ED Disordered eating

[VioletButterfly]

Keeping an eye on your progress and cheering you on from the sidelines. You are doing such great/inspiring work! Best to you!!! VB

 

[ms spock]

Keeping an eye on your progress and cheering you on from the sidelines. You are doing such great/inspiring work!

Thanks VB! The feedback and cheering from the sidelines is much appreciated. It is really hard work. Really worthwhile work but really hard for me to do. I am slipping and sliding at times, but I am so much improved it is amazing really. I am almost at the weight of being at the top of my BMI so I will be out of obesity. This is wonderful in terms of managing my chronic pain issues, and of course the many health benefits for me. It decreases my risk of diabetes, stroke and certain types of cancers.

I am doing it. It is not easy but I am doing it

 

[ms spock]

So I was doing well, then I wasn't doing well. But still overall better.

 

[ms spock]

I feel weird, now that I am not chronically overeating it feels very different to be in my body, and I really don't know how to manage the change yet. It feels really different!

There was a time that I felt so needy and desperate for love and care, that I could never turn down food, as food was my family and friend, bit by bit I am improving so much. I am starting to meet my own emotional needs. I am willing to validate my own feelings. I am not eating all the time to numb out and be checked out of life. I did really well yesterday I didn't eat when we went to a cafe as I knew I wanted to eat later, a dinner, at a friend's place. I didn't want to overeat. I did do a bit of comfort eating before I left, but overal l am still doing so much better. So I had a cup of peppermint tea.

 

[ms spock]

I had a deep craving for food, and wanted to comfort/binge eat, so I got myself out of the house to manage myself.

I also went to a cafe and ordered a peppermint tea and custard tart, I bit into the custard tart and it was stale, and I left it on the table. There was a time I would have just scoffed it anyway but now I am being able to be more discerning. I am changing.

 

[ms spock]

I am back struggling with my eating again. I comfort eat yesterday. I ate a lot of extra food on Thursday, I felt so vulnerable and hurt by my partner. I am trying not to eat too much, but sometimes I forget to eat a meal, and I spiral outwards with that and eat a lot more, so eating regularly, decent meals with proper portion sizes is important.

 

[ms spock]

I am struggling with eating like usual at times. I am okay sometimes, but eat out of habit, and not emotional need. But I am definitely changing so much around my eating, and being present in the world. It is a huge, substantial change in my ways of being.

I need to feed myself three regular full sized portion meals per day with a few snacks. If I don't eat a regular full sized portion meal then I get stressed and I overeat, so not denying myself food is a really important thing to do for me at this time.

 

[ms spock]

So it is just a struggle, being on top of this disordered eating thing, it is a struggle. I am so different from how I was at the beginning of this year. I am not numb all the time from food now, though I do slip and slide at time. I am still obese but only two kilos from the top of my BMI. This is phenomenal. I am struggling. She was a lovely woman. I feel so bad because I didn't ring her this week when I found out that she had cancer. But of course that doesn't make any difference. It is just a shock. Oh dear. That his him and her dead within a year of each other. She was so strong and vital though. She was so with it.

 

[ms spock]

It was really hard this morning. I just wanted to keep eating, and be numb. So I am changing and I didn't comfort eat but it was hard. I had a cup of water before breakfast. I had lasagne, garlic bread with a large salad of lettuce, carrot, celery, and snow peas and a cup of peppermint tea. I had a cup of water afterwards. This is breakfast this morning. It is part of my eating better strategy. I am really working on nourishing myself. I stopped myself from eating more. It was hard. I did it though.

 

[ms spock]

I really want to binge eat last night but I didn't. I did have some fish, some soya beans, and two corn cobs. So I did eat but I didn't go and eat the whole loaf of bread.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Hey - I started an ED -oriented post for this, but just can't submit it yet. I go to an ED forum. but I never talk about ED. There is so much trauma, shame and brokenness underwriting this and then there's addiction. I don't know how to ask for help with this. I've seen doctors, nutritionists and therapists, but nothing has helped. I guess I did ask for help, but they failed and left me harmed to the point where they're now part of the complex trauma onion.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong? There is so much wrapped up in core beliefs, experiences, etc.. This, I know. So, I'm trying on my own again. Why can't I do this on my own? Can't I wave my own wand? I feel like I have to fix the brokenness in myself - me and God. That's how its always been and I guess how it is now. Sorry, just guess I'm a bit lost at this point. So sad as it's been sooo many years now.

I'm wondering if you had to reach a point in healing within yourself through therapy, life, or whatever so that you could be so honest with yourself and us.

I don't think I'm phrasing this correctly, but am hoping that you might understand and be able to decipher where I'm coming from and where I'd like to be on this path. Tks. VB

 

[ms spock]

There is so much trauma, shame and brokenness underwriting this and then there's addiction.

You are not alone with that! You are not alone. I have so much trauma, shame and brokenness as well.

I don't know how to ask for help with this. I've seen doctors, nutritionists and therapists, but nothing has helped. I guess I did ask for help, but they failed and left me harmed to the point where they're now part of the complex trauma onion.

That is really tough. I was rehurt and retraumatised by supposed individuals.

It is not a point for me @VioletButterfly but making the decision again and again, or even more importantly noticing that I am not making the decision again and again. It is a really gradual slow thing. And when you have complexity of trauma it takes a lot of patient and continuous unravelling. I am really just at the beginning of things. I have a lot of serious avoidance issues, and maladaptive daydreaming going on. I am very flawed and terribly slow with things.

If you like I can make some simple suggestions.

You can post some stuff here and we can chat about it if you want.

It is a lot of practising of new skills.