My mother doesn't care, I feel like she's trying to hold me back

[LanaD]

This is only partly PTSD-related but I thought maybe you all might help. My mother lives in my birth country, from where we moved when I was little but she moved back there years ago. Technology allows her name to often pop up in my messages but she never really cares what's happening with me and never seems happy for anything good I might mention. All she wants to know is when I'm "moving back home", no matter how much I tell her that her country is not my home.

When I was assaulted I contacted her because I was desperate and all she said was that those things happen and that it's worse where she is but that I should go "back home" (!!!) - whatever problem I have it's always worse where she is or she suffered worse and her only solution is for me to "move back home". IT'S INFURIATING! I don't know what I was expecting her to say but I was still surprised that a mother could say that to her daughter.

I still struggle with PTSD but things have been better, not thanks whatsoever to her or anyone in my family, and I never mentioned anything to her again. She continuously pesters me about when I'm going to visit and no matter how much I tell her to stop, that I'm busy, she won't stop. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!! Every time I see a message from her I immediately get annoyed and I started to realize that I let her hold me back. She really doesn't care about me, and when I do go visit she doesn't even ask me one thing about my life.

I just want to focus on improving my life, which takes quite a bit of energy, but I feel like she drains considerable energy from me and keeps trying to guilt trip me. I really wish I didn't have to deal with this crap right now but if I keep putting it off it won't resolve itself.

I do have an appointment with my new therapist coming up in the next couple weeks but my mother's texts started coming in again and it's exhausting.

Any advice? Insight? Anything?

Thank you!

 

[LuckiLee]

I don't have much advice but what I would do is give her the same answer every time.... @LanaD, when are you moving home? I'm not, I don't feel safe there. I have a career and life here now. (or whatever). Same answer EVERY time. Just keep repeating it. Maybe she'll get tired of asking, maybe you'll feel better not having to bicker with her anymore. Good luck.

 

[Sideways]

Is your mum of a pre-technology generation? If so, it may well be that she’s just plain old awkward communicating via that medium.

Thing is - she wouldn’t be continually asking you to come visit, or ‘move home’if she didn’t care about you a whole lot. If she was indifferent to how long it will be till you next see her? It wouldn’t be a constant question. So, that’s something significant. She genuinely wants you present in her life.

People loving us a whole lot and wanting us in their life? Doesn’t mean they’re any good at communicating in an empathetic way. Add the technology factor in? And it kind of makes sense that you’re really not feeling the love on your end.

It may be the most natural thing in the world for you to communicate via technology, and you may be a complete superstar when it comes to empathetic and supportive replies when people are vulnerable with you. The fact that your mum doesn’t seem to be up to the task on either of those skills? Doesn’t mean she doesn’t want the very best for you, and she clearly wants to stay relevant in your life.

Occasionally my mum is great with the supportive comments when I see her in person and I’m, like, fresh out of a coma. But most times? Wow can she miss the mark entirely. She’s the kind of “Are you really going to wear those pants?” kinda mum. She loves me, I get that. But I also get that there’s a limit to her interpersonal skills. It’s not a reflection of how she feels about me, it’s just the way she is.

There’s a degree of radical acceptance that I had to go through with that. My mum can’t be the support that i ideally want her to be. But, she loves me. Despite her lack of interpersonal skills? I have a mum that loves me. That’s a big deal. Once I grieved for the support I wanted for her and came to accept “this is the package that is my mum”, it stopped hurting so much. And it started being more important that we stay in touch - even if it’s often awkward. She does the best with the skills she’s got, ya know?

 

[nomorefear]

LanaD, I totally understand your frustration and just wanting to be heard. I have experienced the same thing. My Mom's Dad took his own life when she was 9, so in her mind, nothing that ever happened to me compared with the trauma of her childhood. I went through the same things you are experiencing. About 15 years ago, I realized my resentment and anger towards her were not healthy. I read the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It was a huge help. I had to set boundaries with her and not allow her to manipulate me. I am happy to say that now I can at least visit her and spend time with her without letting her get to me. She hasn't really changed. But my responses have and I am able to protect myself from her unhealthy emotions.

 

[LanaD]

I don't have much advice but what I would do is give her the same answer every time.... @LanaD, when are you moving home? I'm not, I don't feel safe there. I have a career and life here now. (or whatever). Same answer EVERY time. Just keep repeating it. Maybe she'll get tired of asking, maybe you'll feel better not having to bicker with her anymore. Good luck.

Thank you! I'll try anything.

Is your mum of a pre-technology generation? If so, it may well be that she’s just plain old awkward communicating via that medium.

Thing is - she wouldn’t be continually asking you to come visit, or ‘move home’if she didn’t care about you a whole lot. If she was indifferent to how long it will be till you next see her? It wouldn’t be a constant question. So, that’s something significant. She genuinely wants you present in her life.

People loving us a whole lot and wanting us in their life? Doesn’t mean they’re any good at communicating in an empathetic way. Add the technology factor in? And it kind of makes sense that you’re really not feeling the love on your end.

It may be the most natural thing in the world for you to communicate via technology, and you may be a complete superstar when it comes to empathetic and supportive replies when people are vulnerable with you. The fact that your mum doesn’t seem to be up to the task on either of those skills? Doesn’t mean she doesn’t want the very best for you, and she clearly wants to stay relevant in your life.

Occasionally my mum is great with the supportive comments when I see her in person and I’m, like, fresh out of a coma. But most times? Wow can she miss the mark entirely. She’s the kind of “Are you really going to wear those pants?” kinda mum. She loves me, I get that. But I also get that there’s a limit to her interpersonal skills. It’s not a reflection of how she feels about me, it’s just the way she is.

There’s a degree of radical acceptance that I had to go through with that. My mum can’t be the support that i ideally want her to be. But, she loves me. Despite her lack of interpersonal skills? I have a mum that loves me. That’s a big deal. Once I grieved for the support I wanted for her and came to accept “this is the package that is my mum”, it stopped hurting so much. And it started being more important that we stay in touch - even if it’s often awkward. She does the best with the skills she’s got, ya know?

I think you mean well but you don't know the first thing about my mother. For starters, she gave my college savings to her alcoholic boyfriend.

LanaD, I totally understand your frustration and just wanting to be heard. I have experienced the same thing. My Mom's Dad took his own life when she was 9, so in her mind, nothing that ever happened to me compared with the trauma of her childhood. I went through the same things you are experiencing. About 15 years ago, I realized my resentment and anger towards her were not healthy. I read the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It was a huge help. I had to set boundaries with her and not allow her to manipulate me. I am happy to say that now I can at least visit her and spend time with her without letting her get to me. She hasn't really changed. But my responses have and I am able to protect myself from her unhealthy emotions.

Thank you for sharing this, and I'm going to look up that book. For a long time I tried to get her to change but fortunately I realized I best change my expectations and reactions, although the actual change has been tough. What you say makes total sense to me: "protect myself from her unhealthy emotions". Thank you!

 

[grit]

I am very biased all things motherhood but I feel your pain and I hope you find relief. When the person who should love us the most is our freenemy! life is hard but there is a way out and you will find it someday.
I just want to add, it is OK to acknowledge you are feeling un-safe with your mother. I will only say this if you do not feel safe, just note it. It saves a lot of energy than fighting against the reality and pretending we are safe when we are not.

That is my two cents.

 

[Sideways]

I think you mean well but you don't know the first thing about my mother.

You’re right. I did mean well. Obviously there is a lot more going on between you and your mum than what you’ve posted about.

 

[LanaD]

It saves a lot of energy than fighting against the reality and pretending we are safe when we are not.

Yes, indeed! In analyzing the situation I realize more and more that most of my life I've been subconsciously thinking that "maybe this time..." It's like being in an abusive relationship where you think that your partner couldn't possibly hit you yet again.

 

[Justmehere]

She is unlikely to change -and all you’ll do is drive yourself up the wall trying to get her to change.

But you can work on boundaries around this situation.

When she asks, “when are you moving back home?” You can tell her you have already answered and you are not going to answer this question again. Then stick to it.

Or you can explain, “I care a lot about you. When you.... I feel... and when you ask this question, I’m not going to answer and if you keep asking I’m going to end the conversation not respond to the message” ...or whatever it is you will do. You can up the boundary and tell her that you are taking space and won’t be able to communicate again for another week. You can even temporarily block her and etc.

Then do it. End the conversation, take the space.

My mother tends to ask some questions that drive me nuts too. I used to try to answer and make her stop asking. Never worked, drove me nuts. Now I focus on having boundaries around it that shut down the interaction if she goes there. Sometimes she still does it but it’s a lot less, and even more so, I don’t keep letting it go on, and my relationship with myself and her is healthier.

 

[Sideways]

You can up the boundary and tell her that you are taking space and won’t be able to communicate again for another week.

I definitely agree that setting boundaries is going to be helpful in managing the situation. But trying to follow along, it sounds like the OP has already been clear about her boundaries on this particular issue. Whenever mum is told to stop, she doesn’t.

I’m wondering if the boundaries may be more helpful set further back. This relationship has deteriorated to the point where even seeing that she’s sent a text message has become a trigger. So by the time she’s asking “when are you coming back home”, the overwhelming emotions are already well in motion. Maybe the “ahen are you coming home” question isn’t so much the trigger, as the final straw?

If that’s the case, perhaps new limits on communication, period, might be more helpful? With some of my more difficult relationships, I have a boundary that I’ve set where contact is limited by time.

For example, I have a conversation with them, then that’s it for 2 weeks. Any contact I receive from them in the meantime? I leave. Ignore. For 2 weeks. Then we can catch up again. And that’s usually time limited. They might get half an hour, then the conversation is over. For 2 weeks.

It takes a bit of practice, but it helps me get less distressed about the contact they attempt in the meantime. I’ve decided I’m ignoring it, so when the message dings on my phone? I’ve become much more comfortable simply ignoring it. I’ll check it at the alotted time.

If we only set a boundary at the point where we’re absolutely overwhelmed? We’re going to continue getting distressed. So perhaps consider a bigger boundary. One that gives you more space from any communication. Because it sounds a lot like any contact at this point is your trigger point, in which case? It’s okay to protect yourself from that, rather than trying to reinforce boundaries that aren’t currently protecting you, or being respected. Just a thought.

 

[Justmehere]

But trying to follow along, it sounds like the OP has already been clear about her boundaries on this particular issue. Whenever mum is told to stop, she doesn’t.

Telling someone to stop is essentially making a request. It’s not holding a boundary. Boundaries are what we control. They are not about changing or controlling others. Boundaries are about what we choose to let into our life and not. Ending the conversation when the person does not stop is holding a boundary.

 

[LanaD]

If that’s the case, perhaps new limits on communication, period, might be more helpful? With some of my more difficult relationships, I have a boundary that I’ve set where contact is limited by time.

For example, I have a conversation with them, then that’s it for 2 weeks. Any contact I receive from them in the meantime? I leave. Ignore. For 2 weeks. Then we can catch up again. And that’s usually time limited. They might get half an hour, then the conversation is over. For 2 weeks.

It takes a bit of practice, but it helps me get less distressed about the contact they attempt in the meantime. I’ve decided I’m ignoring it, so when the message dings on my phone? I’ve become much more comfortable simply ignoring it. I’ll check it at the alotted time.

Thank you!!!

This does seem like a good strategy. One great thing that happened was that I forgot and couldn't reset my FB password, so that minimized the BS a lot, so now I get messages on my phone only, but in a way it's worse because it's instant. And I know how the conversation is going to turn out EVERY TIME. Every time. There! Just muted the conversations for a week starting right now! I can't take it anymore. I REALLY want to move on with my life! Thinking about it it seems this sh*t's been affecting my love life as well and I so would like to meet a nice guy one of these days :)