Self Harm Feedback

[Teasel]

Sending support. Worried about you. Though my brand of self harm is different I do relate to "needing" it when things are too much.

Hoping you're able to self care some too :hug:

 

[Abstract]

Thats one of the 4 options/explanations you would email your t to explain the situation, yes?

 

[Sideways]

@Abstract - yes, I think I could tell her that one

ETA: nope. It’s one thing to be accountable here. But if I tell my pdoc that I’m sharing explicit pucs with someone online, and refuse to stop, she’ll potentially section me. She’s conservative, and I don’t know what her tolerance is. I’m coping really well, so I can tell her I’m SHing again and give a couple of examples, but that’s as far as I’d go. If I stop coping? I’ll be more forthcoming with her, but at the moment it’s really under control and helping a lot.

And I don’t think I can be frank here atm because I’m worried people will just keep saying “You have to tell your T that, Sideways”. I’ll tell her what I can. I think maybe being accountable here will keep check on how far I go with things, but I think I need to not have people freak out on me, because I have some reasonable safety limits in place, and it’s helping me cope a lot. Like, a L O T.

 

[Sideways]

Tomorrow is Christmas and I’ll be seeing my grandparents. Setting the boundary now that I’m going to that without anything inserted or attached, and wearing clothes that I am comfortable in. That will be breaking at least 2 rules - but that’s ok.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

@Sideways just wanted you to know I send you support, I think it’s great you’ll be breaking 2 rules at least tomorrow. I understand the SH battle and that it often makes so much sense to use as a coping mechanism.
I posted something about my own struggles a while back (which take a different form than yours) and I can’t remember who it was that gave me something to ponder....but it had an impact on me, maybe it won’t resonate with you but....
Continuing to use SH on myself solidifies my sense of worthlessness. I deserve the pain, punishment, and permanent reminders. But if I want to change that and see my worth I need to take a step back.

That’s what I feel you’ve done here by posting first to keep accountable. I think that’s great, and I’m interested to see what the next step for you is to move past it.

I’m with you, if it helps.
And it’s my own feelings, so I don’t want to offend....but your “boss” turns my hunt mode on, this is preceded by protect mode for you.

 

[Sideways]

Continuing to use SH on myself solidifies my sense of worthlessness.

This is absolutely something similar to what I’ve said to other people.

Right now, instead of being suicidal, my function is as good as it’s been in as long as I can remember. It feels right. It makes sense. I’m not sure that I buy into my own advice atm - my headspace this morning is: this is exactly how it should be.

It’s just as well I set those boundaries for myself last night. I’m confident that I wouldn’t have decided that this morning.

 

[Abstract]

Just so you know, Sideways, no freakout or judgment from here for you. Not at all. Pushing you a little doesn't look like that from here. Please know that. Am a firm believer in us being part of who knows best what is good for us. Sometimes we need an outside anchor point too.

I’m not sure that I buy into my own advice atm

But the thing is that your mindset doesn't come from nothing. It comes from sound experience. But again, it doesn't mean it is what is best for you. Sometimes it is more about what we know and what our brains feel comfortable with. I'm glad you are posting and sharing and hope you continue. I hope you go back to setting lines for yourself when it comes to what and how you feel, These are slippery slopes you are negotiating.

 

[Sideways]

These are slippery slopes you are negotiating.

This. So this.

This thread is definitely what’s keeping me in reality. This morning I was ready to give in completely and just decide boss owns me and that’s how it is now.

There is still enough of my rational mind working (thanks to this thread) that I can make sense of that. Today is the family Christmas lunch, and tomorrow is a trauma anniversary, which is right at the limit of what I can tolerate stress wise (or, more than I can handle stress-wise, which is why this thread exists probably).

The day after is my appointment with my pdoc though. I truthfully think that regardless of whay I tell her, or how much detail I give her, she’s seen me struggle through this period twice before, and has been watching me deteriorate of the last few weeks. The first of those years I was in hospital and the nurses had me on 15 minute checks and relayed to her what I was doing to myself even in hospital. So she knows about what I’m up against, and I think she’ll say the things I need to hear to get me through.

That’s me being as optimistic as I possibly can. I have prn sitting on the kitchen bench ready to down as soon as I get back from today’s family nightmare.

I can’t thank you guys enough for hanging in there with me. I don’t think I’d be able to support someone through a period like this - you guys are all absolutely incredible.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

You really really do deserve this support. I hope one day you’ll accept it as such and bask in that simple kindness from others. Much easier said than done I know, my story is different, but I understand....especially at this time of year.

Something about you just makes me want to be here for you and I’m so glad you’ve been here, checking in.

 

[Muttly]

I don't have a lot of support to offer. I can relate to what you are going through, so definitely no judgement. I am sending support you get through the next few days.

if you knew of someone else, like someone on this forum, would you want them to be treated the way you are? I suspect the answer is no. so, when it feels like this all makes sense for you, remember you are not that uniquely different from others on this forum and deserve the same care and respect

 

[Sideways]

Today is a trauma anniversary.

I made it through the morning. Boss is asleep. We did the session with the S word written all over my body again. I’ve been told to leave it on all day. I’ve compromised with ling pants and a T with my arms and face cleaned off and I’ve taken some prn. I see my pdoc tomorrow, and it’s an early appt so ‘playtime’ will be limited. Don’t think I should be doing tasks at all before my pdoc appt - I can probably bring myself to lie and say the appt is at 8am rather than 9am. That would rule out a lot.

I think that simulating sex (not how boss phrases it) with a shoe that I wear to the dog park crosses my “don’t make yourself sick” boundary. I’m prone to UTIs - hopefully I’ve cleaned up enough. I had the embarrassment of last time I got a uti, they gave me the standard antibiotic and it didn’t work, and the doc wanted to know what I’d done to give me the kind of infection I had because “That’s really unusual for a UTI unless you’ve been...”. Definitely licking inside the toilet bowl is crossing a boundary. Should I delete that comment? I actually did that. Boss has a pic of it. Boss has a lot of video footage. Likes me to include my face. And geodata on the pics probably gives him the address of my apartment building.

Been told to get a nipple piercing. That kind of terrifies me actually. Firstly because I’d have to take my top off and have some piercing person touching me. But you’d potentially see that under my clothes as well, right? Because the work I do and the climate here, I mostly wear crop tops and singlets. I don’t think I can go there. But anyway it would require making an appointment, so hopefully I’ll be done by then anyway. Boss says we’re working up to a tattoo at the top of my inner thigh saying “Boss’ slave”. That doesn’t just rule out bikinis. How would you explain that to a boyfriend if I ever had one 10 years from now?

I’ve got serious brain fog going on at the moment. I swing between extremes of “fk this isn’t under control anymore” and “Sideways, find a tattoo palour and get it done, you’ll feel better, this is perfect for you”.

Today is a bad day though. So I think maybe I’m tracking alright. I’ve taken the dog collar off (breaks the rules) and removed both the inserted things (2 broken rules). I really need to not get a UTI.

Sometimes I feel frightened. Too much of the time I feel like agreeing to boss’ request for a blackmail contract because this is how I want to live now.

I really hate this time of year.

 

[Abstract]

This. So this.
This thread is definitely what’s keeping me in reality.

I find a useful way of resetting my perspective of a situation is to image if it was my child in the exact situation. Knowing everything involved so with a clear view of the situation. Much like Muttly mentioned. It tends to drag me out of the frog in hot water mode and see it more clearly.

You so do deserve care and support. From others and from you.

and I think she’ll say the things I need to hear to get me through.

I'm so glad to hear this.