friend loves her husband so that kind of set me off. Not my fault that I may have BPD. I'm working on it every week with my Doc. Gonna hold on to hope, provide space and see what happens.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

I told her that I tried to move on but couldn't make myself feel for anyone else. She said she didn't want me to feel that way. I know ptsd makes them feel like they aren't good for anyone. I'm just too heartbroken. I guess it really is over. I wish I had been stronger. I've been with other people for longer, yet the circumstances of this are so much more painful. I've cried alot. I try not to feel like its my fault, that she needs treatment. But its so hard.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Take the time you need to work things out for yourself. If you're getting feedback here that is unhelpful for you, let people know. You have the right to process this at the pace that feels right to you and in the way that feels right to you.
Everyone here has that right on their journey.
If the people trying to help you here are overstepping the mark and just criticising you, it's okay to set a boundary for yourself.
This is your journey and only you can work out what you need to do.
Sure, there are a lot of "patterns" to these relationships and those that have been in them before can be impatient for others to "move forward", but you will have to work it out for yourself, to a large degree.
It can be good to hear critical insights, but being criticised a lot is rarely helpful in working out the right way forward.
Be clear about what support you want and what is helping you, so people can offer you more of that.

you guys don't know me or her and are so far off the mark

If you feel people aren't hearing you or are invalidating your experience, let them know.
You're absolutely right that you are the only one here that knows your situation first hand.
I know breakups are inherently confusing, so it might be hard to clearly express your thoughts about this stuff at all.
Your feelings may be all over the place and contradicting each other from day to day.
Anyone who's ever been through a painful breakup knows this and can relate.
So take your time to work out what's going on and what you would like support with.

Not my fault that I may have BPD.

Can you clarify whether you mean Borderline Personality Disorder with BPD? As far as I'm aware that's the official abbreviation. But I know some ppl use "BPD" as an abbreviation for Bi-Polar Depression too.
If you mean borderline, can I ask if you are getting help/ therapy for this?
I wonder how borderline impacts your relationships? As far as I'm aware it has a huge impact on relationships, much bigger than even the impact PTSD has on relationships.

 

[EveHarrington]

i told her that I tried to move on but couldn't make myself feel for anyone else.

Moving on isn’t just a matter of getting together with someone else. I’d argue that most of the time it’s healthier to move on alone as that gives you time to heal the pain of the last relationship and not just cover it up with the rush of a new one.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

I've never experienced something like this. To lose someone to mental illness, not because we didn't match. The worst part is that being friends is the only way I ever cope with break ups. But I don't know if she'll ever feel comfortable. She could be friends with exes she fought with, but me? I dont know. I'm afraid to bother her. I'm going to get a different job and move to a city. Meet new people and start over.