Reality Checks Needed - tenant situation

[DharmaGirl]

You did sell her a trailer as is. That means as is. At that point it was legally up to her to estimate the damage, and decide to buy or not. It is sad that her daughter is having heart surgery. Is she? Have you met her? This woman also used your property without your permission to fix up AND store her trailer. She should have been paying storage fees. If she is broke, she and her daughter are probably on medicaid, which means she won't have to pay anything for the surgery. Believe me, the hospital won't do scheduled surgery unless you have a way to pay.

You've done a lot for her. Using your washer and dryer, your electricity, your shower, your space, and asking for rides places. She sounds like she's milking you for everything she can. I totally agree with Scout. You had a verbal agreement on the rent, you can get the paperwork online to start an eviction. I know in my state I had to serve my tenant a 3 day or vacate paper, then I could start proceedings. He elected to leave,

 

[DharmaGirl]

I wrote this yesterday before all the replies. I pushed the post button, reloaded and saw it all.

 

[Muttly]

I've been trying to figure out my finances/bankruptcy situation. Even with the bankruptcy plan I don't make enough. I know I can't carry her. I know I'm probably an idiot and too nice but my current thought is to give her a month to move out. I know it won't be easy to find a place to store the trailer and I know her life is hard. I mean, in theory that's my plan but then I worry she's going to say she can pay rent and I'll cave and let her stay longer.

@DharmaGirl She did have my permission to use my property to fix up her trailer.

There is a defensive part in me that wants to respond to all the "unlivable" comments. Yes, without water the trailer is unlivable. I did say it had a water leak. Granted, she says it's more than just one leak but beyond that, the trailer should be livable. And I find it hard to believe it would take 3 months to fix the water issues. And yeah, I understand that she isn't mechanical and she's been relying on friends to fix it but... c'mon.

Stop beating yourself up. Now. Seriously.

Bu... but... I am so good at it.

If she abandon's the trailer on your property.. contact the local municipality about abandoned vehicles. I assume you have a receipt saying she has now acquired it?

Yes, I have a receipt. I also had researched abandoned trailer's before she bought it so I know what to do if it comes to that.

And all this talk and I still haven't contacted her... heh, she just pulled into the trailer. I can't deal with this. I'm too much of a wuss. I haven't changed. I'm still a walking doormat

 

[DharmaGirl]

No, you're asking for help so you are considering acting. That's new and different. You don't have to do anything. For years I had these hanger ons who milked me for all they could get, including a husband. You are trying to be kind and helpful, that's a good quality. I stopped doing it because I made a pact with my son that we wouldn't have anyone move in again. It worked. Don't beat yourself up about this. You are acting out of kindness, there is nothing better. Worse case scenario, she stays, maybe the best case is leaving her a note, with a line about copying it to yourself. You are a kind and caring person, and believe me, I have been there. These kinds of people make a living off others, they are good at what they do.

I stopped to give a group of young adults a jump, and one of them told me she liked living like she does, and told her parents she didn't need a job, she could live like she does. She then back tracked and said she was looking for work. Interestingly enough, she lost her phone and asked me to call it for her. I did, and later that evening, after I had gone home, I got a call from her asking me for a ride. I told her I was miles away, I was, and could not do it. I amazed myself. Then I blocked her number. There are people who get by on the kindness of strangers. I have worked for several years on boundaries, and I am getting better at it. I have tried to rescue so many people in my life, and it never worked. Oh, sorry about the tangent.

My point is, you did a kindness and now it is being used to manipulate you. Not your fault! You are the good person, the other person is taking advantage of your kindness which is not your fault! You are the good person, she is the leach.

 

[blackemerald1]

I know I'm probably an idiot and too nice but my current thought is to give her a month to move out. I know it won't be easy to find a place to store the trailer and I know her life is hard. I mean, in theory that's my plan but then I worry she's going to say she can pay rent and I'll cave and let her stay longer.

Nooo! You are not an idiot please don't turn this all back on yourself. Just deal with the facts. You have done nothing WRONG!!

One week would be way too much notice to move out, but do one week if it appeases your conscience. And do it in writing!

It's simply not your responsibility to worry about where she move's the trailer.

When she bought it she knew it was a trailer and by virtue of it being on your property it would have to be moved! She has had a big step up from you by allowing her to fix it in place and run electricity to it!

If she's too broke - her friends can come and help tow it away. She's got friends who help her out it seems.

I've had at least two go's at helping people out and unfortunately it didn't work out. So you are not alone!

You really are in a pickle with your finances and in no place to be offering this kind of assistance to this woman. Time for her to move on and for you to have peace of mind to deal with your finances. :hug:

 

[Muttly]

Ok, I don't fully understand why this situation is so triggering to me but it is. And I've had a think on whether it's triggering or a stresser and I think it's triggering. Something about helpless females (no offense) who seem to have victim mentality... and indirect communication. So, ok, maybe she is manipulating? I don't know.

Anyway, I sent her a text asking what's going on. I know that's not much but it's a change from avoiding the situation.

I see my therapist (first time in a month) on Wednesday and will talk about this. I emailed her what I've said in this thread.

 

[Changing4Best]

That is a start, good on you!

 

[Sideways]

maybe she is manipulating? I don't know.

The outcome of her behaviours is manipulative. Doesn’t mean she’s sitting there plotting against you, thinking “How much can I get out of this?”

I’m not big on demonising people that are clearly struggling, especially without hearing their story. It’s noble of you that you wanted to help. And while the practical, rational response might be to give her an eviction notice and toss her out? Having a vulnerable person living on my front lawn, I’d have a hard time taking that course of action as well.

She isn’t entitled to a handout from you. And when you look at it from that perspective, it becomes incredibly personal really quickly. “I didn’t get a friggin handout when I needed one” (insert injustice issues and anger here). But at the same time, “If she’s genuinely struggling, I know what that’s like, how can I not be compassionate...?”

It’s easy to dish out advice from the safety of my clear-headed-couch. But this issue is on your doorstep. Literally. And absolutely there’s elements to this that could easily trigger a whole range of trauma-related issues.

So taking the problem to your T? Is a fantastic idea. Get help sorting this situation out from a person that knows your ins and outs, your strengths and your triggers, and can offer practical support to resolve the situation in a way that takes account of where your head is at, and the personal issues that you bring to the table.

There was no point where you did the wrong thing. Sometimes life throws complicated situations at us that we can only deal with rationally with the benefit of hindsight. So however you and your T decide to proceed? Know that you’re doing the best you can with what you got.

 

[Pale Mpress Kitty]

But she's not your job or your responsibility.

So much this. You have done everything in your power so far to make this situation a good one for her, but at the detriment to your own health. It may be worth taking some time to write down the things that you like to have happen and make a plan on how to get those things to happen. If that means she needs to remove herself and her trailer off your property then that is something SHE needs to consider the how of, not you.

You can't be expected to take care of someone or something without first taking care of yourself. You have to be the priority here, and it sounds like she's been wearing you down.

All of this could be intentional or unintentional on her behalf. That isn't even something worth considering. What is worth considering is how it has affected you and how you are going to put yourself as priority number one.

I'm glad you're talking about it though. The fact that you are talking about it means that you, at some level, have learned that you are not actually a doormat. That you have feelings and your own wellbeing to consider. So kudos to you on this development! <3

 

[Muttly]

Update. She is still here. Yesterday my T and I drafted an eviction letter. My T and I talked a lot about it. She said something, that I wish I could remember. Something about me feeling responsible for others. Hmmm... My t and I also talked about "taking advantage". She said that tenant is taking advantage of me and I tried to argue that maybe she isn't. Maybe her situation is just bad. I think what T was saying is that even if it's not intentional, someone can still take advantage of another person? We also talked about manipulation which makes my brain hurt. I feel like that's a concept that my brain refuses to grasp.

I haven't given the eviction letter. Sigh. Right now her pipes are frozen in the trailer so I guess I feel like giving her an eviction letter would be cruel? I have set up some boundaries? With my permission, she has used my shower. Slowly, more and more of her stuff was moving into my bathroom. I brought her stuff to her.

I guess I feel like no matter what I do it's going to prove I'm a bad person.

 

[somerandomguy]

You tenant has put you in a no-win situation - evict her and be cruel, or let her stay and be taken advantage of, to the point that you eventually become roommates it seems.

You are not a cruel person, but evicting her will re-assert your boundaries, which is probably what you need for your mental health and life in general.

There's a good chance that she pegged you as a soft touch. It sounds very much like she is purposely taking advantage of you. It sucks, but you have to put a stop to it for your own sake.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Update. She is still here. Yesterday my T and I drafted an eviction letter. My T and I talked a lot about it. She said something, that I wish I could remember. Something about me feeling responsible for others. Hmmm... My t and I also talked about "taking advantage". She said that tenant is taking advantage of me and I tried to argue that maybe she isn't. Maybe her situation is just bad..

I read bits and pieces of the thread. Here is an interesting take on it: maybe she IS taking advantage of you because her situation IS bad. That doesn't make you horrible, not her. Maybe she is in a situation where she has no help from anywhere so she's taking anything she can get. At least it seems so to me(or maybe I like to have more faith in people).

However, even if that is so, that does not equal to you having to help and being horrible if you don't. Here is the perspective of someone(me) who needed a lot of help through the 1 year of having only small gigs and no full job. Although I was never in that dire situation I did need a lot of different help from a lot of different places. Often I was lucky to get what I needed and sometimes I wasn't. However asking for help is not an expectation of receiving it. I was grateful for the loans I got, and the other types of help, but I was not resentful for not getting help if I was refused. I simply moved on, felt bad, and then found other ways to survive. People can be inventive when they have no chance and she will find her way. She might be in huge need of help, you don't know that. However it is absolutely not your responsibility to help her.

Figure out what you need and let go. She will find her way. You've done what you felt you could for her, and I'm sure she's still grateful for it. She'll get through and telling her you can't do more doesn't make you a bad person. Sometimes changing you life(I mean her)
can take a long time and a lot of people and choices and help and actions. So no one can blame you if you can't be helping her until everything comes together. There are times in life when everything that can go wrong will, we all know that. And when it takes more than one person and one moment to get to a better place.

So yeah, this is my perspective, I don't mean this to defend her or you or anything. It's just my 2cents.